OVERWHELMED.

[puppy]

i dont even know what to say or where to start. ive been reading/posting a lot of stuff. i guess its the only way i can sorta understand myself. just to get it all out. im really upset and confused. i think reading rangers post about his victim and everything really screwed me up. and im not by any means blaming anyone for my feelings. i chose to read that. and now im feeling really confused. so much of that i could relate to. being that kid in that horrible place. and reading what he wrote, about his victim loving him, ive been dwelling on that one statement all day and its pissing me off more than i can explain. its not love. its confusion and trust and a kid just being a kid. its not love. god how mad that makes me. not at anyone in particular. at everyone. at all the people who hurt kids and twist it around in their minds and make it ok. or minimize it. or assume that kids are capable of adult emotions.

i keep dwelling on my feelings about my abuser.how angry i am and how conflicted i am. and everyone tells me i need to let that go and focus on my own healing. well right now im becoming more and more aware that i will never be able to let that go. i cant just forget about it and pretend that i dont have this HUGE problem with him. i HATE HIM and i love him and i am so god damn ANGRY. that is my favorite word these days. because its the one thing that is consistent. its all i feel. or at least most of what i feel. i want answers. i want him to tell me why. i want him to feel everything i feel. i know itll never happen. but i am dwelling on it and i dont care. i want to know what went through his mind. HOW can someone make it ok to themselves. how do you not care. how do you not care.

i am just so pissed off. and im not meaning to attack anyone for posting whatever they want. i just think that post triggered a lot of crap for me. no ones fault i guess. i read it.

 

Puppy:

I don't know what to say right now. I guess I'm feeling pretty overwhelmed too. I don't know if this will help or just hurt. But that thread was moved to the "unmoderated forum." And maybe you or some of the others here might care to read my last two posts.

But let me say...You're doing good, Puppy! Hang in there. We can get through anything together. And that goes for all the guys here.

Take care. Take a jog. Go to the gym. You know, do all those nice things that you mentioned before that you do for yourself at such times. I got a "safe" chair I think I will sit in and just rock myself to comfort.

All the best,

Jasper

 

[ForeverFighting]

It's OK to be angry. And whoever is telling you to let go of your anger must be in a different place than we are, because for the first time in our lives, we have a choice. Could we be angry back then? No. Now we can. Feel that anger.

That post you're talking about was triggering. And like you, I chose to read it, knowing how triggering it would be. This guy is the person my mind cannot comprehend, and it's not his fault. He's the perp AND a victim. He gave the apology none of the rest of us got. I feel for him on a victim level. I appreciate his efforts in attempting to reconcile a horrific act, again from a victim level. But there's another level that (thankfully!) none of us have been. It's on that level that he chose to walk the same road that left us all damaged. And I think he understands we must feel anger from that point of view, no matter how much we wish him success in his total and complete healing.

All of us come from different places. I did trust my uncle who SA me. He was nice to me, or at least I thought he liked me, even if he didn't. And as a kid, I had no idea what he was doing, but it felt dirty, wrong. He is to blame, and I am angry at him, not just for ripping the trust right out of my heart and ruining this pure life I could have lived, but for NOT getting me help, NOT apologizing, NOT going to the police and my parents. I hate him for making me live all these years dealing with his actions while he pretends nothing happened. I hate him for damaging me.

Feel the anger. It's not your fault. And if I did trust my uncle, even look forward to his visit prior to him betraying me, it's STILL not my fault. In order to drill that into my mind, I must sit with the anger at my uncle. And I don't think it's about "letting go". It's not like there's a switch we hit that makes all the anger turn into forgiveness. Over time, the feelings will become less strong. The scar will always be there, but maybe it won't hurt quite so bad.

Hang in there, OK? And nobody has the right to tell you what you can and can't feel. Just feel. That's how it loses its power. Write about your anger. I feel it, too.

 

Hey Puppy,

ForeverFighting gave you excellent advice. He's right. When we were being abused, we didn't have permission to get angry. We could only take it. But now that we are adults (or young adults), it's okay to get mad. Getting angry is healthy.

Can I share something that happened yesterday at my PTSD therapy group? Everyone was talking about their issues, then I started talking about being a male survivor. And the subject of my brother came up. And someone mentioned the possibility of my understanding my brother's mental illness and just forgiving him.

Well...let me tell you! All those years of pain came up to slap me in the face. "No way!" I said.

All my adult life I have tried to understand my brother, to get into his head. And on an adult level, I forgave him when I helped carry his coffin into the church for his funeral.

But "Little Jasper"? Little Jasper is pissed, really pissed at that f**king nutcase! Yes, I know I should use the correct terms to describe his mental illness. And I know them all. Like I said, all my adult life I tried to understand him. So I haave read books about mental illness, gone to mental health seminars, attended support groups for familly members of the menntally ill. And I learned a lot. For example, MOST MENTALLY ILL people never hurt a soul. That's important to remember.

But that brother did things to me that were just plain evil. And even if he weren't dead, he could never apologize enough.

Please, Puppy! Don't hurt yourself, okay? And don't do anything (like confront your abuser) until you talk this over with your therapist. Be kind to yourself. And know that everyone here is supporting you.

I'm proud of you!

Hang in there,

Jasper