Pain, guilt, shame, degradation, isolationism, withdrawal and controlling anger
Pain, guilt, shame, degradation, isolationism, withdrawal and controlling anger. These feelings are a legacy of hiding and locking away painful memories, the guilt and shame for over 33 years. They have ruined an 18 year marriage to the most wonderful and beautiful woman in my life. I am 41 years old and what happened to me when I was 8 years old has caught up with me and destroyed my life. I guess the destruction began several years ago when I began isolating myself and withdrawing from my wife and kids. Years of pushing my wife away and I did not even know why. Well that changed several months ago when my wife finally had enough and walked away from our life together.
It is horrible having to face this alone. I have no family here except for my wife and kids and they dont want to have anything to do with me. I have no friends because I have never been able to make any and dont feel comfortable with people. Only with my wife did I feel comfortable. I thought she would understand, because she was raped and sodomized when she was 9 years old. After we were married a few years, she was having bouts of depression and did not know why, she began therapy and began to remember the rape after many years of blocking it out. She began to remember and relive it. It was difficult for both of us. Many nights I held her for hours or even throughout the entire night whispering love and comfort as she cried and screamed while she relived that nightmare. It affected our relationship emotionally and physically. I loved her more than my life, how could I do anything else but be there for her. Now it is my turn, but there is no one here for me to hold me and comfort me when I cry and scream. It is so lonely sometimes it is difficult to go on. I have never liked being alone and now there is nothing but loneliness.
My abuse began not long after the tragic death of my brother which makes all this even more horrendous. I guess I was lonely after my brother died and that made me wanting friends and acceptance badly. However, it turned tragic. I am putting in here a letter I wrote to my wife after I learned to openly remember and admit the abuse happened. I thought that now that I have learned the reasons for my faults in our marriage, it would bring her understanding and understanding would bring forgiveness so that we could begin healing our marriage but it seems that she just does not care anymore, it is to late.
My Dearest ______,
My therapist, Laurel, believes I should put this into a letter for you to read because what I am going to tell you I believe you need to know, and Laurel believes this as well. And it would be extremely difficult for me to tell you face to face. The first part of this letter what I'm going to tell you, you already know, it is about Michaels death and how that affected my life and our marriage. The second part of this letter I have never told you about. The guilt and shame was just to great for me to tell even you. Laurel was the first person I have ever spoken to about this and it was difficult telling even her. I am putting this in a letter because I am afraid of how you may look at me after you hear what I have to tell you. I am afraid and have always been afraid that you may look at me with loathing and disgust and that would make my shame too great to bear. What I'm about to tell you and you are about to read, is not meant as an excuse but rather an explanation that may bring to you understanding and understanding may bring forgiveness.
I ask that you read this through and I ask that when you are finished you do not think too badly of me. I would also ask that you not let the kids read this for then my shame would be complete. Maybe later, after I have learned to deal with it better, but please not now.
When I spoke with Dennis (my Pastor) on Wednesday evening, we talked about my anger and my issues of control. Dennis helped me to realize that my anger is part of my control issue. At the end of our time together Dennis told me that a controlling anger usually has an underlying fear associated with it. He said we need to find out what that fear was before I could come to terms with the anger and the control. As Dennis says my controlling was out of control. And that I needed to find out what that fear is before my healing can begin for myself or any other aspects of my life including our marriage.
Heavenly Father give me the strength to delve into my soul and my heart and deep into my mind for any hidden secrets. Give me the strength to see what must be seen and to know what must be known. Give me the strength to face what must be faced.
