panic attacks and depression setting in (possible triggers)

panic attacks and depression setting in (possible triggers)
L

LupinIII

Registrant
Last night I had a dream about the house I lived in as a child with my mother. The house was filthy and I mean filthy. The floor in my room was a sea of her clothes....a friggin sea...it was disgusting. Our dining room table was covered with papers, food and assorted crap. It was never clean and I was forced to eat on a small section of wood floor in the living room. My mother would eat on the couch, but I was never allowed there. The bathroom was even more disgusting with a tub that was never cleaned. Most weeks I would wait until the weekend and visits with my father (who happens to be a pathological liar and gambling addict...lucky me) to take a bath.

My mother would also leave me alone at 8 when she would go on a date at night. I was scared to death. She would also send me on walks that would take half an hour, and not in the greatest parts of the bronx, to buy her donuts or magazines.

Besides the attention and the touching, she would also treat me like a spurned lover when she would get angry. She would verbally abuse me as well as tell me at ten about the abuse she endured, including insinuations that her father did incest to her.

Thinking of that house...of this new memory..has kind of thrown me into a depression...I am having trouble doing anything except playing computer games (i dont know why but killing skeletons and orcs always feels good)...after I play four two hours I feel even more depressed and the energy is gone...

I know you guys have told me it is going to be like this for a while, but the peaks aren't as high right now and the lows are going lower and getting scarier by the day...at the same time i need to find a new job NOW...the instability of pay..lack of benefits...and the pressure are moving us towards a really bad place...but with the job market the way it is and other things I am having trouble with this as well..and without health insurance finding a therapist/psychiatrist becomes difficult..you throw in that my panic attacks are coming back and this is one explosive cocktail...

man i just needed to share...i have a knot in my stomach...you guys seem so brave and i feel like a god damn little kid again who is afraid of the dark...i don't know if im going to be able to make it through this week without breaking down fellas...
 
LupinIII,

Hang in there. It does get better.

Added stress, such as your job situation, does unfortunately make it worse. I recently went through just a bout. When the added stress was removed, things quickly improved. This is a lot to go through at once, and this SA s**t isn't one that anybody should have to.

Keep posting, keep letting it out, and keep talking and you will make it through. There are a lot of nights that I am afraid of the dark, then I just keep the light on. Both literally and figuratively.

Take care,
Bill
 
LupinIII,

Bill's right; it will get better.

Can you try to break some of the pattern you're in by changing some things a little? Instead of killing orcs online, how about writing something for yourself in a journal for half an hour, then kill the orcs? Even if you end up writing about the game, it represents doing something a little different, and many of us find writing is helpful.

As for finding a T, I went to the online listings at RAINN and found free services at the local rape crisis center. If that doesn't work for your area, is there a someone else that you would be able to trust? You can call the SIA World Service Office, or check their website if you think that would help. I know the SIA meetings are very good for me.

Hang in there. You're on the right path, but some of it is bumpy and uphill. There will be better parts ahead.

Joe
 
I took today off to make calls and try and change the situation. I cannot continue on being pounded with the insanity at work while continuing to have memories and flashbacks.

Originally posted by Bill_1965:
LupinIII,

Hang in there. It does get better.

Added stress, such as your job situation, does unfortunately make it worse. I recently went through just a bout. When the added stress was removed, things quickly improved. This is a lot to go through at once, and this SA s**t isn't one that anybody should have to.


Take care,
Bill
Click to expand...
 
well today did not go as well as expected...I found out things I will not do...and other things that I cannot do..but I did not find a new job that I can do and my wife has not found a job that pays enough so I can take a few months off...

...my fear is that I will stop functioning and be unable to continue working at my sales job...

...up the creek without a paddle anyone?
 
Hang in there Lupin and come here a lot. The Bergen County NJ rape crisis center helped me find a group therapy that I could afford. I am still unable to take the stress of full time work in the same room with other men, so I work part time doing janitoral work alone. We moved into a small duplex that my wife can afford on her own if I have to be institutionalized again. I empathise with your memories of filth. My abuse took place in similar environs, although I didn't have to live there.

Edwin
 
LupinIII - sorry that I cannot do anything to directly help...all I can say is that I very recently went through a really bad patch and managed to get through it with a lot of support here. Please keep posting & we'll help where we can.

Changing jobs / careers doesn't happen over night but hang in there and something will come up.

Best wishes Rik
 
Lupin,

Very often I feel 'small'. It still all can be quite overwhelming, and there still are lows here for me also, that get very badly low. I am trying to not allow myself to become so down because I have a young friend who is also dealing with these kinds issues and I am trying to help him some. But still, I have the depression and the panic, and still sometime even have flashbacks and such, even now. This is not a race, it is not that there is some designed way it is supposed to be. Do not get down at yourself for not healing 'better' or 'faster'. Celebrate small victories, celebrate each day you make it through, sometime, each hour. Be gentle and patient with yourself. Good luck.

Leosha
 
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