overreacting?

[nightlight]

Okay, this is a little awkward. My mom used to be really smothering and too loving. Like as I got older, I felt like things were a little innappropriate, not that i was ever abused. But as I became a teenager and learned about sex, i got very sensitive about being touched,especially by my family- both out of embaressment and feeling like i needed my own space and respect. Often, my mom would do things to just piss me off, like pat my butt or something. I'd get angry and call her a pervert, only cuz i was mad and wanted her to leave me alone. After a while my mom got that i don't like being touched (my older sisters are okay with physical affection, so i guess she's not used to being told no). I have wondered about whether i've been abused, and even thought i was at times just out of not being respected for my personal space, so that i really got paranoid about getting close with my mom. I go to boarding school (not for bad reasons, i enjoy the academic challenge), and when i was at the airport and saying bye to my mom, she accidentally kissed me on the neck. I called her later and asked if it was accidental, (even though i knew it was). I sorta did it jokingly, because i didn't want to be taken in a bad way.

A couple months later i found out that my mom had figured i'd be bothered and probably call her. She even joked with my sister about it. When i confronted her, becuase i was really hurt, she said she assumed i had thought she was "coming on to me" or something. That really blew me away, b/c i never actually thought that, nor ever said anything like that. She mentioned how i sometimes called her pervert, but i tried to explain that i just said that cuz i was mad and wanted to get it across that i dont like being touched. Finally, i basically told her i didnt think that, and was sick to my stomach that she thought i did. She didnt apologize or anything, just said okay like trying to get me to just end.

Now weeks later i still feel horrible, like how can i go on knowing my mom thought that i would think such a horrible thing? Am i completely alone with this? Should i care, or worry? Does my mom think i'm perverted? I kinda just want acknowledment from her that she was wrong and she's sorry for thinking that becuase that really hurt and disturbed me. But i know that if i ever mention it again, she'll just say i let things bother me too much. Please help, I think I'm just taking everything out of proportion because i feel alone and confused.

 

[Ken Singer LCSW]

Nightlight:
You sound kind of confused about your mom's interactions with you and your mixed up feelings.

In some families, there are poor boundaries and even if there is nothing of a physical nature that crosses the boundaries (like sexual touch), there may be emotional blurring (such as sharing adult or intimate discussions with a kid, being too emotionally dependant on the child, etc.)

Sometimes, innocent parental affection may feel sexual, particularly if there has been previous sexual contact by another. However, sometimes normal adolescent hormones make everything feel sexual.

The best you can do at this point is talk with others here and when your mom does or says something that makes you uncomfortable, let her know. You haven't said anything that would give me the impression that she would be defensive or blame you. If she can be objective and supportive of you and your feelings, it should be safe for you to express yourself to her.

If you are under 18, our mod buddy coordinator, Howard (Scotty Todd) will be in touch with you to help make your time here safe and productive.

Welcome aboard.
Ken Singer

 

[ScottyTodd]

Thanks Ken!!


Howard

 

[Leosha]

Nightlight,

I have sympathy for you, as my mother also has poor boundaries. In my case, there was sexual touch as well. But even without that, a lot of her joking, what she would say (specially after my father had left us), and other non-sexual touch, didn't feel right to me.

Everyone has their own personal boundaries and 'space' as you say. It sounds like even if she is not actually abusive, she is quite wrong to have so little respect for the boundaries you have tried to set for yourself.

I think Ken has some good insight for you. I hope that with more thought on it, and perhaps having again that space, it will feel a bit better for you.

Good luck,

Leosha

 

[nightlight]

thanks you all. i'm doin better.

my main problem is just this paranoia that the things i say may be taken the wrong way. for instance, i watch tv in my parents room because they have the only tv in the house. so when my mom or dad would use the bathroom, i'd rag on them for not closing the door. so like recently when i was watching tv, my mom is behind me on the otherside of the room and says "i'm gonna change, will that bother you?...look forward" and it sounded just like she was being considerate, but at the same time i thought "ofcourse i'll look forward, i'm not gonna turn back" and i dont know if i should say "hey, if u ever need to change just say i have to change". does she think i'd look if she didn't tell me to look forward? could she be poking fun at how i make them close the door going to the bathroom? or does it just mean u don't wanna turn around right now? i don't want to ask her that cuz that'll be worse.