Our first therapy appt together

Our first therapy appt together
D

daneelyn

Registrant
Hello everyone,
I went to my first therapy appt with my husband, (his second appt). It was so hard. the therapist had him describe the first incident of abuse. He cried, I cried. I know that it will get harder as the description of the incidents will get worse. All I can do is hold him and tell him that it WILL get better. In my heart I know it will. She discussed a lot of other things with him as well, like how his step monster (mother) mistreated him. He was failed by so many people that should have loved him. My heart aches for him. I cant imaging the pain he is going through. I know a lot of you can relate. I wish I could get into his head and know exactly what he is going through, so I can better help him. He seemed OK after the appt. but came home from work today very disconnected and sad. I know he is upset becasue he went straight in to his work out room and started lifting very heavy weight. He does that to release his anger and frustrations. At least he doesn't do drugs or alcohol. Anyway I just wanted to let you all know how the appt went. We go back next Thursday.

Thanks for listening.
 
daneelyn,

What the therapist did sounds wrong to me, especially with you there. Your husband has alot of things to deal with, the abuse being first and foremost, but that should be between him and his therapist - not you. I think the only time you should be involved in knowing or not knowing any specifics about the abuse he suffered is if he chooses to talk to you about it.

My b/f is in therapy. I went to one appointment with him and we have another next week. What the therapist is doing with the two of us there is dealing with how we can better our relationship and how he and I can deal with the abuse as it relates to us. She does not ask him to describe the horrible things that happened to him, with or without me present, unless that's what he feels he needs to do.

I don't want to rain on your parade. I think therapy is critical, but this just sounds wrong to me.

ROCK ON...........Trish
 
daneelyn,

I must say that even before I read Trish's reply I had the same reaction. That was just wrong. Does this T have experience with survivors? I'd consider finding another one unless your husband is convinced this is the right one.

What was the T thinking?

Zipser
 
The therapist that my husband is going to has treated many patients that have been SA. Before she talked to him about the first incident she asked my husband if he was comfortable discussing it with me in the room, or would he like me to step out. He wanted me to stay. He wants me to know everything. I think he is afraid of being alone. I would have had no problem leaving. I want to do what ever is comfortable for him. The therapist is very nice and treates my husband the way he needs to be treated. He likes the way she reacts to his comments. She really seems to care about him. The first therapist he went to treated him like he was a criminal for what happened. He HATED her. I dont know if the therapist he is going to is doing the right thing or not becasue I have never been through this before. But my husband really feels comfortable with her. I truly dont know if she will have him go into anymore detail about the abuse. I guess I will find out as we continue going. I dont think he will want to change doctors. And I dont think he will want to go alone. Oh I hope this all works out ok for him. Now I am worried.
 
daneelyn,

Did your husband ask the T to be witness while he told you a description of an abusive incident? In that case, it would have been his idea and he simply wanted support and I would be OK with that because it would have been what HE wanted. Short of that or a similar scenario, I can't see the benefit of asking him to describe the first or any incident of abuse.

It's very good that your husband is comfortable with his current T; I think that really does mean the world and if thats the case, then he should be comfortable to enough to tell her when hes not comfortable. It really is not a therapists job to make a patient re-live horrible things. They are to help the survivor deal with the feelings they had and have because of those things. The T should create a safe environment, not one that causes anxiety.

Im not a therapist and I cant say that I have a lot of experience, but I do know from talking to my b/f, my own T and from reading a great deal here that the approach your husbands T is taking sounds funky to me.

Since you have a relationship with her too, maybe you could call her on the phone and simply ask a few questions. Check out this link https://www.malesurvivor.org/Professionals/Articles/consumer.htm before you make that call.

Dont be worried, but do question things if they feel or sound out of order to you and your husband and then do something to make it right. Just because this T is an expert doesnt mean she is an expert in you or your husband. Your gut feelings will tell you more than any expert ever will.

ROCK ON...........Trish
 
Daneely

I am new and an ms. I have not responded to anyone yet, but this post has caused reactions that I cannot hold in.

I could not imagine being in a T session with my wife present. I had/have emotions and feelings running wild while in a T session. This is an embarrassing, shameful thing to deal with. Many things that happened to me as a child I have never shared with anyone but my T. I also had many things happen that I didnt remember until I started working with my T, most of which I would not want my wife to know until I was ready if every. The most important thing for me and he is being honest. I could not, would not do that with my wife present. I think being honesty in a T session is the only way it will work. I must say I have concerns about his T??

It sounds like the both of you love each other very much. He needs you support, which it sounds like you are more that willing to provide. In my opinion you need to reassure him that your their for him many, many times and let him work with his T. My wife and I are separated but I know that she is and will be their for me anytime I need her. Does he know about this site? Reading some of the post will reassure him that he is not alone. Great site!! My first experience with this site was an emotional one, all I could do was cry, read and cry for hours.

