Outed.

Outed.
melliferal

melliferal

Registrant
I started a thread earlier this month about how some of our abuse could've at the time seemed completely "voluntary". We've discussed at length why that consent was not truly valid. As the opening post in that thread indicated, I had been arguing about that very subject in another forum I belong to. The thread in that forum has, unfortunately, reached a point of irrationality that even I cannot cope with, so I've bowed out of it.

The particular person with whom I'd been arguing sent me a Private Message a few days ago, indicating that he had been to this forum and determined, through some regrettably obvious contextual clues, my name here. I did not want him to know I was an abuse victim; however, partly through my own lack of caution, he now knows. He did not tell me whether he did any searches, and therefore found out anything more specific besides the basic fact that I'm an abuse victim. Still, he knows.

So I suppose my secret is out.

Before I came here, to MaleSurvivor, there were four people in the universe who knew anything about my abuse. Two of them are co-victims, two of them are the perpetrators. I haven't seen hide nor hair of them for 15 years, nor am I really interested in doing so. They could all be dead now - I wouldn't have a clue. I live on the other side of the country.

I was content to let those people be the only ones who knew. Even after posting here, nobody knew that I was abused. You just knew that such-and-such a thing happened to somebody who calls himself "melliferal". You guys don't know my real name.

People on this other forum know my real name. I've met many of them in person. This guy I haven't met, and I'm not particularly ashamed to say that I never want the pleasure. Still, he knows my name. And he knows I'm an abuse victim. The only not-originally-involved person in the entire world who knows I'm an abuse victim is a pedo-sympathizer that I don't know or trust.

This situation is unacceptable. It just doesn't feel right.

I neither want nor need this stranger becoming angry at some imagined slight and posting my dirty laundry all over the board without my permission. I don't know whether or not he would do such a thing - I don't KNOW him - but it's a possibility. So not only do I have to remedy the situation of a pro-pedo being the only person who knows my "dirtly little secret"; I've got to pre-empt any potential emotional damage that the situation could wreak.

I am in the process of composing a letter of indeterminate length, which I will post on a non-linked webpage, explaining my past. I will give this URL to a few specific people I feel I know well and trust implicitly. If my secret is going to be "out", I may as well tell it to people I think ought to, or could stand to, know it. When I am done drafting the letter, I will post it here for your perusal and suggestions before posting it as its own page.

If I envisioned any sort of disclosure, this was not the path. But what's done it done, and now I can only react. I'm still not willing to let my family and most of my other friends know, and I feel I can yet keep it that way.

C'est la vie, ain't it so?
 
I'm sorry that you are being pushed into disclosure on your other messageboard. I know I wouldn't want members of other boards I am a part of to know of my abuse. Its your secret to share and he shouldn't be digging into your personal life.
 
Melliferal - I am really sorry thatyou feel that you are now forced into a corner!

When I went to court recently, there were people that presented witness statements for me (how I had changed since disclosing). I was still anonymous in court (although my name was read out, it was not allowed to be repeated in the media).

The fact that my name was not allowed to be read out in the media made no difference locally. *people were in court! I'm sure that 'one hell of a lot of people' know who I am now!

I can still walk out of my front door and hold my head high - no one has called me anything negative directly to my face!

My Brother-in-law drinks in local pubs, and apparently the majority verdict is that I am some sort of hero: "Whoever it was that spoke up deserves some sort of medal! He must have some guts!"

You may be panicking as to what happens next, but whatever that is ....remember...YOU DID NOTHING WRONG!

Best wishes ...Rik
 
I support what rick says...

Since I "came out" for want of a better phrase the support I have got both openly and in private has been amazing.

I know you maybe feel trapped into this, but it may be of some benefit to you in the long run.

However, Im sure it goes for everyone here when I say we will all be willing to listen and support you through whatever comes along.

All the best

Duncan
 
Melliferal,

I am so sorry - and incredibly angry - at what has happened to you. The person who revealed to you that he has put it all together and now knows your name has done an irresponsible and uncaring thing and I hope you will take this up with Thad, who is the site administrator here. I can assure you that he will be interested in what is going on. Even if this person meant no harm in saying he knows your identity, as a survivor he ought to have known how devastating this news could be to you.

I would like to join Rik in reminding you that you have done nothing wrong. You were a child and it can never be the kid's fault, not ever. That said, I don't think that is the issue here. You are an articulate and clever guy, so I doubt that you need to be reminded that you have done nothing wrong.