I had thought and prayed long and hard on this question for many days and I began to get a sense of where the fear came from. You see, the farther back in my memory I went, the harder I wanted to see, and the easier it was to recognize what I tried to hide and lock away. I found myself back on the day my brother died. I found myself reliving that day. Once again I saw everything in slow motion. I saw the car coming, and saw Michael ride out into the road, I heard the screech of tires and the sound of the car crashing into the bike. I see Michael and the bike flying into the air, I hear and I see Michaels twisted body crashing to the ground in the roadway. I'm stunned. For what seemed a long time but was only seconds I cannot move. I'm crying and I'm screaming as I run to him, I see blood everywhere, a see Michaels right arm almost severed from his body, a see his legs all twisted up, his face is turned towards me and I see a gaping hole in his head. I dont know what to do, I dont know how to help him, all I could think to do was what I had seen on TV was to put my head on his chest to listen for his heart. I put my ear against his chest and I listened as his heart slowed and slowed and finally stopped. His last words to me as I listened for his heartbeat he said to me "I love you Wayne I'm going to see Pepe." I remember Mr. and Mrs. Generoux pulling me away from Michaels body and carrying me away from where he lay. I remember watching the neighbors trying to perform first-aid on Michael until the rescue squad arrived. After they took Michael way, I remember watching the fire truck washing down the road where Michael died, I remember the stream of water running into a drainage ditch was blood red. I don't remember much after that until several hours later that evening when the relatives were arguing about who's going to take Wayne home with them.
I believe that is where my fear started, my fear of losing control. I was the older brother, I was supposed to be taking care of Michael, I was supposed to be watching him and protecting him. By allowing him to talk me into letting him take the lead on our ride and I gave up control of our time together and I lost my brother who I loved very much, my brother who was half of my life. I was angry at myself for a very long time and I don't think I even realized it. For most of my life I have carried that guilt around and have been angry at myself for not having that control. I think I have been afraid for a long time that if I didn't have control of everything in our marriage and our family that I would lose you. But it seems that by that control I have lost you anyway. I think I was so afraid of losing the ones I love that I did not see that by my maintaining such rigid control that I was losing you anyway. I believe a lot of the anger is tied up in the control. Because if I could not keep control I would lose you and the kids and that made me angry at myself and I took it out on others including you and the kids.
I realized Friday night as I sat on the bathroom floor crying asking God and Michael for forgiveness, because I was still blaming myself for Michael dying, for Michael dying in my place, I believe I have been asking God and Michael for forgiveness for many years. As I was crying for God to hold me, for Jesus to hold me, for someone to hold me. A wonderful thing happened, I felt the presence of Michael and God there with me, I felt Michael put his arms around me, he held me and as he held me he whispers to me "There is nothing to forgive brother, you did nothing wrong it was not your fault, I love you and our Father loves you, and we will be here when it is time for you to come home to us." I know now I was not to blame for Michaels death, there was nothing I could do to prevent it. I was too young to be responsible for such a tragedy. I was a child, I was playing and having fun, we were just two kids playing together and what happened was just a terrible accident. Perhaps now, these vivid memories of that day can begin to fade. And perhaps now all the guilt and fear may be put to rest.
This did not seem like the whole of the answer though. So over the next few days I continued to seek Gods guidance and to search my deepest thoughts and memories. Tonight it caught up with me. I again found myself on the bathroom floor crying unable to stop and crying out to the Lord for help me, to hold me and to show me what must be seen. I have found something in here that I must now reveal for the sake of my soul, my mind, my life and my marriage. I believe I have kept this hidden deeply in a dark corner of my mind because of guilt and shame. I know now and can admit that I am a victim of sexual abuse when I was a child. When I was about eight or nine years old, my Uncle Ronnie talked me into masturbating him until he ejaculated. He used the pretense of being the good uncle showing the young nephew what happens when a man becomes sexually aroused.