The fact that he is talking about this I think is a positive thing, caution, he has a long road ahead. Love, support and lots of T work should help him the most, it has for me.

I hope this helps
Take care
Navavuum
 
Daneelyn,

Am I reading too much into your post when I say I wonder if you are really so satisfied with the way things are going?

I have seen three excellent Ts, and none of them ever asked me to describe an incident of abuse. To do so in front of my wife would have been a tremendous trauma for me, and I suspect for any survivor.

To take just one area of possible difficulty, what about intimacy between the two of you? When you are both so new to coping with the images of his abuse, isn't there a danger of these images getting in the way of a healthy and fulfilling sexual relationship?

If you are going to continue going to therapy together and this works for you, fine. But perhaps it would be a good idea to devote a session to the pros and cons of joint therapy. If the T cannot lead a conversation that gives a useful balanced picture, I would begin to worry.

Much love,
Larry
 
Thank you all for you input. I have taken it to heart. I had a talk with my husband last night. I asked him if he truly wants me to go with him to his appts. He said yes, why? I told him that I think it might be easier to talk openly (if that is what he want s to do) without me there. He said no he wants me there. I said weren't you alittle uncomfortable talking about the abuse with me there. He said alitt.e. So I told him there are many different ways for me to support him and me being there in the waiting area so I can be there when he comes out is fine. He wants to try that. I spoke to my sister who is a survivor. Maybe it is different for women, I don't know, but she said that her T had her describe incidents as well. She feels that it was getting it out. And leaving it out for the most part. It never really goes away but it helps to talk about it. All I know is that my husband is comfortable with his T and I don't want to take that away from him. I love him so much and will do what ever it takes to get him trough this. By the way our sexual relationship hasn't changes. I hope it doesn't. Thank you all for your words of advise. I appreciate it a lot.
 
Daneelyn,

Trusting your instincts and working with your husband to find the most comfortable methods that work for both of you is the best way to go. Even though his T's methods sounded odd to me, what the heck do I know? If your husband trusts his T and she takes care of him, then it's all good.

Just keep your radar up and assure your husband that if, at at time, he's uncomfortable, he has every right to back things up.

Good luck to you both.

ROCK ON.........Trish
 
Daneelyn,

Thank you for the update and it sounds like you've found a situation that works for the both of you.

Hope you'll continue to post here. There's much we all can learn from one another.

Zipser
 
Danyleen
when I was in therapy the option for my wife to attend as well was always there, but neither of us felt it was right for us, and we did discuss it a lot.

For me it was the feeling that having her witness my descritions of my abuse would in someway cause her to 'assume' some of the guilt and shame that I was trying so hard to escape.
To this day I have never told her details of my abuse, or my acting out as an adult. She know's what happened, as in what kind of sex acts went on, but not in as much detail that I shared with my therapist. Neither of us thought that she would benefit herself, or understand my situation any better if she knew the details.

Since then I've begun to work for the charity that provided my therapy and done most of the training to become a counsellor, and although I'm no expert I read and research a lot.
A good therapist will (usually) lead, not ask, the client. They provide the safe environment where the client can, when they're ready, disclose and deal with anything that comes up. So the 'deep stuff' can come up anytime the client feels safe and confident.
Personally I would try to avoid that happening when the clients partner was with them, for the client it presents another level of concern - "what will my partner think if I say xxxxxx?" and that can lead to them changing their minds and not disclosing fully ( at that time maybe ? )
If they are alone with the therapist then they should ( hopefully ) feel able to disclose virtually anything without fear of judgement, and that's a good place to test the waters.
I disclosed more ( but not the full sordid details ) to my wife after I'd tested my thoughts in therapy. That way I felt I could offer the complete, or at least a better, explanation to my wife, which I generally did.

I'm not saying don't continue as you are, or that the therapist is wrong, they all work in their own ways.
All I'm offering is another view.

Take care
Dave
 
Hi Daneelyn

I terms of therapist expertise I have the princely experience of 2 that I've seen myself and 2 that my partner has seen and 2 that we've seen together. In other words NOT A LOT!

I quite like to be guided and want to know that whomever I'm with is going to lead me along a path with as few bombs on it as possible. I also toyed heavily with having my partner along with me when I talked about abuse issues of my own.. somehow I thought I'd feel safer, as it was I didn't do that but I thought very hard about it. I've also told him more than I've told anyone else.

My partner is adamant that he is the architect of his own recoverery and in that sense if he's happy and feels its making him feel better he just wouldn't listen to any detractors, even if they said it was all wrong.

I wonder if theres a good dollop of whatever works for you.. or him.. in all of this, particularly with survivors. We are all so different.

Also its not set in tablets of stone.. he may change his mind about the approach in time even if it works for him now.

Good luck

T
 
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