Outcast

[Tryingtolive]

alone in this world.
With so many others around.
I project myself in a mannered way.
But it never feels right.
Nothing ever feels normal to me.
A conversation seems like chore.
I admire people who are so open.
Friendly and loving.
I project that but I don't feel friendly or loved.
I'm so quick to get away.
Restrict myself and let society dictate me.
Certain thoughts I fight with that I can't express.
I look and wonder why.
Life is very confusing.
Friendships so hard to come by.
Relationships I no longer try to have.
Stay to myself.
Less disappointment.
No one gets a chance.
My guard always up.
No one has a chance to cross me.
I want love
But can't show it.
I want peace
But can't find it.
I want honesty
But can't be.
I see realness
But feel fakeness
I see love
But feel hated
I see peace
But at war with myself.
No one sees this.
And I only I feel it.

 

[Ceremony]

Yesterday, I marched with 90 thousand others to the St.Paul, MN Capitol Mall. I felt in awe, and wondered of so many people? I marched with my daughter, and two of her friends. I was accepted. Some women talked to me, some did the rally hug and hand holding, and included ME? I was both crushed inside and smiling. I haven't been in that situation for so long.

We stayed for 4 hours, marching, clapping and listening. I will remember this as a joyous time to be with my daughter. The alone in the crowd feeling came and went. Today, I still feel good about it. I want to relate to my feelings of loneliness in a crowd, and then not. I so rarely get to be with people like this.

Public interactions at work used to count as a source of good. Then, the trauma ptsd woke this past summer. I feel so much confusion and find few releases. I read you Ttl and I care. I hope over time, and writing, the mirror starts to reflect love for ourselves.

And now I'm going to cry...

 

[KMCINVA]

Tryintolive and Ceremony

Your poem captures much of my life, I read and say I need to take control. When I try I seem to stumble, sometimes I try to pick myself up and other times I just sit paralysis. I will keep your words in my mind. I am learning I am not an outcast and everything the abuser and other reinforced is a lie. I have value I will keep telling myself until I believe.

Ceremony I am glad you had a positive experience at the March. I am learning people do embrace people. It is those that push us away the seem to be able to gain the most control--probably from our need to feel apart that was robbed at the time of the abuse.

Kevin