Overcoming self-hate

[shymitt]

For those of you who grew up feeling less than human, feeling worthless and loathsome and valueless and disgusting and better-off-dead and non-existant due to the abuse, have you been able to overcome those toxic feelings? If so, how? What worked for you? Was anyone able to provide you help or support in the process? What did that look like? What was helpful and what was not?

 

[Tom E.]

therapy has helped a lot & being in 12-step recovery has helped, so has this site...realizing that I'm not alone

 

[genedebs]

Hi shymitt

Being worthless, and not human (I thought I was a machine which is why I was detached from my emotions)and committed self hate.

I often felt I would be better off if I did not wake (this is after two suicide attempts).

I have been in therapy for decades. My therapist asked me to explore an alternative to my belief that I was worthless. After a few weeks I found that I could accept that I was inadequate.

But with a long experience with helping people get jobs,I knew that everyone is inadequate at something, Even a brain surgeon is inadequate as a plumber. Trying to select my achievements and successes and use that to prove I was worthy failed entirely.

I hope this is helpful.

 

[dark empathy]

For a long while there was only one thing that helped with this for me.
I was tied to the idea that I was worthless, diseased. any description of me would include the word "worthless" it was sort of "five foot 10, dark hair, worthless!"

I couldn't shift this, any attempt at positive thinking or recognizing my achievements didn't tend to work because then I would be arrogant and big headed.
If I did anything myself, if I wrote anything, sung anything I'd assume it was bad just because I! had done it irrispective of anyone else. If someone was my friend I'd assume that spoke to them being a nice person who could tolerate being with me.

the only thing I found that helped was rationality. I realized my feeling of worthlessness was not necessarily a reasonable thing to feel, that it was the voice of what I referd to as "shadow" namely that part of me caused by the abuse.
When I found myself engaging in sessions of self castigation the best I could usually do was "shut up! don't listen to that! it doesn't know what it is talking about"

Realizing my own bias and that I'd always be prejudiced against myself let me function. It didn't stop the feeling but it did at least let me recognize when I was judging myself particularly badly.

The feeling itself didn't start to change I met my lady, since having someone simply amazing who loves me for reasons I don't understand it is difficult to maintain, its like a block of ice melting in sunlight.

Hope some of this is helpful.

Luke.

 

[Pollux]

I'm sorry you feel worthless and all of the other things you posted. I would give you a hug if I could. But you aren't worthless and your life is valuable. I know that it's hard to see it now. Believe me, I've been there. With a plan... But just be easy on yourself and take one day at a time; sometimes, one hour or minute at a time. It will get better.

A 12 Step Group is good. Sharing your experiences and hearing others will help you. It takes time to get the courage to tell details of your story. But as you continue to attend, hear others share and feel confident that you are in a safe non-judgmental space you will start to realize that we all have struggles.

Therapy is also good. Especial helpful to work through areas that you are stuck on. They can help you recognize past and continued trauma in your life. For me it was the realization that I am extremely codependent.

Exercise and yoga helped me with my struggles immensely. I started focusing on positive goals in fitness rather than letting my body waste away because I just didn't value my life. I wanted to die anyway, what was the use to lose weight, be fit and have good health? Right now I'm planning and conditioning to do a race here locally.

Hobbies and positive goals. Doing things I've always wanted to do but was scared what people might think. Like cross stitch, yoga, sewing and having a stuffed animal. Those things make me feel good and I'm at the point now it doesn't matter what people think about it. None of them are self destructive behaviors.

Additionally, abuse and trauma cause damage to your brain. I can't stress enough being on the correct meds with the correct levels. To much you won't feel anything, too little it won't take the edge off. Above all, DO NOT SELF MEDICATE!!!

Take care!

Sean

 

[Ceremony]

Hello shymitt, I too know those conditions. I've known a long time I've thought myself worthless, and it's only been about a year that some small change has started. I have found it in therapy only. My therapist is sexual trauma trained, and is very aware of nuance in living and conditions.

It took me a while to find her, and I tried a man at first. He was in my network, she is too, but 2nd tier. There are a lot of things that went on for me to find her.


I researched some few Psychologists and trauma pretty well. I learned what I was going through, before and now with my therapist. That education has helped me greatly, I'm very receptive to what works for me now. I had a very big chip on my shoulder prior to this therapist. I didn't believe therapy did anything for me, nor thought it really helped anyone, I've changed my mind.

I have had EMDR and Sensorimotor therapies, and then Cognitive Behavioral with them. I know some others discuss theirs around the forum, and I do a lot of sharing about therapy. Responses and sharing has helped me understand what I'm going through with these therapies. EMDR and Sensorimotor especially. They're not easy to get started with in my opinion, I found the research and preparation to be extensive. Now it's worth it.

I have gained the knowledge of what parts are, and that's way to hard to explain in a short post. Those parts are helping me the most, and it's done with the EMDR and Sensorimotor, and CBT to sort out my thinking. I get confused as I interact with my parts. Essentially my parts are each age of me, the inner boys, that I interact to establish their trauma (mine) and what I as the adult of us is trying to do to help make progress. The goal to me is manageable. I want to live life and stop hiding. Stop fearing and being anxious about so much. Then, the miracle of liking me seems to be there. I have a small flicker of it, a dim star in the dark sky, and I keep hoping to see it glow. So, I keep up the work with that hope.

Best wishes, and welcome to this caring group.

