Out

[AOAN72]

Well here goes
I am a gay man.
I accept that I have been in a relationship with my wife for over 20 years, and will continue to support my son. I owe it to myself and to both of them. I was of course raised to believe that being gay was a choice. While I have work to do on myself the old beliefs are crashing down. I still wonder though, was I able to mask my true feelings because of the abuse? Have I been dealing with the trauma by avoiding same sex relationships? It is what it is, but I am gay, that much is certain.
It is not a choice, I thought I might have been bisexual but after more soul searching I don’t think so. The idea of being with a woman in no way is bad, but I don’t think I fit into it on a deeper level.

I am happy to at least have that much figured out about myself ️‍

 

[Jer]

Thanks for sharing! I hope the realization is good for you.

Jer

 

[Ceremony]

Hey AOAN72, that's progress.

I'm glad you're finding yourself.

 

[AOAN72]

A hard fought battle. The war is not done.

Have to figure out next moves, but I have very limited resources

 

[i-m-Bri]

AOAN72,

Accepting your truth is huge!
Congratulations

 

[LoneWolfX]

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[Pollux]

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[AOAN72]

Thanks guys, I really need the positive right now. I keep beating myself up with my thoughts on how this is all going to play out with my wife and son, and the dissolution of my marriage. It is heartbreaking but I can’t deny my feelings. I don’t think it is fair to expect my wife to be ok with an open relationship either. We are best friends and I don’t want to lose that. With her insecurities she has before we met, she made me promise that I wouldn’t cheat on her. She said she would rather me leave first. I feel I have to honor that especially because this is all my fault or at least it seems to me that it is.

 

[KMCINVA]

Aoan72

I hope you find peace now that you have come to terms with your inner feelings and orientation. I hope it helps you to heal from the abuse.

The abuse can mess with our thoughts of sex and our orientation. This is why many survivors re-enact their abuse. The re-enactment does not define orientation but rather to many a way to relive or gain control over their abuse--but in reality it does not resolve the issues. Enjoy your life because it is your life.

Kevin

 

[AOAN72]

I am still blown away that I "experienced" my attraction to my wife the way I have. I am thinking it was an emotional attraction for something I didn't have? I would really appreciate if someone could let me know or even PM me what genuine attraction feels like? Since I have been in a relationship for over 20 years and think I have mis-interpreted my feelings for that long or longer, I need something to compare what a healthy complete attraction feels like, if that makes sense?

Happy New Year

 

[LoneWolfX]

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[Pollux]

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[AOAN72]

I had a dream the other night that I was driving down a steep hill like Lombard street in San Francisco. The brakes would give out more than I was comfortable with & then they came back & I could control the car better. It was like a slippery slope & I was unable to reverse course. At times I was ok, at others I was scared of the speed saying wait! Probably my mind adjusting to the reality of my gay realization? In the dream I don’t know what the destination was but at the end of the hill I was at peace & felt in total control. For the record I have never wanted to be gay, my heart aches for what I know is the eventual dissolution of my marriage. I only hope my wife can eventually forgive me for being so wrong about myself. I pray my struggles can help others. I am very angry at whom ever the guilty party is that caused me to bury myself for so long. It is bittersweet because if I hadn’t I wouldn’t have my son. Maybe that was the reason I experienced what I did. I have to keep hoping that it gets better from here and God is leading the way.

 

[Pollux]

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[AOAN72]

Only the end of my marriage. I say slippery because I am not able to deny these feelings. Either I go crazy denying my feelings for men, or I learn to accept them completely, rejoice that I feel more whole & complete than I have ever been in my life and move on to dating and enjoying my newly found sexuality. So many things I didn’t identify or flat out ignored through my life are now making sense. It’s like the synapses in my brain are reconnecting or something. It is at times terrifying because I don’t know what the future holds. It is also extremely exhilarating and exciting because I have not felt this level of openness towards myself, and this level of being charged I guess you could say. Until I was able to let these walls down and allow myself to explore this side of myself I never knew what a true attraction was. If I had felt this way earlier in life I know things would be a lot different now.

I agree with you on the statement of the “lifestyle”. Even before what I am working through now I didn’t think that was a statement that fit.

 

[Bluedogone]

Hi AOAN72,

Thanks for sharing the vivid mental picture you painted of the drive down Lombard Street. It's so realistic to me. Mostly because that drive is one of the fond memories of the visit to San Francisco.

I was visiting my son who moved there from our very religious part of the world. He seems to be doing exceptionally well with the move, and thrives in his newly found freedom. The freedom to be himself.

I offer my best wishes as you chart a lot of new and unexplored territory. I hope all the many people who will be involved in this change will react in the way they should, and know you will continue to cherish your son. The words in your signature line are so very important - Acceptance and Love.

Blue

 

[Jer]

Nice post bluedogone. Thanks for sharing!

 

[AOAN72]

Seems to be something I am trying even more now to cultivate in myself. I hope they handle it better than I am anticipating. My wife is of course hoping that I am not gay, but only bi. I have a friend from the time I was in the Navy, who is married with a son also. When he left the Navy, he was in love with the male room mate he was sharing an apartment with. She is hoping that my attractions are something like his, but mine aren’t. I just finished chatting with someone who is gay, and knows my wife and I, told him I am gay. Probably the hardest thing I ever needed to do for myself.

 

[chairdesklamp]

With all the stories now-a-days about people coming out of the closet at age 5, it's easy to forget it wasn't so easy to figure out in our time--I came out (sorta) as bi in the 90s, but I didn't know I could genuinely transition to being male until a few years ago. We didn't have as much acceptance, and had a lot more "good people are always heterosexual" shoved in our faces, until we believed it. So treat yourself easy on "how could I have thought I felt X" Society didn't give us much room to do much else.

(Sorry I can't tell you anything about healthy relationship stuff)

P.S., Simi Valley, huh? I used to live in the Bay (Oakland), now near L.A. (Another thing--even with the conversation opening, a lot of our peers may still be unaccepting. I have one friend in CoCo County who accepted it, but I started fresh in a new area as male) I was either near you pefore or I am now.

Trust me, I've lived in other places. I intentionally came out here, "California or Bust," but this is probably the best of the contiguous states to be in for being queer. We're lucky.

 

[AOAN72]

I was in the Navy for 4 years 90-94 stationed on the Abraham Lincoln at Alameda, now in Simi Valley

I do think we are lucky, welcome to the site, I notice you registered yesterday.