My dearest wife, what I'm about to tell you I have kept locked up and hidden away for a very long time. My guilt and shame was too overwhelming for me to tell even you until now. Earlier today during my therapy session with Laurel, was the first time I have ever told anyone what you are about to hear. The incident with my uncle Ron was a one time incident with him that was not repeated by my uncle, however, even that one time with him destroyed a deep trust I had for my uncle Ronny. The worse came shortly afterwards. The horror and degradation, the worst time of my life begins. You see, I also remember being sexually abused by two of the older neighborhood boys. Again I was about eight or nine years old at the time, they were twin brothers David and Philip and were around 17 years old at the time. It began with them saying they wanted to teach me and show me the pleasures of sexual arousal what men and boys need to know. They began by fondling me and performing fellatio on me. Telling me it was natural and not wrong. This went on for some time, and of course they told me that if I told anyone I would be in trouble. Then they began forcing me to masturbate and perform fellatio on them. They would tell me that if I did not do this for them they would have to tell all my friends and my family what I was doing because it wasn't fair to them that they did to me what I did not want to do to them. This continued for about one-and-a-half years. It seemed like many years. It was a horrible time of being forced to do things that I know were wrong but did not know how to stop it. It was terrifying being forced to perform fellatio on boys that were as large as most men. They would hold my head and force themselves on me until I would gag and they would laugh about it and boast how big they were. I believe the only saving grace was that they would pull out of my mouth before they ejaculated and forced me to masturbate them until they did. Forced to do it on one and then the other. Often times it was painful. For they were big boys, large for their age and were very strong. Their father owned a mini-farm, so they spent a lot of time cutting firewood, working the food garden and repairing outbuildings. They has large callused hands and when they touched me, they were sometimes very rough. My penis would sometimes be red and swollen for 2 or 3 days. I would have to keep myself hidden and I was ashamed. I was a little boy, I did not even have pubic hair yet, and they would sometimes pull on my penis until it was painful and I would cry out and they would let go, but would continue with the sex. There hand were very large and their fingers were very large and sometimes they would put their fingers in my anus and it would hurt so much. Afterwards I would be crying on my way home, but I would have to stop or someone at home would wonder what was wrong, and I just couldnt have anyone find out. It finally stopped after David and Philip turned 18 years old and joined the Army. I did not know how to get out of it, I did not know how to stop it. You can't know how afraid I was just to go outside where I might run into them. I found I preferred solitude, being out in the woods by myself where I would not run into David and Philip. It was difficult being around my other friends when they were there, because of the guilt and shame I would feel with them around. In the fear that someone would find out what was happening to me. When they would find me or run into me they would get me alone and it would happen again and again and again. The pain and the shame came again and again and again. I'm crying as I am remembering and reliving this. I feel so guilty and ashamed and this is a guilt and shame I have carried ever since. I realize now that I was very angry and am very angry because I had no control over what was happening to my body and my emotions. I had no control and look what was happening to me. It was David and Philip who were in control and I was being hurt and shamed. They manipulated me into believing that I could not tell anyone and that I had no way out of this. It was the most horrifying and the most lonely time of my life. This has been a stigma that I have carried with me for most of my life. I guess I always felt it was my fault although now I know that is not true. Laurel has helped me begin to understand that it was I who was the victim and that the guilt and shame is not mine to bear. But it is only a beginning and I have a ways to go because I have carried that guilt and shame for far too long.
I thank God for opening my heart and mind to see these things which were hidden for so long, and now my healing can begin. And the Lord will see me through this, he will catch me when I fall, he will steady me when I stumble, he will carry me when I am too tired to go on and He will hold me when I need Him to.
I know you must be thinking how disgusting I am. I dont want to see you because of the disgust and loathing I will see in your eyes when you look at me. I am sorry for this and I am sorry for what it has done to us. I do love you and I will always love you. You will forevermore be my wife and soulmate. I am and will forevermore remain your husband. I will always have my memories of you. And no one and nothing can ever take those away from me.
Love
Wayne
Does this legacy of guilt and shame remain forever. Will loneliness always be my life now. Can there never be forgiveness from my wife for all that I took from her. Can we never have our life together again. Was it a mistake, was it wrong for me to give her this letter and to finally tell her what I had kept locked away and hidden for so long. Was I wrong in believing she would understand and forgive. There was never any physical or sexual abuse nor alcohol or drug abuse during our marriage. But a lot of isolationism, withdrawal and pushing her away from me emotionally.
