"Outing" myself in my blog (MAY TRIGGER!)
crisispoint
Registrant
The following is an exerpt from my blogs, written tonight, detailing my sexual abuse and rape. I posted it publically, and again made my name known, so that it might help anyoe who was looking for information on CSA/male rape. I also put a plug in for MS. I'm sharing with you all because I'm proud of who I am, and I hope this can help others.
I've been contemplating how to write this. After all, this isn't usually where I put stuff about my personal life (I have a seperate blog about that), and I put my real name here. I've been open with this to the people that matter, and that's cool, but I'm afraid of the whole world knowing this part of my life. Then, I realized that was part of the problem for everyone who deals with this particular issue.I was a victim of sexual abuse as a child, and of an adult rape. And I'm male.
You who read this have no idea how much it scares me to say this openly. Primarily because of the attitude society has about males being victims of sex crimes. It's one thing to be a perpetrator (we already know they're scum). To be an agressor is to be understood, if not accepted. But to be a victim of a sex crime, and male, well, this isn't really accepted yet by society. Thanks in part to the priest sex abuse cases cropping up around the world, it's being spoken of more (the only silver lining to come from that cellar of Hell), but folks still have trouble visualizing men in ANY part of the world being victimized this way.
Part of this attitude comes from the Machismo idea that may have a word in Latin culture, but is prevolent everywhere. Men are supposed to be dominent, aggressive, powerful, "in control." Even if they're criminals, they're the ones who are "in charge," so to speak. But to be a victim, even when you're a child, coming from this sort of ideology, somehow makes you to be a part of the crime. When you're a CHILD, the idea of "being a man," "being macho," is drummed into you, so to have something like this happen is unthinkable. To be a grown-up MAN and be raped, well, that's just not possible.
When I was 11, I was "groomed" by a guidance counselor, and then abused. I was emotionally abused and neglected by my father, so to have a grown-up male listen to me, respect me, "love" be for who I was, this was gold. I would do ANYTHING for this sort of acceptance, and since this guy was an expert in playing with minds, he was able to use that to get whatever he wanted from me. Force wasn't necessary at first. Fear neither. He had successfully isolated me from everyone else with our "little secret." The fact that fear and force became tools for him later just proves the age old truth that rape and sexual abuse are more about power than sexuality. This man was married and had kids (he took me to his house once to abuse me), and he still felt the need to rape a young boy. One can't remove the sexual acts from the nature of the crime, but this sort of thing is less about desire and romantic intimacy than about domination and control. This continued for a number of years, until I finally escaped junior high for high school and I was out of his direct supervision.
Now, the adult rape came from the sexual confusion I still feel about the abuse. I was basically cruising the internet, looking for male encounters. and I agreed to meet this guy for sex. And it WAS for sex, nothing else. He instead chose to take by force (he had a gun) what he was offered willingly and raped me. I was a grown-up. I should've known better. And it happened anyway. At the barrel of a loaded gun in my mouth. Sounds scary? It WAS. Most of my friends say "I'd never let that happen to me." I felt the same way, but when you have a loaded weapon pointed at you, and you're given the choice of "comply or die," this changes your macho attitude pretty quickly. Some might say I was "asking for it," and I sometimes feel that way too, but it's taken me some time to realize it WASN'T my fault, and I WASN'T "asking" to be raped. The fact that I was engaging in what some may freely call "unsavory behavior" DOESN'T remove the fact that I was RAPED.
In the '70s, and earlier, women and girls used to have to deal with this crap. Now, even though there are some troglodytes who STILL feel this way, females are getting the attention and help they deserve. This is good. They've been victimized for too long. It's time that sordid "fact" of society went away. The change in attitude was only possible when courageous women and girls came forward and addressed the issue for what it was - a crime and a violation. Now it's time for men to step up to the plate and stop the victimization of other males by speaking out against it. Some have, and they're a credit to men everywhere. The only way that sexual crime will end for everyone is to call it what it is - a violation of someone's personhood and a crime.
I'm not posting this for a clap on the back. I thoroughly expect to be either ignored or pilloried for being so frank about myself. But it isn't about just me anymore, it's about the others who suffer in silence. The only reason sex crimes exist at all is that there's a "cloak of shame" about it - the victim is blamed, thus they blame themselves - and this is destructive to everyone touched by rape.
If you've been a victim of a sex crime, male or female, the first step to healing is to get help. If you can't go to the police (most victims don't feel this is appropriate or desirable), call a rape crisis center in your area. They will put you in touch with advocates and therapists that you WILL need to deal with this trauma. A word of warning to men - sadly, these places are still used to dealing with female victims and may be less than understanding at first. This isn't okay, but it's understandable given that men haven't been open about being victims. Simply explain your situation and, if need be, firmly, but politely, insist on the services available to you as your rights. You ARE a victim and need help. There's no shame in this.
Also know that, while the road is long, and it will be challenging A LOT of the time, it WILL get better. The more you let the toxic trauma out of you, the more you will heal, because it will have less power over you. It won't hurt as much. And even though it will NEVER go away, it will get better and easier to manage.
For further anonymous help, as well as information for survivors and their loved ones, please check out www.malesurvivor.org for great support materials.
We, as men and as survivors, have nothing to feel ashamed or dirty about. The criminals are to blame, not us.
