other reasons
other reasons
- Thread starterTrevor
- Start date
Bill_h_pike
Registrant
Don't bother asking. Whatever the reason it wasn't your fault.
Trevor, I don't know the exact details of your situation but I can tell you from my own experience and from living in a dysfunctional family that hatred towards others arises from self-hatred. Your stepfather and stepbrother don't hate you--they hate themselves but they're just not aware of it. They want others like you, people who don't have their problems, to feel the pain they have created so they feel the need to project it onto others.
Take for example my father. He is an alcoholic. It's difficult for him to believe that I do not have to slowly destroy myself to be at peace. When he drinks it is because he is in deep agonizing pain. He hates himself so much he needs to literally intoxicate himself to the point of stupidity just to forget his situation. Of course he'd rather just blame me and say that it was me not loving him that made him physically hurt me all those years and then tell me I wasn't his son. He can't even see it was the alcohol that made him violent. For him to accept that it was really him all along would devastate him.
It's a well-known concept that we project our own unpleasant feelings onto someone else and then blame them for having thoughts that we really have. I've known this intellectually most of my life but it's only been recently that I actually started to catch myself doing it.
Jesse
Take for example my father. He is an alcoholic. It's difficult for him to believe that I do not have to slowly destroy myself to be at peace. When he drinks it is because he is in deep agonizing pain. He hates himself so much he needs to literally intoxicate himself to the point of stupidity just to forget his situation. Of course he'd rather just blame me and say that it was me not loving him that made him physically hurt me all those years and then tell me I wasn't his son. He can't even see it was the alcohol that made him violent. For him to accept that it was really him all along would devastate him.
It's a well-known concept that we project our own unpleasant feelings onto someone else and then blame them for having thoughts that we really have. I've known this intellectually most of my life but it's only been recently that I actually started to catch myself doing it.
Jesse
TREVOR,
I dont like your attitude.
Everyone here is being patient and trying to help you and all you do is be aggressive and rude.
We all have shit to deal with, but we dont give you disrespect.
I can handle your aggression, some may not be able to. How would you feel if your attitude drove someone to self harm or even worse??
What your doing is not fair and not what these boards were designed for.
I dont like your attitude.
Everyone here is being patient and trying to help you and all you do is be aggressive and rude.
We all have shit to deal with, but we dont give you disrespect.
I can handle your aggression, some may not be able to. How would you feel if your attitude drove someone to self harm or even worse??
What your doing is not fair and not what these boards were designed for.
Trevor I hear what youre saying however nobody has asked you to leave.
I used to act angry with my family sort of kick em in the shins as hard as I could to make sure they were going to stay no matter how I treated them. Trust is very difficult for all of us as survivors to come by and if we are going to share our inner most pain, we want to know we are going to be accepted. Plus if I made them not want to listen to me then I wouldnt have to dig down inside myself and look at all the things I would rather not see. I guess it was easier for me to be angry with my family then to deal with my issues.
MaleSurvior isnt going anywhere Trevor and were here for you just as we are for everyone else, but it would be easier if you understood that, and used this opportunity to find the trust you seek with kindness.
I think you should stick around and push yourself to go beyond the anger. You can free yourself and start becoming the person you were meant to be.
I used to act angry with my family sort of kick em in the shins as hard as I could to make sure they were going to stay no matter how I treated them. Trust is very difficult for all of us as survivors to come by and if we are going to share our inner most pain, we want to know we are going to be accepted. Plus if I made them not want to listen to me then I wouldnt have to dig down inside myself and look at all the things I would rather not see. I guess it was easier for me to be angry with my family then to deal with my issues.
MaleSurvior isnt going anywhere Trevor and were here for you just as we are for everyone else, but it would be easier if you understood that, and used this opportunity to find the trust you seek with kindness.
I think you should stick around and push yourself to go beyond the anger. You can free yourself and start becoming the person you were meant to be.
u know what, i was mad and i didnt wanna
explain myself. but i dont wanna leave
here either. i like it here.
when i said i didnt like the ansr it wasnt said cuz was being rude. it was more like i was
thinking outloud and i laffed when i
typed it. and u know what japanzen thats
the 2nd time u got on my shit for something
and i dont care what u think of me
really. if im rude and agresive well thats
the only way i know how to be rite now
and if i wasnt like that back then i
would have been dead by now so i dont
care. and if my attitude made somebody
hurt themself, well id feel bad about
it, just like i feel bad about the
abuse, even tho that wasnt my fault
EITHER. and what am i doing thats not
fair anyways? how many ppl told me this
place is to get my feelings out. and like
everyone undrstands cuz they been there.
i never said anything bad to or about
anybody since i been here. all i been
doing is just writing about how i feel.
maybe im not so good with the words.
and u know what, theres people with attitudes
that i dont like either, but if i had to
tell them id send them in a private message,
not make them feel like a big fucking
idiot right out in the open! jeez
explain myself. but i dont wanna leave
here either. i like it here.
when i said i didnt like the ansr it wasnt said cuz was being rude. it was more like i was
thinking outloud and i laffed when i
typed it. and u know what japanzen thats
the 2nd time u got on my shit for something
and i dont care what u think of me
really. if im rude and agresive well thats
the only way i know how to be rite now
and if i wasnt like that back then i
would have been dead by now so i dont
care. and if my attitude made somebody
hurt themself, well id feel bad about
it, just like i feel bad about the
abuse, even tho that wasnt my fault
EITHER. and what am i doing thats not
fair anyways? how many ppl told me this
place is to get my feelings out. and like
everyone undrstands cuz they been there.
i never said anything bad to or about
anybody since i been here. all i been
doing is just writing about how i feel.
maybe im not so good with the words.
and u know what, theres people with attitudes
that i dont like either, but if i had to
tell them id send them in a private message,
not make them feel like a big fucking
idiot right out in the open! jeez
Trevor,
I understand aggressive too, especially the way you described it. I can so relate to what you say
It's a survival skill a child sometimes learns in order to keep safe and like you say, remain alive, in some cases.
