Paint-By-Numbers (Triggers)

Hello Guys!

I know it seems like I'm posting a lot. I guess I am. But I just don't feel comfortable getting into the abuse issues in my PTSD group. There I don't mind talking about some of the flashbacks, some of the triggers, symptoms,etc. But talk about the sexual abuse? In any detail? No way! There are some events I can only share with male survivors. So that's why you see me here once a day, or several times a day...venting, hurting, connecting, talking....

When I was a child, I loved those paint-by-number kits. Anyone remember those? You know, where you fill in the blank spots with different colors and slowly a picture emerges? Well, that's how it is with my memories right now. I'm filling in the blanks, at least some of them.

The fondling I kind of remember. I was little and I couldn't do anything to stop it. I'm not sure it meant anything sexual to my brother. It was just a way to humiliate me, to show me how much power he had over me, over my little body...

When I was older, I remember my brother, me, and the kid next door sneaking out of the house. We got naked and smoked cigars in another neighbor's garage. It started out as fun, as harmless play...but someone wanted to do something to me that I didn't want. What exactly I don't remember. But I know the next morning I was very angry at the kid next door. I just kind of exploded in rage. And that was very much out of character for me. Plus he was bigger than me, older than me. Yet I started attacking him, seemingly for "no reason."

Then I remember my brother again...here's where I need extra paint or special paint...there are places that just seem to remain blank. Anyhow, I remember my brother in the bedroom, pulling back the covers, showing me his penis, the penis with the pubic hair I had never seen before, and I remember him pulling me in, under the covers...

Here's what I think happened...He got me under the covers and tried to get me to put my mouth on him. Then when that didn't work, he wanted me to hold him there, to play with him. And I was frightened, so very frightened of my older brother. But I fought him. I'm pretty sure I fought him.

I pulled away. I managed to pull away from him and get myself out of his bed. He was angry. Very angry. So I think he took his hand, put it over my crotch, and dug his finger nails into my flesh. I seem to have a memory of that. Can even feel it. And that's what I think happened.

That's all, I think. That's all the sexual abuse by him. Then later, much later, I would be molested by the married man. And then later the co-worker. And then later, the guy who tried to date rape me.

But that's all the sexual abuse that I remember from my older brother. Oh, he was so sick. So sick that he was always hurting me, threatening me. I'm not sure, he may have even pushed me down the stairs when I was ilttle. I had a really bad accident with my arm. And there were other things like that. Other "accidents" that don't quite add up when I think back on my chldhood.

Where were my parents? My parents were there a lot of the time. But most of the time they left me and my younger brother alone with him. They didn't know. They didn't have a clue. And we were too scared to tell on our brother. Plus he was a good liar, an excellent liar. He could invent stories to cover himself at the drop of a hat.

I don't know. I want to blame my parents. How could they not see the daily terror that was my childhood? But I can't work up any anger towards them. Later, when my older brother was a few months shy of high school graduation, that's when it became very obvious to everyone that something was terribly wrong. And even he couldn't keep up the pretence any longer. Soon he was a full-blown paranoid schizophrenic.

Well...that's it. That's enough for today, don't you think? I hope someone is there. I hope someone is reading this. I needed to say it.

Thanks for listening!

Jasper

 

[RockyMtJoe]

Greeting Jasper

When I was in a VA PTSD group like I was gonna say
"Sarge molested me"?

I forgot what I was going to copy from my writings but it was probably about the extreme insensitivity of abusers to basic human rights. Any seduction of a young man, teen or boy is
the sign of serious sociopath behavior, as the moral moron comes on fast and deceptively. I recall the evil in their eyes and in their language and gestures.

Sexual discovery is a train wreck for abused boys. The process is damaged and getting it back on track is not guaranteed.

Sexual discovery is hard enough on even those not abused.

When does playing around turn into abuse? Simple it is the age differences but sometimes a stronger boy will take advantage.

I had a beyond dysfunctional family.

I wonder why more here are not homophobic? I am certainly such with a wide range of gay men. I thought the Village People were squads, from hell, come to send guys like me into bondage.

Basically I know about teen boys the entire dirty little things as boys do growing up. I know that gay teens are still harassed and sometimes worse. I know that some of those teens who bothered me were just molesters in training. I suspect that there is overlap from what kids do with each other from spin-the-bottle to Ill show you mine , if you show me yours?

So here is where I have to get a bit specific as to sexual behaviors. Where does a serial molester learn his skills? I believe that many are bisexual as that Irish priest who was on the Today Show a few weeks ago. He while in America went after both girls and boys. The kind of married gay that pays a hustler in his car is seldom a molester as I read. Saw the post that he is often a married guy. A serial pervert could not last a week in any cruising spot as I experienced in the sixties, as he would be found out in days.

The six pack for older teens and such is the same as the attention and gifts from a predator that goes after younger teens.
Methodical and calculating on how boys react.

Everything that an older man did to me has basically remained a problem area or a trigger. Some items from the book of love never made it into my volume.

There was something hollow in their eyes and phony in the voice. Were gay men this way? I long ago forgot my fist abusers name as if he had one but recall it was daddy or some crap, it was as I have said a no physical pain situation. But I was too young and now too old to recall the details I wish I knew. Suspect I have a special place in my heart for the guys here who feel less as they were only fondled. For whatever reason, location, being discovered, or luck their abuser had to delay his sole intention of a sexual conquest. Being first taken at pre-puberty helps me identify with these guys.

