Opinions, please

Opinions, please
P

Plain_Jane

New Registrant
I have been dating a guy for just under a year. He has sex issues. He continually asks me if I had ever had any sexual abuse as a child. I say no, because I haven't. When he is drinking (and he drinks a lot) he will start talking about how he is not a homosexual, and again ask me if I have ever had sexual abuse. Sometimes he won't have sex with me. I think he sees a psychiatrist because he let it slip out one night when he was drunk something about (qv) "that's what I pay a psychiatrist for". He says he is lost. He says he does not know what he wants. He goes out with oodles of women and sleeps with them...he has told this right to my face. He is a loner. He always goes away on Friday nights, driving six hours to get where he is going and then he is back the very next day and it appears he does not stay wherever it is long. He refuses to tell me where he goes on Friday...he says it is too personal.
I love this man regardless.
I have tried asking him about things, but he just clams up.
But we always come back to the topic as to whether or not I was sexually abused as a child. I know he has had a "mini" breakdown as well.
What should I do?
 
My first impression from reading this as one who has been through sexual abuse is this: When he is asking you if you were ever sexually abused as a child, he may be waiting for you to ask the question back, something like "No, were you?" He may be looking for an opportunity to share that with you, but doesn't really know how to go about it. I could be totally wrong, but that was my read of it. My other impression is that there's a lot going on for this guy, a whole lot. It wouldn't surprise me from what you described if he is dealing with abuse issues.
 
Jane
I tend to agree with EGL, he could be fishing for a way to say that he's been abused, but it's not an exact science.

His behaviours do seem to be a bit 'odd', but again that could be be due to any number of things.
The secrecy of his Friday night drives for instance, many of us led lives of great secrecy before we disclosed our abuse and started to do some recovery work.

I led a secret life of acting out sexually with strange men, while I was married. The secret was a terrible strain mentally, but it was something I was driven to do. And I only dealt with my acting out through therapy and honesty.

Dave
 
Hi PJ,

and your post made me think of what my guy first told me about how he was promiscuous in his younger years (we've hit the half century mark now) and even though he didn't fully get into recovery till now, he made a link earlier on between that promiscuitiy and his childhood SA and stopped that style of acting out.

I see lots in there and agree with the post that said he may be looking for you to ask and of course in that, to understand. I know I'm a broken record on this but Mike Lew's Victims No Longer book is worthwhile reading for the world as far as I'm concerned, but specifically, it's something you'd probably never regret exploring, even if it turns out not to be relevant.

Given that you mentioned feeling in love with him, I'd highly recommend it even for your safety which would be a concern I'd have (healthwise with his "activeness"). My guy's incredibly sweet and wonderful too, has a heart of gold and is an amazing liar as a result of the SA. A frighteningly "good" liar although I hate to use those two words together!

We need to be as self protecting and informed as we can and I think it's the best thing we can do for the relationships too.

Even though my guys in active recovery now and I feel good about the relationship, I'm very wary that I still don't know all the truths that he fears would cause me to reject him. I guess to me that'd be the ultimate goal of the relationship- complete honesty. Theoretically, or maybe ostensibly, we've got that now, but my gut tells me there's something. trust your intuition I'd say.

I'll save Lloydy a post here--- If you did decide to buy Mike Lew's book (and I am sure you'd never regret it) there's a link to Amazon from the books section at this site- if purchased through the link, the site gets a little donation, so we mention it. Glad you found us! An
 
I have asked him outright if he was sexually abused. He says no. He says his ex was and could not get past it. Yes, he lies. I have caught him in lies and have never said anything. He says he cannot be monogamous. He continually looks for new conquests. He says that some of his "sexual relationships" have been nice and others have left his feeling cheap. Sometimes he refuses to sleep with me. Sometimes he doesn't want to see me, he says "he wants to be alone". He has these moods where he is just icy cold and that is when he talks about his other women...surely he must know that it breaks my heart and it is almost as if he says these things without conscience. We have touched on SA. I have told him that it must be a very difficult thing to come to terms with and that I should think that the victims must feel it was their fault or something, and it isn't. But, I also said it isn't something to be ashamed of. I know that there is something he is not telling me, it's a gut feeling I have. Sometimes I feel he is on the verge of telling me and he is afraid, yet, other times, he gives me the impression that nothing bad has ever happened. He is extremely guarded to the point of paranoia at times. I do not know the mindset of anyone who has been s. abused. I do not know of their trials. I just cannot understand how a man who says he loves me, can sleep with other women, think of sex as a disposable, have no friends, be so paranoid, very guarded, disappear one night a week, and slips in the words sexually abused every time he has been really hitting the bottle (which is frequently). I have been patient. I have been giving. I have been loving and understanding. But there comes a point when the hurt of it all goes way past pain and I am thinking about jumping ship. Are these behaviours "normal" in men who have been sexually abused? I do not know. How I wish I did.
 
I was abused at a boarding school, which back in the late 60's seems to have been more common than I thought.
Over the years since there have been numerous scandals of sex abuse at various schools and other young peoples institutions such as remand homes and care homes. Most of the larger scandals have resulted in huge publicity in the press and TV.

When these scandals emerged my wife would often ask if anything like that happened at the school I went to, not particularly aimed directly at me, but at the school in general.
I always said "no"

I always regreted saying "no" as well, but once I'd said it once, I had to keep saying it.
Firstly because I couldn't be seen to change my story, and secondly I firmly believed that it wasn't abuse. I believed that I took part willingly in sex with older boys and a teacher.

So I kept the secret for 31 years, even though I desperatly wanted to break the secret in some way.
I also think that my acting out was also a very bizzare and misguided attempt at breaking the secret.
I acted out with huge risks of getting caught, and sex in public is illegal so getting caught would have certainly got back to my wife and family.
I sort of hoped that if I was in this situation someone would ask "why" - which would give me a reason to disclose. I also hoped, fantasized more like, that everyone would understand, it would be all over very quickly and we'd all live happily ever after.
Like I say, it was a fantasy, and thankfully I never put it to the test.

But the point I'm making is that disclosure is so complex and personal that many of us will lie through our teeth and deny abuse if we're not ready to disclose.
Even when faced with an outright question, if it ain't the right time and place, then we'll deny it ever happened to us.

Dave
 
I dont think he ever ask you that question, if it did not happen to him, and i cant be in his mind to say what he is thinking.

I have asked him outright if he was sexually abused. He says no. He says his ex was and could not get past it. Yes, he lies. I have caught him in lies and have never said anything.
Click to expand...
Asking him outright may have caused a negative response, like a knee jerk reaction.

Why not just find a good time to ask him, does he want to talk about the past? Its just that he is not ready maybe to share these things with you.

It may be difficult for him if you react the wrong way, that will be what he is thinkin. Its not easy, but not impossible. Maybe you offer to go to a therapist with him.

SA causes boys to live the life long lie, they tend to think that nobody could ever be in the hurt that they went through, and it is a hard barrier to break down.

I hope it works out for you both,

ste
 
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