Be proud of who you are, and what you survived.
I'm Scot Carr, and among the other things that are in my background, I'm a survivor of rape and sexual abuse.
I've been contemplating how to write this. After all, this isn't usually where I put stuff about my personal life (I have a seperate blog about that), and I put my real name here. I've been open with this to the people that matter, and that's cool, but I'm afraid of the whole world knowing this part of my life. Then, I realized that was part of the problem for everyone who deals with this particular issue.I was a victim of sexual abuse as a child, and of an adult rape. And I'm male.
You who read this have no idea how much it scares me to say this openly. Primarily because of the attitude society has about males being victims of sex crimes. It's one thing to be a perpetrator (we already know they're scum). To be an agressor is to be understood, if not accepted. But to be a victim of a sex crime, and male, well, this isn't really accepted yet by society. Thanks in part to the priest sex abuse cases cropping up around the world, it's being spoken of more (the only silver lining to come from that cellar of Hell), but folks still have trouble visualizing men in ANY part of the world being victimized this way.
Part of this attitude comes from the Machismo idea that may have a word in Latin culture, but is prevolent everywhere. Men are supposed to be dominent, aggressive, powerful, "in control." Even if they're criminals, they're the ones who are "in charge," so to speak. But to be a victim, even when you're a child, coming from this sort of ideology, somehow makes you to be a part of the crime. When you're a CHILD, the idea of "being a man," "being macho," is drummed into you, so to have something like this happen is unthinkable. To be a grown-up MAN and be raped, well, that's just not possible.
When I was 11, I was "groomed" by a guidance counselor, and then abused. I was emotionally abused and neglected by my father, so to have a grown-up male listen to me, respect me, "love" be for who I was, this was gold. I would do ANYTHING for this sort of acceptance, and since this guy was an expert in playing with minds, he was able to use that to get whatever he wanted from me. Force wasn't necessary at first. Fear neither. He had successfully isolated me from everyone else with our "little secret." The fact that fear and force became tools for him later just proves the age old truth that rape and sexual abuse are more about power than sexuality. This man was married and had kids (he took me to his house once to abuse me), and he still felt the need to rape a young boy. One can't remove the sexual acts from the nature of the crime, but this sort of thing is less about desire and romantic intimacy than about domination and control. This continued for a number of years, until I finally escaped junior high for high school and I was out of his direct supervision.
Now, the adult rape came from the sexual confusion I still feel about the abuse. I was basically cruising the internet, looking for male encounters. and I agreed to meet this guy for sex. And it WAS for sex, nothing else. He instead chose to take by force (he had a gun) what he was offered willingly and raped me. I was a grown-up. I should've known better. And it happened anyway. At the barrel of a loaded gun in my mouth. Sounds scary? It WAS. Most of my friends say "I'd never let that happen to me." I felt the same way, but when you have a loaded weapon pointed at you, and you're given the choice of "comply or die," this changes your macho attitude pretty quickly. Some might say I was "asking for it," and I sometimes feel that way too, but it's taken me some time to realize it WASN'T my fault, and I WASN'T "asking" to be raped. The fact that I was engaging in what some may freely call "unsavory behavior" DOESN'T remove the fact that I was RAPED.
In the '70s, and earlier, women and girls used to have to deal with this crap. Now, even though there are some troglodytes who STILL feel this way, females are getting the attention and help they deserve. This is good. They've been victimized for too long. It's time that sordid "fact" of society went away. The change in attitude was only possible when courageous women and girls came forward and addressed the issue for what it was - a crime and a violation. Now it's time for men to step up to the plate and stop the victimization of other males by speaking out against it. Some have, and they're a credit to men everywhere. The only way that sexual crime will end for everyone is to call it what it is - a violation of someone's personhood and a crime.
I'm not posting this for a clap on the back. I thoroughly expect to be either ignored or pilloried for being so frank about myself. But it isn't about just me anymore, it's about the others who suffer in silence. The only reason sex crimes exist at all is that there's a "cloak of shame" about it - the victim is blamed, thus they blame themselves - and this is destructive to everyone touched by rape.
If you've been a victim of a sex crime, male or female, the first step to healing is to get help. If you can't go to the police (most victims don't feel this is appropriate or desirable), call a rape crisis center in your area. They will put you in touch with advocates and therapists that you WILL need to deal with this trauma. A word of warning to men - sadly, these places are still used to dealing with female victims and may be less than understanding at first. This isn't okay, but it's understandable given that men haven't been open about being victims. Simply explain your situation and, if need be, firmly, but politely, insist on the services available to you as your rights. You ARE a victim and need help. There's no shame in this.
Also know that, while the road is long, and it will be challenging A LOT of the time, it WILL get better. The more you let the toxic trauma out of you, the more you will heal, because it will have less power over you. It won't hurt as much. And even though it will NEVER go away, it will get better and easier to manage.
For further anonymous help, as well as information for survivors and their loved ones, please check out www.malesurvivor.org for great support materials.
We, as men and as survivors, have nothing to feel ashamed or dirty about. The criminals are to blame, not us.
Be proud of who you are, and what you survived.
I'm Scot Carr, and among the other things that are in my background, I'm a survivor of rape and sexual abuse.