Is it right to be that way? Well, it saved us, but there comes a time I think, when we need to learn to be softer, more understanding, and more compassionate. That takes a lot of time and hard work, but it's worth it in the end.
Just keep posting and talking to us. You're doing great, Buddy.
Lots of love,
John
I understand aggressive too, especially the way you described it. I can so relate to what you say
That was me from ages 8 to 46, but I didn't understand it as well as you do. I was just aggressive and didn't know why.
It's a survival skill a child sometimes learns in order to keep safe and like you say, remain alive, in some cases.
Is it right to be that way? Well, it saved us, but there comes a time I think, when we need to learn to be softer, more understanding, and more compassionate. That takes a lot of time and hard work, but it's worth it in the end.
Just keep posting and talking to us. You're doing great, Buddy.
Lots of love,
John
i think its better to be agressive ,we were passive for to long.say what you feel its about getting it out .i dont think what happens to it matters, its about not keeping it in,where it can hurt us .its not hard to understand that sometimes we overcompensate for the time when we had to be passive just to stay alive. shadow
Many things, there is not reasons. I do not know why always my parents was abusive, or if when I was 'on street' and was to near be killed, why that person 'pick' me. To try to find answer to question that do not maybe have them, it is to waste my time I think. Why did my father hate me? Why do I care. Why should it matter to me? It do not any longer. It is my success, to now be able to see as that.
roadrunner
Registrant
Trev,
I understand what you mean bro, and I will continue to say to you that at this point what you need to do is let out your feelings. That doesn't mean that a teenager gets a pass no matter what he says or does here; we all need to respect each other as brothers and try to work together as a community. I just mean that right now you have to feel free to let it all out.
Back when I was your age I wish I had had people I could just freak out in front of and know they were listening. I wish I could have said any damn thing and fuck you all and fuck the world, and yet know they realized I am angry and it's all coming at me from everywhere - that's why I'm lashing out in every direction. I wish I could have screamed it's not my fault and all this sucks. I wish I had had people who knew I was dying inside and don't even know what I'm saying sometimes. I needed people who would accept me and help me and not judge me and make me fear for my words.
That's what we can try to provide here.
But at the same time, Trev, have a look again at what Bill told you. He said don't bother asking why your stepfather and stepbrother hated you, and you know what? He's right.
I understand you didn't like the answer, but he's right. Basically, what he's saying is that as an abused teen himself he has learned that asking these "why" questions doesn't get us anywhere. He doesn't mean fuck off, he just means there ISN'T any satisfactory answer. What was done to you was just horrific and wrong and THAT'S IT.
Can you imagine Bill, or JapanZen, or me, or anyone, ever giving you an answer that would make you think, Oh okay, now I get it? The abuse of an innocent defenseless boy is a terrible crime and there's just no explaining it or making sense of it. That's one thing that makes it so hard and painful; we want the answers and of course we do, but all the wanting in the world won't provide them.
So as usual, there's two sides to every coin. Yes, let it out and express how you feel. But also try to remember that everyone here is on YOUR side and trying to help. Anger needs to come out, but on it's way out the door it can cause us to miss things that are right before our eyes.
We're all with you Trev. I know you will find this difficult to believe, but you are doing great.
Much love,
Larry
I understand what you mean bro, and I will continue to say to you that at this point what you need to do is let out your feelings. That doesn't mean that a teenager gets a pass no matter what he says or does here; we all need to respect each other as brothers and try to work together as a community. I just mean that right now you have to feel free to let it all out.
Back when I was your age I wish I had had people I could just freak out in front of and know they were listening. I wish I could have said any damn thing and fuck you all and fuck the world, and yet know they realized I am angry and it's all coming at me from everywhere - that's why I'm lashing out in every direction. I wish I could have screamed it's not my fault and all this sucks. I wish I had had people who knew I was dying inside and don't even know what I'm saying sometimes. I needed people who would accept me and help me and not judge me and make me fear for my words.
That's what we can try to provide here.
But at the same time, Trev, have a look again at what Bill told you. He said don't bother asking why your stepfather and stepbrother hated you, and you know what? He's right.
I understand you didn't like the answer, but he's right. Basically, what he's saying is that as an abused teen himself he has learned that asking these "why" questions doesn't get us anywhere. He doesn't mean fuck off, he just means there ISN'T any satisfactory answer. What was done to you was just horrific and wrong and THAT'S IT.
Can you imagine Bill, or JapanZen, or me, or anyone, ever giving you an answer that would make you think, Oh okay, now I get it? The abuse of an innocent defenseless boy is a terrible crime and there's just no explaining it or making sense of it. That's one thing that makes it so hard and painful; we want the answers and of course we do, but all the wanting in the world won't provide them.
So as usual, there's two sides to every coin. Yes, let it out and express how you feel. But also try to remember that everyone here is on YOUR side and trying to help. Anger needs to come out, but on it's way out the door it can cause us to miss things that are right before our eyes.
We're all with you Trev. I know you will find this difficult to believe, but you are doing great.
Much love,
Larry