Painful Cycle

[serafina]

My boyfriend, a SA survivor, with whom I have been separated from for almost a year, but have continued to talk to on a very regular basis had stopped calling me about six weeks ago. I wasn't sure why he had quit calling and was feeling very upset about it. He called me a few days ago and said he promised himself that he would quit calling me until he got his life in order and was more stable and he was taking lots of steps to do that. He hadn't had steady work, no phone, moving from apartment to apartment, getting into fights, being arrested, trying to quit drinking and so on. He said he loved me very much and wanted us to be together forever, but knew he needed to get control of his life, so he could be there for me and our family someday. He also said he knew I couldn't put my life on hold for him and if I met someone else when he came back for me that it would be his own fault. I was so happy to have heard from him, as I still love him very much and actually felt so much better hearing from him and knowing he was o.k.

Then...tonight he calls. He is upset and tells me that he was arrested last night and had spent the night in jail. He had gotten into a fight with some people he knew were bad news to begin with, but he had gotten involved with them anyway. The judge let him go because it was in self-defense.

First, I don't know why he would call to tell me this, after he called two days ago to tell me he wasn't calling until he got his life in order. Second, he immediately gets upset with me, when I get upset because he says I am judging him. He then proceeded to hang up on me. So we are back where we always seem to be. Nothing ever changes. He tries and wants to change, but it never does. I love him so much, but how do you deal with the never ending cycle of destruction? He has lied to me about details of these fights and arrests so many times too, that I don't even know what is the truth anymore. I had previously posted the problem with moving on and I love him so much that he calls and says he is working on getting better, which often times he does, but these really bad judgements just keep happening in all areas of his life. Any insight would be greatly appreciated!!!

 

[jessica]

oh what can be said? just get support, because you love him not speaking can be as bad as dealing with it up close and personal. just try to remember at all times who you are dealing with a lot of patience has to happen. but try not to get caught up and forget youself i say that because i am guilty of getting lost in the moment fussing, crying you name it. when you feel yourself begining to go to a place that is bad for you grab hold. i see we have to be stable to support them.

 

[reesersgrl]

It's very hard to remain stable when you're dealing with an unstable person on a constant basis. My boyfriends rapid cycling is so hard to handle. Our days are either very very high or very very low. Almost never an in between. It's especially disappointing after feeling so close to him. I keep fooling myself into thinking things are gonna be great from here on out. Then-BAM!! right back to where we started. It comes out of nowhere. I think you are doing the right thing by staying away until he feels confident that he's on the right track. Stress and anger and disappointment time after time begins to change who YOU are. Let him know that you're there for him when he needs to talk, but put your emotional health first.