God, the loneliness is death itself. It is sad and painful to have to carry this burden alone. I would give anything just to be held for a while. At least being held would lessen the pain for a while. I find I am crying all the time. I feel I am being punished and I dont want to be punished anymore. It wasnt my fault so why am I being punished.
Thanks for listening, I dont mean to be a burden.
Wayne
It is horrible having to face this alone. I have no family here except for my wife and kids and they dont want to have anything to do with me. I have no friends because I have never been able to make any and dont feel comfortable with people. Only with my wife did I feel comfortable. I thought she would understand, because she was raped and sodomized when she was 9 years old. After we were married a few years, she was having bouts of depression and did not know why, she began therapy and began to remember the rape after many years of blocking it out. She began to remember and relive it. It was difficult for both of us. Many nights I held her for hours or even throughout the entire night whispering love and comfort as she cried and screamed while she relived that nightmare. It affected our relationship emotionally and physically. I loved her more than my life, how could I do anything else but be there for her. Now it is my turn, but there is no one here for me to hold me and comfort me when I cry and scream. It is so lonely sometimes it is difficult to go on. I have never liked being alone and now there is nothing but loneliness.
My abuse began not long after the tragic death of my brother which makes all this even more horrendous. I guess I was lonely after my brother died and that made me wanting friends and acceptance badly. However, it turned tragic. I am putting in here a letter I wrote to my wife after I learned to openly remember and admit the abuse happened. I thought that now that I have learned the reasons for my faults in our marriage, it would bring her understanding and understanding would bring forgiveness so that we could begin healing our marriage but it seems that she just does not care anymore, it is to late.
My Dearest ______,
My therapist, Laurel, believes I should put this into a letter for you to read because what I am going to tell you I believe you need to know, and Laurel believes this as well. And it would be extremely difficult for me to tell you face to face. The first part of this letter what I'm going to tell you, you already know, it is about Michaels death and how that affected my life and our marriage. The second part of this letter I have never told you about. The guilt and shame was just to great for me to tell even you. Laurel was the first person I have ever spoken to about this and it was difficult telling even her. I am putting this in a letter because I am afraid of how you may look at me after you hear what I have to tell you. I am afraid and have always been afraid that you may look at me with loathing and disgust and that would make my shame too great to bear. What I'm about to tell you and you are about to read, is not meant as an excuse but rather an explanation that may bring to you understanding and understanding may bring forgiveness.
I ask that you read this through and I ask that when you are finished you do not think too badly of me. I would also ask that you not let the kids read this for then my shame would be complete. Maybe later, after I have learned to deal with it better, but please not now.
When I spoke with Dennis (my Pastor) on Wednesday evening, we talked about my anger and my issues of control. Dennis helped me to realize that my anger is part of my control issue. At the end of our time together Dennis told me that a controlling anger usually has an underlying fear associated with it. He said we need to find out what that fear was before I could come to terms with the anger and the control. As Dennis says my controlling was out of control. And that I needed to find out what that fear is before my healing can begin for myself or any other aspects of my life including our marriage.
Heavenly Father give me the strength to delve into my soul and my heart and deep into my mind for any hidden secrets. Give me the strength to see what must be seen and to know what must be known. Give me the strength to face what must be faced.
I had thought and prayed long and hard on this question for many days and I began to get a sense of where the fear came from. You see, the farther back in my memory I went, the harder I wanted to see, and the easier it was to recognize what I tried to hide and lock away. I found myself back on the day my brother died. I found myself reliving that day. Once again I saw everything in slow motion. I saw the car coming, and saw Michael ride out into the road, I heard the screech of tires and the sound of the car crashing into the bike. I see Michael and the bike flying into the air, I hear and I see Michaels twisted body crashing to the ground in the roadway. I'm stunned. For what seemed a long time but was only seconds I cannot move. I'm crying and I'm screaming as I run to him, I see blood everywhere, a see Michaels right arm almost severed from his body, a see his legs all twisted up, his face is turned towards me and I see a gaping hole in his head. I dont know what to do, I dont know how to help him, all I could think to do was what I had seen on TV was to put my head on his chest to listen for his heart. I put my ear against his chest and I listened as his heart slowed and slowed and finally stopped. His last words to me as I listened for his heartbeat he said to me "I love you Wayne I'm going to see Pepe." I remember Mr. and Mrs. Generoux pulling me away from Michaels body and carrying me away from where he lay. I remember watching the neighbors trying to perform first-aid on Michael until the rescue squad arrived. After they took Michael way, I remember watching the fire truck washing down the road where Michael died, I remember the stream of water running into a drainage ditch was blood red. I don't remember much after that until several hours later that evening when the relatives were arguing about who's going to take Wayne home with them.
