Pain, fear, and paradoxes, kinda long
You know, I have sat here in front of this blank screen for awhile, not knowing what to say, but needing to say something, a paradox if you will. My mind is just 'swimming' thinking too much and at the same time not thinking enough, let me explain. I keep thinking about the bad things, about the pain from my past, and about the pain I am being forced to endure now, and it hurts. It hurts so damn bad. Sure I have done bad things before, who hasn't? But now I am being falsely accused of some things, and that kills, it rips at my heart and my soul, and I just don't know what to do or think about it. As if having to deal with pain of the past isn't enough, being falsely accused hurts so bad, especially when coming from a former friend.
Paradoxes seem to rule my life lately, needing to do something, but not knowing what to do, or how to do it. Living in my own little world, filled with pain and fear and panic and terror, but also living in the 'real world,' and not knowing which is more powerful. Working at things, yet not really working at them.
I just hurt too bad inside to deal with it right now, suicide has felt like my only recourse, however I will fight that urge as hard as I can. Do I want to die? Sometimes, sure I do, but sometimes I don't want to. The only constant seems to be pain, pain from my past, and pain from my present. Nothing but pain swirls in front of my eyes, hiding all joy, hiding all happiness, all I can see or feel is pain and fear, nay, terror.
Some terrible things have been done to me in the past, I have been abused so badly I was stuck in a hospital bed, emotionally destroyed so all I can experience is the pain; and now it feels like someone let loose termites into my foundation, people turning on me, people I truly cared about, people I was glad to know, people who I tried my best to help, people who turned into my most avid detractors, and now I don't know what to do or think.
Not knowing how to keep living, not knowing how to die, there's another paradox for you. Not knowing how to see, not knowing how to feel anything but pain and fear. Living is a burden, dying is a bigger burden. I just don't know what to do or think anymore, I reform my life and get more accusations, is it worth it anymore? Is moving on that important? Is living worth all the pain? I just don't know anymore.
I am even too scared to talk about this with my therapist, I can't even face it myself let alone with another person, so maybe posting here will help me feel a bit better. I just feel totally depressed, I haven't felt this low in a very long time, I haven't been on the verge of falling apart like this for months. Sometimes I just dream of peace, dream of a life with something other than pain, then I open my eyes and the pain is there. Is life really worth all the pain anymore? Is there enough reward in the end to continue living through hell? I just don't know anymore.
I have the radio going, playing a pretty good song, one that really fits for me, called "The Reason" from Hoobastank, it begins "I'm not a perfect person, there's many things I wish I didn't do..." and that fits so well, for everyone I think, it just pulls me in so many different directions. There are many things I wish I didn't do, and many things I wish I did do, I just don't know what to do anymore, and hate the fact that I may regret any decsion I make. Pain and fear are overwhelming, when will I be able to feel peace? When will happiness be near? When will I be able to get past all the pain, and when will I be able to stop caring what others think of me?
Sorry this went on so long, I just needed to get it out, just needed to 'vent' i guess, just needed someone else to know how i am really doing, someone to know i am falling apart, someone to care that i can barely keep moving, someone to know that i can't even hold my head up anymore. I must have done something terrible in a previous life to deserve all the abuse and accusations, I just wish I knew what it was.
Thank you to anyone who read this, thank you for bearing with my so called 'train of thought.' Though I know it probably doesn't make much sense.
scott
Paradoxes seem to rule my life lately, needing to do something, but not knowing what to do, or how to do it. Living in my own little world, filled with pain and fear and panic and terror, but also living in the 'real world,' and not knowing which is more powerful. Working at things, yet not really working at them.
I just hurt too bad inside to deal with it right now, suicide has felt like my only recourse, however I will fight that urge as hard as I can. Do I want to die? Sometimes, sure I do, but sometimes I don't want to. The only constant seems to be pain, pain from my past, and pain from my present. Nothing but pain swirls in front of my eyes, hiding all joy, hiding all happiness, all I can see or feel is pain and fear, nay, terror.
Some terrible things have been done to me in the past, I have been abused so badly I was stuck in a hospital bed, emotionally destroyed so all I can experience is the pain; and now it feels like someone let loose termites into my foundation, people turning on me, people I truly cared about, people I was glad to know, people who I tried my best to help, people who turned into my most avid detractors, and now I don't know what to do or think.
Not knowing how to keep living, not knowing how to die, there's another paradox for you. Not knowing how to see, not knowing how to feel anything but pain and fear. Living is a burden, dying is a bigger burden. I just don't know what to do or think anymore, I reform my life and get more accusations, is it worth it anymore? Is moving on that important? Is living worth all the pain? I just don't know anymore.
I am even too scared to talk about this with my therapist, I can't even face it myself let alone with another person, so maybe posting here will help me feel a bit better. I just feel totally depressed, I haven't felt this low in a very long time, I haven't been on the verge of falling apart like this for months. Sometimes I just dream of peace, dream of a life with something other than pain, then I open my eyes and the pain is there. Is life really worth all the pain anymore? Is there enough reward in the end to continue living through hell? I just don't know anymore.
I have the radio going, playing a pretty good song, one that really fits for me, called "The Reason" from Hoobastank, it begins "I'm not a perfect person, there's many things I wish I didn't do..." and that fits so well, for everyone I think, it just pulls me in so many different directions. There are many things I wish I didn't do, and many things I wish I did do, I just don't know what to do anymore, and hate the fact that I may regret any decsion I make. Pain and fear are overwhelming, when will I be able to feel peace? When will happiness be near? When will I be able to get past all the pain, and when will I be able to stop caring what others think of me?
Sorry this went on so long, I just needed to get it out, just needed to 'vent' i guess, just needed someone else to know how i am really doing, someone to know i am falling apart, someone to care that i can barely keep moving, someone to know that i can't even hold my head up anymore. I must have done something terrible in a previous life to deserve all the abuse and accusations, I just wish I knew what it was.
Thank you to anyone who read this, thank you for bearing with my so called 'train of thought.' Though I know it probably doesn't make much sense.
scott