Pain, pain, pain.

Pain, pain, pain.
M

MrEdd

Registrant
Monday I was gritting my teeth during a flashback and I shattered a tooth. (I hadn't been to a detist since 1995 after my last bout of being a prostitute - trying to make myself ugly).Now it is infected. I am on meds and my cheek is the sise of a walnut. I am increasingly being forced to admit that until I am more healed I am probably only marginally employable. I have always worked, although I went boke last year and i just hurt real bad inside and i feel like throwing up and crying helps a bit but damnit I was a Sargeant of Marines. this can't be happening to me make it all just go away.
 
Edd,

I guess right now I'm what you'd call marginally employable. I'm on medical disability leave from my job, tho I have for a while been working very part-time and very flexibly. Hopefully I'll be able to get better & work full-time again but who knows? I've got Complex PTSD, severe depression, fibromyalgia, OCD (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder),
and high blood pressure to deal with, among other things--courtesy in large part to my CSA. What I do know is I have a few supportive people around me including here and some tools to help me work thru all this crap, be a survivor & a thriver.

Do I wish this crap would just go away? Oh yeah! But it didn't just come so it won't just go away.
It took time, and recovery & health will take time, a process.

The process is working, there is hope & vitality, bit by bit, one day at a time.

Yes it still hurts, physically, emotionally, spiritually, it hurts. It's hard not to give in to despair. But I've done that and it doesn't help a whole lot.

Bro, I don't necessarily feel your pain, but I do feel some of your kind of pain, I do empathize with you & hurt for you & with you.

So go ahead & weep my friend. I do. Like laughter,
crying can be good medicene sometimes too.

Hoping you heal up & feel better soon, and more & more every day.

TC & TTYL

Victor
 
MrEdd,

Facing up to my own dental issues and some other body health issues is one of my deepest fears. I'm still not doing what I could and should. For me it taps into my extremely poor self image, hating my body, etc. I don't know what the answer is. Physical pain is one way to do something like see a dentist or doctor, and it may be the route I end up taking.

Hang in there man.

jer
 
Mr. Edd; Boy can I relate. Self image!!! What a short sentence butg it packs a huge wallop. When I was assaulted in Military college and later hustled on the streets I was a great specimen of male muscle. And boy was that want they wanted hard and young. All my life since the abuse I have suffered from binge eating and puking going to 350lbs and down to 135. My Psy and I finally got to the bottom of it. I was terrrified of being in shape ever. What this is leading up to is Jan 1 I joined a good health club. Terror again. The thought of showering naked with other gys I did not know freaked me. Funny thing tho when i play ice hockey I have never had a problem sharing the showerroom with teammates. The first day was incredibly tense for me. I was dreading the shower but I had no choice I was dripping in sweat. I took the bull by the horns and went in naked to shower and a funny thing happened. NOTTTHING AT ALL. I confronteed my fears and ther was no need to be afraid. So in 2 months I have lost exactly 2 pounds to 172 and my waist has dropped 3 inches and my chest increased 2 1/2 inches and my strength has improved and after working out I feel really clean inside. All the toxins have been flushed out and I think that some of the shit inside goes with it a bit at a time. If you have the same fears I did go with a buddy or companion. It will do remarkable things for your self image. Now dont get me wrong this has helped me a bit but I need all the other stuff as well. Just a suggestion for some that may want to try it. I had discussed with earlier with Shree (my PSY) and I told him that i got into a lot of trouble mountainbiking last summer because of weakness in my upper body. We worked on it a while and I finally did it.
I hope everyone here has a really great day. Treat yourself. the SUN did come up(at least here) :p
 
Poor self-image. Wow, nobody here seems to have that problem
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!

Actually, I seem to have a slight problem with poor self-image myself :rolleyes: .

Jer, tell me about it bro. I've got an overdue trip to the dentist, and the fateful long-delayed prostate exam, coming up
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!

Mike, starting into a fitness center is a toughie.
WTG! I started this one over 2 years ago and am still a bit uncomfortable at times, but it's gotten a lot better.

Glad to hear you're getting your physical & spiritual systems flushed out.
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Keep flushing that shit, brother!

BTW wise guy we're having off & on thunderstorms here! With some rather fierce lightning last night!
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But "the sun will come out--tomorrow!"
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Just be glad you can't hear me sing!
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Victor
 
Edd'
don't we all wish we could make it go away ?
We fight the pain and it it's still there, but it DOES get less as we learn to fight better.

Just like your bad tooth, some work by a skilled professional will ease the pain and make you look and feel good.

Dave
 
You know Victor the thought of joinning the fitness club was far worse than the first day. But I paid my money up front and I hate to waste money. I find that there is a great camaraderie in the place that I have never found elsewhere, not even with teammates on a hockey tean. They all seem to be there for the same reason. Getting fit.
I have made an appointment with the Owner (28 clubs) and I a going to suggest tht he support the Gatehouse and maybe talk at a session out there. Check it out www.thegatehouse.on.ca
 
Mike,

That is a great idea and the Gate House sounds like an outstanding service for SA survivors. What an opportunity to help a lot of survivors. So many of us have a hard time taking care of our bodies, which affects our spirits, and can mess everything up. Don't I know it.

Maybe the owner will let you or someone from Gate House talk at his clubs about the particular needs & concerns of SA survivors, maybe leave some literature or something.

Just a thot.

Hey WTG Mike!

Victor
 
Edwin, please friend, do not let those phoney ideas have a space in your mind. In AA we would talk about stinking thinkin trying to live rent free in our minds.

You are a strong, courageous and determined man. You are a survivor. You have led men. You have defending our Nation and served us at the possibloe danger to your life. No matter what you say about wanting to die, you wanted to live as a man of the Corps. Few of those who try make the Marines.

Kick those crappy ideas out of your mind. If they are going to be there make them pay a rent that is so stiff they will run from you screaming in fear for their lives.

A grateful and proud brother of yours,

Bob
 
Why does healing and moving on ask for so much pain. Have we not endured enough. Does the attacks on our self worth, self esteem and sexual identity have to be so awful. Why is it that we, of all who suffer, seem to cope in the most self destructive ways. Is that what we want or are programmed for. I truly do not know. But I know that it hurts unbelievably for all of us.
 
Why is it that we, of all who suffer, seem to cope in the most self destructive ways.
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Mikey,

That wasn't coping; that was denying, avoiding, fleeing. The actual coping is painful in its own way, because it's in really facing the pain that we begin to cope.

It gets better. Keep us posted on how things go tomorrow. We're with you in spirit, Mikey, from all over the world. You're in our thoughts and prayers.

Thanks,

Joe
 
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