I believe that is where my fear started, my fear of losing control. I was the older brother, I was supposed to be taking care of Michael, I was supposed to be watching him and protecting him. By allowing him to talk me into letting him take the lead on our ride and I gave up control of our time together and I lost my brother who I loved very much, my brother who was half of my life. I was angry at myself for a very long time and I don't think I even realized it. For most of my life I have carried that guilt around and have been angry at myself for not having that control. I think I have been afraid for a long time that if I didn't have control of everything in our marriage and our family that I would lose you. But it seems that by that control I have lost you anyway. I think I was so afraid of losing the ones I love that I did not see that by my maintaining such rigid control that I was losing you anyway. I believe a lot of the anger is tied up in the control. Because if I could not keep control I would lose you and the kids and that made me angry at myself and I took it out on others including you and the kids.
I realized Friday night as I sat on the bathroom floor crying asking God and Michael for forgiveness, because I was still blaming myself for Michael dying, for Michael dying in my place, I believe I have been asking God and Michael for forgiveness for many years. As I was crying for God to hold me, for Jesus to hold me, for someone to hold me. A wonderful thing happened, I felt the presence of Michael and God there with me, I felt Michael put his arms around me, he held me and as he held me he whispers to me "There is nothing to forgive brother, you did nothing wrong it was not your fault, I love you and our Father loves you, and we will be here when it is time for you to come home to us." I know now I was not to blame for Michaels death, there was nothing I could do to prevent it. I was too young to be responsible for such a tragedy. I was a child, I was playing and having fun, we were just two kids playing together and what happened was just a terrible accident. Perhaps now, these vivid memories of that day can begin to fade. And perhaps now all the guilt and fear may be put to rest.
This did not seem like the whole of the answer though. So over the next few days I continued to seek Gods guidance and to search my deepest thoughts and memories. Tonight it caught up with me. I again found myself on the bathroom floor crying unable to stop and crying out to the Lord for help me, to hold me and to show me what must be seen. I have found something in here that I must now reveal for the sake of my soul, my mind, my life and my marriage. I believe I have kept this hidden deeply in a dark corner of my mind because of guilt and shame. I know now and can admit that I am a victim of sexual abuse when I was a child. When I was about eight or nine years old, my Uncle Ronnie talked me into masturbating him until he ejaculated. He used the pretense of being the good uncle showing the young nephew what happens when a man becomes sexually aroused.
