Pain in stomach from Shame

Pain in stomach from Shame
J

JRO

Registrant
I just spent some time reading a long posting about lonliness - - Boy can I relate.

The pain associated with my lonliness is almost indescribable - my stomach aches - my heart pounds, I get shaky...my thoughts race which eventually leads to not being able to get out of bed. I feel emotionally numb.

This is basically what it has come down to after over a year of some pretty serious depression. A world of isolation and lonliness amidst a backdrop of so called accomplishments. I have a new therapist that I have been working with for about 6 months and it seems to be going well, although I have weeks, like this one, where I question whether or not I'm making any progress at all or if I am just waisting money. I have also been unemployed which complicates things.

Sometimes I don't think the pain will ever go away. There are times I just want to run away and hide from it all. I have even had thoughts that my life would be so much much easier if I just had a cabin in the woods by myself. Can anyone relate? This thought is usually followed by facing the hard truth that there really is no escape from yourself no matter how much you may wish it.

So here I am in the midst of self discovery. Trying to come to terms with my past while working towards being able to fully live in the moment. Somewhere in there I have managed to save up some hope for the future (I think). My shame is thick. It eats away at my very existance. I'm not sure if I will ever get out of the shame, but I'm holding on the the hope that someday I will be free from all of this.

I'm holding on to the faith.

Jason
 
Jason,

I feel for you, and myself. I think of all the things I never did as I shunned others for fear my secrets would come out. The shame was the worst, but it can get better. Talking was the only thing that helped. Putting it out there is so scary, but I was still here at the end of the day. My life didn't implode. Hang in there.

John
 
Hi, Jason.

I can relate to the feeling of pain too. I have found that the pain comes and goes, and moreover, you can deal with your self-esteem so that you can lesser the void inside. Sometimes I have had such painful feelings I just wanted to roll myself into a ball and cry. With the time, these feelings were weaker. You know, man, they have become weaker. The support from the guys on these forums really helped. I think roadrunner once said that the best therapist is you yourself, or something close to it. There is not any of your fault for the loneliness, unemployment, and so on. Those who were hurting you produced this life. I believe in that. You are good on your own.

Courage to you.

Alexey
 
Jason,

I can really relate to your feelings. For me, the pain is in my chest, and it is more associated with fear now, rather than shame, but my reaction to it is similar.

People on this site who are farther along in their recovery have told me that it does get better, so I trust that. When I'm in the moment, it's difficult, but I do believe.

You are not alone in your feelings or on your path of recovery. Write here as much as you need to. It really helps.

You should be proud of yourself that you recognize that there is no running away. I understand that to be an important part of the recovery.
 
Hi Jason,

I'd first like to welcome you to the MS site and hope that you'll find much support and new friends here...

I too understande that pain - I feel it very deeply some days - lately I to seem to be spending a lot of time in bed (don't even want to get up - even though I am awake) - I have worked a grand total of 3 full weeks so far this year (because of a shoulder injury and a union strike) - I live in the last house on a dead-end road 8 miles from the nearest town - isolation is a very easy thing for me to do living out here - but, the last 2 years I've been fighting to push myself to go out into public - to try not to isolate myself so much - it's not easy - but it's something that we need to do - we are good people that had some bad things happen to them - we do not need to hide ourselves away from the rest of the public - we have a lot of good things in us to contribute to society - it's sad that society does'nt understand some of our struggles better - I wish it was easier - but I just wanted to let you know that I'm here struggling right along side of you... - You seem to be on the right path - just keep pushing yourself forward - the loneliness will fade as we continue forward on the path to healing

TJ jeff
 
Jason,

Imagine that! someone else that has that same feeling that I do. That sense of fear, weakness and shame that befalls you everytime your friends ask you to go out with them whether it be a party, a club, or any sort of social interaction. The fear of being exposed for who you really are in front of those people is a horrible feeling. Its sort of ironic how the effects of abuse work because there is ABSOLUTELY! no reason for you to be ashamed of who you are. Shame I believe is the most destructive emotion that spawns from the abuse that you and I and everyone else have endured. Shame results in anger and fear, and as you said, loneliness. However, I know from experience that it does get better. You may not even notice while it is happening because it is a very slow process. However a while down the road you'll see in hind sight that it is getting better and better. It's scary but it is beneficial to go out and try to have a good time. We as abuse survivors also tend to think the worst is going to happen. Yea, you may end up getting in a fight but, its probably not gonna happen. You may get laughed at but, its probably not gonna happen. Those were my two biggest fears about going out. I was affraid I wouldn't know what to do in those situations and I would walk away feeling ashamed and weak. However, there is nothing to be ashamed of. As a matter of fact, I bet you can't write down one reason why you should be ashamed. When I feel shame, I tell myself there is nothing to be ashamed of and it helps. So if you make plans, its best to keep on heading to your destination and don't let those feelings control the outcome of your life. They're important, but they're only feelings. I'm still struggling but it is getting better slowly. You can't learn how to ride a bike without jumping on it and falling a few times. If you had let the fear stop you then, you wouldn't have experienced the fun of riding a bike. Good luck! Go kick it's ass Jason! Be tough!

Yours truly,
another guy named Jason
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top