Perhaps you brother was also tormenting little fairies like me?

Again, most of my teen contact was neither abusive or anything but a gay teen looking.

So, nothing new from me. Have to think about what value my varied journal stuff has. As you know it is just full of recollections of 1963-75 or so. Being gay in that era. I recall reading a few books about being gay as early as say 1973. I do not recall reading any warnings about sexual predators.

Like we would have read that chapter anyway?

There are archives of gay stories out there and most are written as to be erotic. Abuse themes are everywhere. I never located a good place for my writings. Then again, what kind of audience would I find for I was a teenage fairy. So as I hum Strangers In the Night..
Joe

PS

Knowing what we do about little boys playing it is no wonder I preferred to play dress up with the girls, sure they would ocassionally mess with me
but there was no threat or fear.

 

Dear Joe:

You are one helluva guy. Seriously, the more I learn about you, the more amazed I am. How can anyone squeeze so much living into one lifetime? Because I always learn something from you, because I have so much to learn, I want to take time to read your post over carefully. When I first looked it over earlier, just before I was heading out the door, it triggered something in me. I'm not sure what. I'm not sure why. But it was bad. To be honest, it's still bad. (Does this trigger sh*t ever get better over time?)

Anyhow, because I was triggered something fierce, I have a feeling that you said something very important that I need to let register. So I am going to try to calm down tonight, read your post again tomorrow, and then reply. Okay?

Joe, I thank you. Whatever you said that triggered me, I needed to hear it.

Thanks, man!

Jasper

 

Hi Rocky Mt. Joe:

Sorry I freaked out yesterday. But you mentioned something about abusive people like my brother being sociopaths and that is highly charged for me. In fact, Andy and I were debating that point just the other day. Did my brother have no empathy for other people because he was paranoid schizoprenic? Or was he a sociopath without a conscience?

What difference does it make? Well, to the child in me, the kid who was hurt and humiliated and threatened by him--it makes no difference at all. That part of me hasn't made peace with him. Can't make peace with him now. And maybe never will make peace with him.

But as an adult, I spent a lot of time reading about mental illness, especially schizophrenia. I also went to meetings of the National Alliance for the Mentally Ill. And what I learned is that there are a lot of myths about schizophrenia. Most experts in the field no longer believe that schizophrenia is caused by a dysfunctional family. The latest research suggests that it may actually be linked to some type of childhood virus. And that a number of factors trigger it.

Why is this a big deal to me? Well, I had to reasssure myself that I wasn't going to get the same disease. And as an adult, I had to come to terms with my brother on some level. After all, in later years he was a very sad, very tragic figure. So the adult in me came to a kind of "truce of understanding" with him. But the inner child...well, I am here, aren't I? Oh, yes, I am here! And I am here because of that freaking nut job! (Forgive me but that's little Jasper talking right now. And little Jasper doesn't care to be politically correct on the subject of the sh*thead!)

What makes it all so painful for me is that I have two images of my brother. The sad brother who in the last years of his life looked like somone who had been in and out of institutions for years. (Which he had). And I have an image of the brother who made my life hell as a child. That kid...on the surface!....was everything I wanted to be and more. He was a cute kid who became a gorgeus young man. I mean, he just got better looking as he hit his teens. So when the illness struck big time, he could get money, rides, anything he wanted out of perfect strangers. It always amazed me how quickly he could run away and have everyone wanting to take care of him. But like I said, he was really hot looking in those days.

But remember, Ted Bundy was hot looking. Jeffrey Dahmer was gorgeous. Oh, sh*t! I am freaking out again. I can't continue on this topic right now. I got to get off the computer---and fast! I feel a panic attack coming on. Let me just say that I looked up to him, wanted to be like him, and maybe even was a little bit attracted to him. A lot of men and women were. Kids in my school thought he was "cool." But I didn't want to sleep with him. He was my brother, after all...

Does tihs make any sense? I hope so.

Sh*t. I gotta go. I hate PTSD!

Jasper

 

Sorry, Guys! I get too damn wordy sometimes. All you need to know about my crazy brother is this:

He could have screwed me or pushed me off the roof and it wouldn't have mattered. After he finished he would have sat down, had a ham sandwich and a good laugh.

So you can call it any kind of crazy you want, that was my brother. And with the help of God, I lived through my childhood to tell the tale here and now.

Take Care,

Jasper

 

[RockyMtJoe]

Hi!

Seems to look as if the sun came up today!

I would have posted but was sleep deprived last evening and night; no not PTSD or such some livestock got loose.

Who knows about such as you post sometimes
makes me glad I had really no family, dysfunctional but not as most: father absent
as in not at home most all years, mother worked,
raised by the maids.

As i noted in the PM, you will be up at nights if
you raise chickens and there are cats or foxes within twenty miles

Use a good chainlink fence and do concrete the
fence base! The farm next to mine is a free range chicken ranch and attracts coyotes, thus my having a Hungarian Kuvasz one of the few dogs that can eat a coyote, even scare a mountain lion or
bear (yes, no bs we them all here) I suspect you would be a up-all-night type if you lived here
then again the rattlers are a hassle all summer, and in the winter the Yeti comes down
at night....

PM if you have any chicken questions

 

[cat4527]

Jasper,
I remember the paint by numbers. That was one of my escapes cuz I could do that anywhere. I used to sit in the middle of Battle Abbey doing them. My other "great" escape was reading science fiction. I also would leave this world and find another.
rik