Out #2

[AOAN72]

The plan was to have my wife join me in therapy and then with the help of the therapist he would facilitate and help me come out to my wife. We were concerned about how she would feel, and whether it would be perceived like we conspired against her.
She is still coming to the therapy appointment but I had to come out to her last night. I couldn’t keep it in. I was having panic attacks and feeling extremely guilty not telling her. On the one hand I am relieved on the other I am torn and guilt ridden for telling her. I don’t have any malicious feelings for her. Now there’s an awkwardness between us and it is all confusing. She keeps asking if I want to be with her, but I have worked through my feelings and attractions to women and I don’t have any. I can’t explain it, it was like the 20 years of marriage was just suddenly a mute point? I don’t get that. I feel that I thought I knew what an all consuming romantic love was. Then processing my feelings and plugging into what was “missing” I realized I hadn’t been in that type of Love. I don’t even know if I am making any sense. The one thing I know is I am gay.

 

[Pollux]

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[Older1]

You said: "I feel that I thought I knew what an all consuming romantic love was."
Unfortunately, the honeymoon of romance and sex often does not last forever for most couples. The responsibilities and hardships of survival, careers, raising children and caring for aging parents brings the marriage relationship into a more somber state.
As we mature, our own self awareness and self knowledge increases, and we become aware of our own individual likes, wants and desires. At this stage, most partners shift away from suffocating togetherness toward a more mutually supportive role; helping each other achieve their goals (as friends do).
You also said: "I don’t have any malicious feelings for her" which I believe gives you a good space for collaborative negotiation. Good luck.

 

[Older1]

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[manipulated]

Good for you. And glad she is still going to T with you. Strength my friend be true to self.

 

[AOAN72]

Thanks guys I appreciate EVERYTHING. I wouldn’t have gotten this far without you. I don’t mean to be mushy, I am feeling really appreciative today for all the help I’ve gotten. I think the two biggest obstacles are past me, self acceptance and coming out to my wife. It’s not over yet, but I at least can breathe a sigh of relief for a little while.

 

[bamaTJ]

I, too, "discovered" I was gay after being married to my wife for over two decades. That occurred about seven years ago and my wife and I did eventually end our marriage. The road is hard, no matter the decision. Good luck.

 

[AOAN72]

Thanks bamaTJ