I think the issue is ownership of information. Our stories are OUR property and they are very sensitive, and it is our right to reserve to ourselves who we tell and when we do so. I have said a lot of VERY private things to guys here, but when and who has always been MY decision. I have also heard several lifetimes' worth of horror from guys here, but again, that was THEIR decision.

To be outed like this is basically to rediscover what every abused boy has learned to his terrible cost: the world can be a cruel and dangerous place. It is to discover that our recovery, happiness and safety are not secure any longer, that perhaps everything we hold dear could come crashing down around our ears at the whim of someone we do not even know: not who he is, or where he is, or what kind of person he is.

Yes, perhaps there is no real danger. But you put a gun to my temple I will feel I am in danger and will not be comforted by reassurances that the gun isn't loaded.

Bro if there is anything I can say or do to help, or even if you just want to talk or vent, please let me know.

Much love,
Larry
 
Melliferal,

Just want to offer you my support and echo what Rik said. You did nothing wrong. You're one of the good guys and have the love and respect of all of us here.

You may want to follow Larry's advise and contact Thad regarding this issue if the individual involved was a registered user here. That is a serious breach of trust that should be dealt with. Whatever you do, just know that we'll stand behind you.

Lots of love,

John
 
This person was not a forum member; he simply found the forum and read my thread - it's in a public section. If he was, I'd have spoken with the appropriate people already...

Well, two of the people I've decided to tell, I told via voice conference. One of them, once I had spoken my piece, informed me that he had his own story to tell along that vein. Six degrees, right?

In any case, here is the letter I composed so far:

For reasons that will be made regrettably clear, I feel very bad about having to give you this link. On the one hand, be assured that the fact youre reading this letter says everything positive about my impression of you. On the other hand, the fact youre reading this letter means youre about to learn something that you may not have been in a hurry to know. But Ive got to tell you. And Ill explain why.

I have been posting and debating in a thread in the **** Forum which deals directly with the legality of adults engaging in sexual activities with children. Two individuals advocate legalization of the activity; most sane people do not. I will not waste your time detailing the particular argument on either side; if you are so inclined you may peruse the thread yourself Im sure you know which one it is.

During the thread, I made a terrible mistake by offering to poll members of an online forum for child sexual abuse survivors, regarding their views on their own abuse as relevant to a specific argument brought up in the **** thread. The mistake was in naming this forum in the **** thread. One of the individuals with whom I have been arguing sent me a PM indicating that he traveled to the abuse forum, saw the thread, and learned something that I really didnt want anybody to know. That something was the fact that I am a member of that forum, because I was once a victim of abuse.

I use a pseudonym on the abuse forum; so, aside from the people directly involved in these long-past incidents, there wasnt a single soul in the entire universe who really truly knew about anything that had happened to me none of my family, none of my friends. I was content to keep it that way, until I opened my mouth too wide as it were and named the abuse forum on the **** thread. When that happened, things changed; now there was somebody, in the real world, who knew my name, and knew that I was an abuse survivor. That somebody the only person on Earth who knew was a pro-pedophile sympathizer whom I dont know, dont trust, and dont respect. There is just something fundamentally wrong with that. It is for this reason, above all others, that Ive composed this letter. The reason you are reading it right now, is because I consider you a person that I do know, trust, and respect.

As for the abuse itself, well theres a couple of things Ill explain. The abuse occurred in Texas, during the period between my fathers being assigned to Panama and my being sent to Ohio to live with relatives. The abuse involved two other kids my age and two adults, all unrelated me, and involved the production of child pornography. Thats all I really have the heart to write at this point; you most likely dont want to read any more about it anyway. If you do, feel free to search my name on the abuse forum; my story is detailed there in a comfortable non-explicit way, and I wouldnt consider it any violation of privacy. Remember, youre reading this because I consider you a close friend.

What little Ive said should help explain a few extraneous things you may have been wondering about for instance, my sometimes single-minded-seeming crusade against child pornography. If youre wondering, Im not any kind of emotional wreck or perpetually hurt individual. I dont trigger when the subject of abuse is brought up; I dont suffer from flashbacks, Im not seeing a psychologist, or anything like that. Im as stable and well-balanced as anyone if youve met me, Im sure you know that. But the abuse has not been completely devoid of effects. For instance, my whole life Ive tended to actively avoid sex in general. Remember a little while ago when I was so excited about finally getting laid for the first time in years? The importance of that event was deeper than you probably thought.

