I think I have done what I can to rationalize what was done to me, to try to make it make sense. Of course, logically, it shouldn't make sense. But for all this time, I've tried to force it to make some kind of sense, what was done to me, to be able to "deal" with it. (not that I've actually effectively been dealing with anything). So I guess in a way I've been an abuse apologist in my own scenario, by rationalizing what happened. I don't know how to get out of that trap, of "well, they were a good person except for this and this and this, and maybe it was done to them, maybe it was the drugs, etc", and actually accept what was done to me at face value. Do I need to do that to actually heal?