Others

[FlyWM]

You know, I have dissociated for as long as I can remember, you know losing time, not remembering things. But just the last few days it has happened while I have been talking to friends online, and when I see the instant messages afterwards, it shows me saying I have a different name,different memories, different ages, and that does scare me to be honest, it is frightening, and makes me scared I am crazy, even more so than before. I remember getting scared or angry, and start remembering bad things, I don't remember what memories, but then everything goes blank and I look at clock, and has been several hours, or even all evening. I hate to admit this, and I am scared for anyone to find out in the real world, I mean I am afraid would be commited or treated diffrently, how could I continue to be just me, when I am nt just me, I am 'us' as some of my 'others' put it.

It is frightening to have this happen to me, yet I guess it is kind of nice knowing there is a reason I "lose time." It is just hard for me to accept, and after reading what my 'others' have said, I guess they have been with me most of my life, and I don't know if that should be comforting or terrifying, I guess I am kind of in shock about it at the moment. Perhaps sometime it will be easier to accept and to not be frightened by it, but I am so scared that people in the 'real world' will find out, I know some people tell me at times I am not myself look kind of different and act different, whether younger or older. I remember at work I got in trouble for something I didn't remember, I "snapped" to myself while was sitting in boss' office recieving a "talking to."

ANyway, just needed to get this off my chest, I apologize it is so lengthy.

scott

 

[theo]

scot,
my own dissociation takes the form of going to a distant place while in a zombie like mode, or it manifests during a flashback episode. i have also been aware that my emotions were compartmentalized like personalities, but they are not seperate personalities. the emotion most known to me to be fragmented is my rage. when that kicks in i am still theo, but am more mechanical and the quieter i get the more tension there is on the hair trigger as in a pistol that would set me off. i say all of this to differentiate ways survivors can dissociate. sometimes i wonder if little theo is a seperate personality, or more to the truth, whether i am another personality. i don't really think that is the case, but sometimes, especially this past few days, it hits me hard that perhaps little theo withdrew and i came into being and lived the life little theo was meant to live. it is scary and morbid, but that thought haunts me in times like this.

sorry, scot, i got carried away. what i meant is that i am here if you want to talk. we each have our story, but together, we craft the dawn.

 

[gryffindor]

Dear Scott,

Switching from part of myself to another would frighten me too. Maybe it would make it less scary to know that the switch from one ego state to another is the way your brain adapted to protect you from terrifying experiences. Now the switching occurs to protect you from intolerable emotions and memories, probably of the original events.

What you have described makes me think you have Dissociative Identity Disorder, DID. You have very likely been thinking the same thing. DID is a disorder not a psychosis. You are not crazy. People with DID are not hospitalized unless they want to be, and sometimes they want to be. People with DID are very intelligent and often very creative.
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I remember getting scared or angry, and start remembering bad things, I don't remember what memories,
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If you have a T please tell him/her about this. If you don't have a T, please get one who is familiar with trauma and/or male SA cases. If you can't find one who has dealt with men, then you will have to take one whose experience is limited to SA and females, which means you may have to educate her. This site's home page has links.

I don't know how DID is treated, but I know that if I had it I would want to get to know my others. I do know that there are DID people who live in a state of "shared consciousness," that is they don't blank out or lose time, and all of the parts of themselves are aware of everything all the time. Yet each part is distinct from the other parts. Usually they agree to answer to one name insofar as other people are concerned. It seems to me that you need to gradually get to know all of yourself and like all of yourself, that is, develop a good relationship with yourself in order to get to a state of shared consciousness. One way to do that might be to keep a notebook or spiral binder for writing notes to yourself, or use the word processing program on your computer. Use the other names your friends have mentioned, when addressing each part of yourself. I would write one note to each part rather than one note to the entire group. Remember these parts of you have rescued you from some very bad scenes so they will probably appreciate personal attention. Hopefully, they will write back to you.

Another thing you could do would be to try to cling to the threatening emotion or memory instead of blanking out. These are your feelings and memories, and you need to reclaim them in order gain wholeness. It would probably be best to do this at home when you have plenty of time and where you feel safe, or in your T's office.

It seems to me that you have had DID for a long time, but you are only now finding it out. I think some or all of your others have decided that you are strong enough to know about it, which is surely a positive step towards healing. Nothing has happened thus far to threaten your way of life, and nothing is likely to happen if you take steps to get to know you. That means you can't be critical, judgmental, or beat up on yourself because you did something you disapprove of or felt feelings you think are wrong. These parts of you are probably younger and need your guidance. You will have to gain their trust in order to give them that, and you will probably have to negotiate compromises. Check out issd.org (International Society for the Study of Dissociation) for Ts and more and better info.

The important thing is for you to not let fear and anxiety control your response to your DID. Lloydy (quoting FDR) said in another thread that the only thing we have to fear is fear itself. It really is the truth. If you try to control your fear instead of allowing your fear to control you, then you will succeed in reclaiming your life. I'm not saying that you shouldn't feel fear. I am just saying that you need to try not to let it overwhelm you.

I hope I've been able to help you, if only a little. I really believe you are going to be okay. I hope you do too. My best wishes and prayers go to you.

Mary