My dearest wife, what I'm about to tell you I have kept locked up and hidden away for a very long time. My guilt and shame was too overwhelming for me to tell even you until now. Earlier today during my therapy session with Laurel, was the first time I have ever told anyone what you are about to hear. The incident with my uncle Ron was a one time incident with him that was not repeated by my uncle, however, even that one time with him destroyed a deep trust I had for my uncle Ronny. The worse came shortly afterwards. The horror and degradation, the worst time of my life begins. You see, I also remember being sexually abused by two of the older neighborhood boys. Again I was about eight or nine years old at the time, they were twin brothers David and Philip and were around 17 years old at the time. It began with them saying they wanted to teach me and show me the pleasures of sexual arousal what men and boys need to know. They began by fondling me and performing fellatio on me. Telling me it was natural and not wrong. This went on for some time, and of course they told me that if I told anyone I would be in trouble. Then they began forcing me to masturbate and perform fellatio on them. They would tell me that if I did not do this for them they would have to tell all my friends and my family what I was doing because it wasn't fair to them that they did to me what I did not want to do to them. This continued for about one-and-a-half years. It seemed like many years. It was a horrible time of being forced to do things that I know were wrong but did not know how to stop it. It was terrifying being forced to perform fellatio on boys that were as large as most men. They would hold my head and force themselves on me until I would gag and they would laugh about it and boast how big they were. I believe the only saving grace was that they would pull out of my mouth before they ejaculated and forced me to masturbate them until they did. Forced to do it on one and then the other. Often times it was painful. For they were big boys, large for their age and were very strong. Their father owned a mini-farm, so they spent a lot of time cutting firewood, working the food garden and repairing outbuildings. They has large callused hands and when they touched me, they were sometimes very rough. My penis would sometimes be red and swollen for 2 or 3 days. I would have to keep myself hidden and I was ashamed. I was a little boy, I did not even have pubic hair yet, and they would sometimes pull on my penis until it was painful and I would cry out and they would let go, but would continue with the sex. There hand were very large and their fingers were very large and sometimes they would put their fingers in my anus and it would hurt so much. Afterwards I would be crying on my way home, but I would have to stop or someone at home would wonder what was wrong, and I just couldnt have anyone find out. It finally stopped after David and Philip turned 18 years old and joined the Army. I did not know how to get out of it, I did not know how to stop it. You can't know how afraid I was just to go outside where I might run into them. I found I preferred solitude, being out in the woods by myself where I would not run into David and Philip. It was difficult being around my other friends when they were there, because of the guilt and shame I would feel with them around. In the fear that someone would find out what was happening to me. When they would find me or run into me they would get me alone and it would happen again and again and again. The pain and the shame came again and again and again. I'm crying as I am remembering and reliving this. I feel so guilty and ashamed and this is a guilt and shame I have carried ever since. I realize now that I was very angry and am very angry because I had no control over what was happening to my body and my emotions. I had no control and look what was happening to me. It was David and Philip who were in control and I was being hurt and shamed. They manipulated me into believing that I could not tell anyone and that I had no way out of this. It was the most horrifying and the most lonely time of my life. This has been a stigma that I have carried with me for most of my life. I guess I always felt it was my fault although now I know that is not true. Laurel has helped me begin to understand that it was I who was the victim and that the guilt and shame is not mine to bear. But it is only a beginning and I have a ways to go because I have carried that guilt and shame for far too long.
I thank God for opening my heart and mind to see these things which were hidden for so long, and now my healing can begin. And the Lord will see me through this, he will catch me when I fall, he will steady me when I stumble, he will carry me when I am too tired to go on and He will hold me when I need Him to.
I know you must be thinking how disgusting I am. I dont want to see you because of the disgust and loathing I will see in your eyes when you look at me. I am sorry for this and I am sorry for what it has done to us. I do love you and I will always love you. You will forevermore be my wife and soulmate. I am and will forevermore remain your husband. I will always have my memories of you. And no one and nothing can ever take those away from me.
Love
Wayne
Does this legacy of guilt and shame remain forever. Will loneliness always be my life now. Can there never be forgiveness from my wife for all that I took from her. Can we never have our life together again. Was it a mistake, was it wrong for me to give her this letter and to finally tell her what I had kept locked away and hidden for so long. Was I wrong in believing she would understand and forgive. There was never any physical or sexual abuse nor alcohol or drug abuse during our marriage. But a lot of isolationism, withdrawal and pushing her away from me emotionally.
God, the loneliness is death itself. It is sad and painful to have to carry this burden alone. I would give anything just to be held for a while. At least being held would lessen the pain for a while. I find I am crying all the time. I feel I am being punished and I dont want to be punished anymore. It wasnt my fault so why am I being punished.
Thanks for listening, I dont mean to be a burden.
Wayne
