Over another hurdle

Over another hurdle
F

fusionoflove

Registrant
I've almost completely accepted being a victim. One of biggest problems I still have and I think it's why I've had such big problems with sexual identity after the attack is that I did ejaculate during it. I remember very little of the attack though. I was drunk, had some vicodin in me and was half-asleep during it.

It's sounds crazy, but as far as I remember the erection I had wasn't normal and the ejaculation didn't feel normal. I've heard that this causes women major problems as well. Sometimes they will become lubricated and/or have an orgasm.

In all respects, during the attack it felt like my penis wasn't even a part of my body and my thoughts weren't connected to my body either. I've heard people call it the fight or flight syndrome. My thoughts took flight because my body couldn't. As far as words spoken, all I could do was mumble and he continued to say, shut up, shut up, quiet, quiet, quiet.

I think this has caused the most confusion over my identity. Yes, it's lessened considerably, but it made me look at men as sexual beings. Something I'd never done before. It's like my attacker is telling me to be with men, because I liked the attack, which I didn't whatsoever. I guess that's why I felt I was going crazy at times. Sometimes those thoughts alone would haunt me. It didn't help either that my attacker told people who are close friends of mine. I became a coward and let people label me something I wasn't. That's why it took me over a year of panic attacks and thoughts of suicide until I decided to seek help. Damn, I still can't believe someone else had to actually point out that I was sexually assaulted. It really was the first time in over a year that something made sense to me and I cried and cried. They were tears of happiness and tears of sadness.

If you think you could add anything I'd greatly appreciate it.

Thanks

By the way, I forgot who, but someone remarked before that most, but not all, people on this site are victims of child sa. I don't know how much I can help because of my attack being so recent, but if you ever have any questions that you think my help you, ask me. Damn, I was so heavily drugged and helpless I felt like a child.
 
The man who attacked you is a particularly foolish individual. He is admitting to people that he committed the crime of sexual assault.

I am saddened that you feel all that confusion. Many of us here did eventually come to enjoy some small part of the relationship, especially if it lasted a long time. The man who raped me was like a big brother to me 99% of the time. I needed his love so much that I put up with the terrifying rapes and other crap.

The age difference can be important. but I think that the feelings of being betrayed and violated are the same whether we are adult or children. It is just very very confusing for kids. It took me years to come to understand that I did not cause him to atttack me. You did nothing to give him the right to assault you.

Hope you find that you will get some peace and understqanding here. It has certainly been a huge help to me.

Bob
 
I am NOT an expert, but I have done MUCH reading and research. For both males and females, sexual arousal, orgasms, et cetera are NOT out of the ordinary at all. These DO NOT mean the victim either invited or enjoyed the encounter. Arousal and orgasms are a involuntary reaction!

PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE do not beat yourself up. MANY of us have had identity issues, confusing thoughts and so on!

Hang in there. Take care of yourself!

God Bless You!

PEACE!

TJ
 
fusionoflove,

Your physical body had a physical response to physical stimulus. It did what it was built to do. It does not mean you enjoyed it, anymore than you would enjoy chattering teeth in extreme cold. It's like accusing someone of "enjoying sneezing."

No one deserves to be assaulted, whether as a child or as an adult. What he did to you was wrong.
They were tears of happiness and tears of sadness.
Click to expand...
That shows that you can feel your feelings. If you had them locked up before, you don't have to do that anymore.

Thanks,

Joe
 
Fusionoflove

I just want to say that you are not alone on this site in being an adult survivor of SA. I was 17 and 19 when I was repeatedly raped/abused. And you say you felt like a child, this really resonated with me. You were drugged and I was in hospital having had major brain surgery. We were both vulnerable!!!!

I too doubted my sexuality, how could I be hetrosexual but have had an erection when being raped? It was years later that I learnt this was a natural bodily reaction, though it still took some time to believe that it didn't have to mean that I enjoyed/asked for the abuse.

There were soooooo many conflicting emotions and I couldn't understand how I could feel all these emotions, it was just overwhelming!!! I split of parts of me and when told I had to thank him after he raped me I automatically did. It was as if it wasn't me talking.

But things have got better for me as I desperately hope they will for you, I'm not saying I've forgotton my abuse or that I don't still get triggered occassionally but the gaps between episodes of depression/thoughts of suicide are growing longer and I can now ask for help. A book which helped me is Titled Male on Male rape, by Michael Scarce and is published by Insight Books.

Warm Regards

Mark
 
fusion,

It is confusing. A lot of feelings to work through. A lot of distorted feelings. What are real what are distorted? Hard to figure out.

I see a lot of the myths surrounding male sexual abuse https://www.malesurvivor.org/myths.htm referred to in your post. Especially myth #1, #3, and #5.

I can relate.

Bill
 
You didn't 'like' the attack. Your body responded, in a way a body is meant to respond to certain kinds stimulation. There was no 'liking it' involved. Your attacker, he is an idiot, an ass. I am sorry that he told other people about it, making you seem a consenting partner in it. But for him to tell other people at all, what a jackass. Please do your best to know that YOU did nothing wrong. I wish you well.

Leosha
 
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