Anyway, I didnt bring you here because I want sympathy, advice, or anything like that. I dont want you to change the way you act around me, or be more conscientious. I dont want you suddenly censoring your raunchy jokes, or cooling the sex-related talk that sometimes pervades the **** room. They dont bother me in the slightest. In fact, if you change the way you act around me in any way because of this information, I will sic my bees on you. You know Ill do it, too The only reason I felt I had to tell anybody at all about this is because, again, its just not right that someone like that person should know such a personal secret, whilst everyone else is kept in the dark and if I absolutely have to tell somebody, its going to be people I trust implicitly. The unfortunate list of people Im giving this URL to is very small.

I am not ashamed to talk about this at all; if you have any questions, Ill answer them, as long as the dialog is somewhat discreet (PM is a good venue). But otherwise, life goes on as usual its important to let that happen.

Apologetically,

JK
Click to expand...
 
Good letter. Sorry your story needs to be told in this way.
 
Agree with Kenf and I would be honored to know that a friend of mine thought so much of me as to include me as a recipient.

Very well written.

Thanks for sharing and I'm sorry you were placed in this position in the first place.

Regards,

Zipser
 
Good job Friend. Very understandable and to the point.

Lots of love,

John
 
Melliferal - the 3 friends that I first told after over 3 decades of keeping it to myself (never told anyone before) all stood by me! They wrote letters when I took the perv to court, explaining how I had changed since disclosing...I'd stopped laughing, the lid had come off Pandora's box, and there was no way that anyone could put it back on!

After the court case was over, I wrote personal letters to each of my friends! They each appreciated what I had written to them, although they didn't know how to respond in any depth!

They are still around! The experience has changed me very much, and I think we are all just waiting for the egg to hatch, and see who I am when everything calms down. The whole process is a metamorphosis! I am just hoping to become a butterfly that lives in the sunshine, and feeds off nectar, rather than a moth that lives in the darkness! Think that bit is down to me now!

I hope your choice of person 'to tell' was as good as mine! Be proud of who you are!

Best wishes ...Rik
 
Melliferal,

That's a really good letter and I wouldn't change a word of it. It explains exactly what needs to be clarified.

I wish you success with the people you choose to honor with your letter. It really is a big vote of confidence and trust and I hope they will recognize this and respond accordingly. It is always possible that they won't, of course, but I think you are a good judge of character and will have chosen the best possible people to tell.

Much love,
Larry
 
Hi Melliferal, I meant to write earlier, I like your letter, but I think you need to send a message back to the pedo-sympathizer. I am not sure why he let you know this. (I once found out that a girl was gay, she had no idea that I knew. I felt compelled to call her up and let her know. I did not feel right about her not knowing that I knew.) This guy may have felt the same about you not knowing that he knew.
Or, it could be that he is thinking of using this as a form of blackmail. In any case, you need to send him a strong message that, him knowing about you will not change how you think. Nor will it change what you write on the forum.

PS: could you PM me the web link to this forum, I may want to join, just to post a link to my survivor story, it is raw and graphic, and I really don't give a damn if someone determines that the real me is lostcowboy.

Take care,
Clifford
 
No, the message he tried to send by informing me that he knew was that the knowledge wouldn't affect HIS own arguments, and wouldn't change his position or the things he was posting. He also condescendingly suggested that I "withdraw" from the argument because I was too emotionally attached - which, my disdain for the author aside, probably wasn't a bad suggestion. And lastly, he seemed to suggest that his feelings were hurt by all your responses in this forum (MS). Anyway...

The thread is pretty much over; Mr. Rationality has been owned. He threw a tantrum, claiming that he couldn't have a fair debate because everyone else was so prejudiced or biased or irrational about the issue, so he quit the thread. So, lostcowboy, I appreciate your offer, but I must advise against it - the discussion's done with and your post might even be censored if it is too graphic (this forum is kind of uptight about language rules).

I suppose I am still willing to let you all read the thread, but I will not post the URL here in public, because I use my real name on that forum. Therefore, if you really want to see it, PM me and I will PM you with a link. I will strongly caution you, it was a heated discussion, and you will read some disturbing things which will make you very angry. So it's your call.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top