 

[KMCINVA]

shymitt

I think most of us live with this sense of being damaged, less than adequate, and self-hate. Why I have come to learn is because the abuse was not mine despite decades of believing I wanted it, I deserved and my body said I enjoyed it. None of this is true and until I believed these were not true, I could not love myself because I was damaged, dirty. Over the years many reinforced these beliefs, once I broke away and surrounded myself with compassionate and kind people here, in my private life did I begin to change how I thought of myself. It was a slow process and I am thankful for those who never gave up on me because I had given up on myself.

Changing how we think of ourselves is the first steps which leads us to believe we can love ourselves. Not an easy process, much pain and suffering but remember extricate yourself from people who reinforce this negative belief in yourself and find people who can show you CSA damaged the survivor and are there to listen and not judge, give you a hug and a smile.

Kevin

 

[Bluedogone]

For me, I think the many positive examples of the guys on MS who've been through hell and back and are thriving or are doing the really tough work to make that happen are great proof that it does get better.

Knowing some of the "Dark" that Dark Empathy has been through then, compared to now, it would be a good idea to re-read again and again his comments.

Best wishes as you grasp as your own internal mantra, and really believe it - I AM WORTHY.

Blue

 

[traveler]

you who grew up feeling less than human, feeling worthless and loathsome and valueless and disgusting and better-off-dead and non-existant due to the abuse

that pretty well describes how i felt about myself. it wasn't just the sexual and physical abuse that made me feel that way, but also because i lived with the step-dad who was the number one perp and who also told me those things about myself in so many words and by his attitude for about 13 years. the bullies at school and in scouts did a good job of reinforcing that message through their actions and words as well for a couple of those years.

since it was outside sources who delivered that message, i could not counter-act and overcome it by myself. just repeating affirmations and positive self-talk did not made a dent. I needed outside voices to tell me the opposite of what i had believed for a long time.

the first time i told my story (in my 30s) and was surprised to receive an empathetic, compassionate, and encouraging response, the wall started to crack. a good therapist helped me to chip away at it further. my wife's understanding and support continued the demolition. attending one of of the MS Weekends of Recovery brought more of it down. getting involved in a peer support group for male survivors completed the job.

another part of the process was making peace with the boy I was, forgiving him, seeking his forgiveness for the contempt and rejection i had felt for him, and embracing him and uniting with him.

at the same time that the old structure was being destroyed, a new one was being slowly built piece by piece. in the words and attitudes of my support circles i found new self-respect and dignity that replaced the self-loathing and hatred. now i am content with who i am.

LEE

 

[Dust]

This thread is compelling to me. It is a great topic, and the responses are chock full of valuable advice and life experiences. The response/quote below, which I borrowed from another thread, seems to fit well here too, as it speaks of that mechanism, the inner critic, which continually refreshes and perpetuates self-hate.

This is a journey now, and I barely started it by getting sober, and doing some things to try all my life, not realizing the serious inner critic that held over all of me. I'm starting the job of loosening its grip, and it makes a difference. It is slow SDD757, and validated by therapy with this:

Link to Pete Walker about the inner critic

By Pete Walker: An inner critic that has dominated since childhood, however, does not give up its hegemony of the psyche easily. It obdurately refuses to accept the updated information that adulthood now offers the possibility of increasing safety and healthy attachment. It is as if the critic has worn a flashback-inducing groove in the brain the size of the Grand Canyon, and any of the thinking patterns listed below now hair-trigger an amygdala hijacking into abandonment fear and depression. The work of reminding clients that progress in critic-shrinking is often infinitesimally slow and indiscernible at first and can seem as interminable to the therapist as the client. The client’s habituation to only noticing what is wrong and what is dangerous, requires lifelong management. In the early work, I encourage the client to challenge the critic’s monocular negative focus over and over with all the ferocity she can muster.

 

[jas4159]

I found the single most helpful and
Was realizing the only way I was going
To heal was to make a total commitment
To recovery. I figured I had 2 simple
Choices. One continue with my life
As it was or decide I would dam the. Torpedoes and make a total commitment to recovery. I chose rrecovery. A total commitment included learning techniques for dealing with the abuse.
Learning as much as I could thru reasearch education and any support sites I could find.you have to know your enemy. A total and complete commitment to recovery. I wouldn't allow myself to fail. I have an amazing story , just like everyone else. It was an amazing adventure and as hard as it was. I would encourage all those who are wounded to make the commitment.

So many years I wollowed in self pity, shame and guilt. Only to realize that I was the only one who could change my life and self esteem. I realized I had to take full stewardship of my life and. Recovery. I realized the truth it was up to me and only me. The counseling and meds became my tools rather than much crutches. It is possible to recover.

Rich

 

[i-m-Bri]

Hi shymitt (great name, it could have described me ages ago)

So many great responses, but I have to echo them. For me it was therapy and getting physically fit. The two played hand in hand. But I have to marvel at where the work has taken me.

I hated myself so much I didn’t believe I was a boy, no matter the evidence. I isolated. I couldn’t be in a room of all boys with out an anxiety attack. I saw myself as pathetic and week.

Just this week I had an amazing experience. I am learning how to do bodybuilding poses. My coach invited a pro to come in and stand next to me. You know what? It was fun. I had a blast. Those voices that chewed me alive were silent! They left me alone!

It’s worth all the effort. Please push because you will discover you are worthy!