Open letters
A workbook I have said to write letters to your abusers that you know you won't mail, yet express your anger in them. Well, here's a couple to my brother Robert (sexual abuser) and my father (physical abuser). They're pretty raw, like my nerves after writing them tonight, but felt good to get some of this crap out.
Robert,
We were born brothers, but our relationship has been anything but that to me for most of my life. I have finally come to realize that you are a user, using people when it suits your purposes and never thinking of the consequences. When I was about 12, you made me your girlfriend. I cannot tell you how repugnant it is to me to write this now. Can you say it? Can you say that you had sex with your younger brother? How does it feel when you say it? Disgusting? You knew I had no idea what you were doing when you started this, but still you preyed on me and made me your victim. I looked up to you before you began doing that, you and Tim were my older brothers. What younger brother wouldnt look up to his older brothers? Yet you betrayed the trust I had in you so horribly. Have you told anyone about your conquest? I doubt it, because youre still the same idiot youve been all your life.
Not content with depriving me of a normal sexualization, you again choose to victimize me later in life. I married at 18 to get out of our fathers house away from him, you, everyone. Yet you choose to have an affair with my wife, Cheryl, after we were only married 2 years. Again, you are a user of the worst kind. You lied to her and told her I was having an affair. Liar! Youre such an idiot you defy definition. You never stop to think of the pain and suffering you cause in other peoples lives.
You destroyed my marriage to Cheryl and I divorced her. How did this make you feel? Triumphant? Was that your goal? I didnt speak to you for 2 years afterwards and if I had of had any sense then, I should have cut my relationship with you forever. But Im weak, and seeing the strain on Momma that this was causing, I forgave. Did you ever say you were sorry? No. I guess it was beneath you.
And did you learn your lesson from any of the above? No. Hell, no. You continued affairs, with your new girlfriend, Sharon. You used me (yes, again, you are a user) by having her call me to set up your secret meetings away from Renea meeting Sharon at my house, leaving your car there and going off together in her car to do what I dont even want to know. Renea wasnt as stupid of a wife as you think she was she knew. Again, you dont ever stop to think or comprehend the hurt you cause others. Did you not even once think how grossly insensitive this was to me? As though you were saying that the affair with Cheryl and the repercussions from that were meaningless to you. But youre too stupid to even begin to comprehend how I felt. Why did I participate in this, calling you, making myself part of the betrayal as well? Did you get off on that too? I guess because Im weak and stupid, I guess. It goes back to the crap of childhood and not being able to say No to you or Daddy about anything.
Youve done enough damage to me for a lifetime, let alone the others involved. Do you wonder why I dont return your calls any more and am always out when you call. Its because I cant contain my rage at you any longer. Why now, you ask? This was all 20-30 years ago. Guess Im a little slow. Maybe its taken me that long to realize what a real imbecile and user you are. Im just thankful now that I didnt follow through on killing myself all the times I considered it. Youre certainly not worth it.
Dont call me any more, Ill call you if and when I think I can take talking to you again. Youve destroyed me in so many ways.
Eddie
Daddy,
It seems strange calling you that, although Ive done it all my life. You may seem shocked at what follows here, but this has been building in me from my earliest days as a child. A father where was my father all my life? I have no happy memories with you none, zero. You never did any normal childhood things with me never even talked to me, except to tell me to do something or what Id done wrong. Why couldnt you simply talk to me for Gods sake Im your child! I cant remember you ever saying ONE thing to me that wasnt harsh. Can you even comprehend what thats like?
For some reason, you felt that to correct me, you needed to abuse me and beat the shit out of me until I couldnt stand any longer, and then some. This, to a child of 5 or 6 years old and onwards. Probably earlier as well, but I have no memories of it (of which Im thankful). Why the rage? Why? Why did you feel like you needed to try to come so close to killing me? I know you didnt want me from the day I was born and that you wanted a girl instead, is that it? Was I really that disappointing? I tried to make you love me. I did so well in school, always getting As, excelling at everything, but nothing was ever worth a mention from you. I guess you were always too drunk to notice. You should have named me Michelob or Seagrams instead.
I have two daughters now. I cannot even begin to understand how you did the things you did to me, when I think of what beautiful gifts they are from God to me. How could you put me in the dark bathroom, begging, crying to be let out? I still have horrors from that which will follow me to my grave, all because of some twisted thinking in your warped mind.
You and Momma gave away my dog when I was 8. Gidget, the only thing I had that loved me, and you got rid of her like she was the weeks garbage. Thats typical for you, you dont care how you hurt me, you dont give a damn about what you did, youre probably thinking you did a good job raising us and that we ought to be glad we didnt get worse. Well, listen up, old man, you were a terrible father, period. Your dog died a couple of months ago and it was all I could do to bite my lip when you got all weepy over it man I wanted to dance on that dogs grave. Now you know how it feels.
You still choose to treat me as a child to this day, yet Im 43 now. I dont have to take your crap any more, and Im not going to. If you think you can treat me as an adult, then maybe, MAYBE someday we can have some kind of relationship again, but for now I cringe at the thought of being around you. We have nothing in common, we cant carry a conversation for more that 2 minutes, and thats usually about the weather. I feel pity for you, a wasted life and a man who will go out loved by few.
Eddie
Robert,
We were born brothers, but our relationship has been anything but that to me for most of my life. I have finally come to realize that you are a user, using people when it suits your purposes and never thinking of the consequences. When I was about 12, you made me your girlfriend. I cannot tell you how repugnant it is to me to write this now. Can you say it? Can you say that you had sex with your younger brother? How does it feel when you say it? Disgusting? You knew I had no idea what you were doing when you started this, but still you preyed on me and made me your victim. I looked up to you before you began doing that, you and Tim were my older brothers. What younger brother wouldnt look up to his older brothers? Yet you betrayed the trust I had in you so horribly. Have you told anyone about your conquest? I doubt it, because youre still the same idiot youve been all your life.
Not content with depriving me of a normal sexualization, you again choose to victimize me later in life. I married at 18 to get out of our fathers house away from him, you, everyone. Yet you choose to have an affair with my wife, Cheryl, after we were only married 2 years. Again, you are a user of the worst kind. You lied to her and told her I was having an affair. Liar! Youre such an idiot you defy definition. You never stop to think of the pain and suffering you cause in other peoples lives.
You destroyed my marriage to Cheryl and I divorced her. How did this make you feel? Triumphant? Was that your goal? I didnt speak to you for 2 years afterwards and if I had of had any sense then, I should have cut my relationship with you forever. But Im weak, and seeing the strain on Momma that this was causing, I forgave. Did you ever say you were sorry? No. I guess it was beneath you.
And did you learn your lesson from any of the above? No. Hell, no. You continued affairs, with your new girlfriend, Sharon. You used me (yes, again, you are a user) by having her call me to set up your secret meetings away from Renea meeting Sharon at my house, leaving your car there and going off together in her car to do what I dont even want to know. Renea wasnt as stupid of a wife as you think she was she knew. Again, you dont ever stop to think or comprehend the hurt you cause others. Did you not even once think how grossly insensitive this was to me? As though you were saying that the affair with Cheryl and the repercussions from that were meaningless to you. But youre too stupid to even begin to comprehend how I felt. Why did I participate in this, calling you, making myself part of the betrayal as well? Did you get off on that too? I guess because Im weak and stupid, I guess. It goes back to the crap of childhood and not being able to say No to you or Daddy about anything.
Youve done enough damage to me for a lifetime, let alone the others involved. Do you wonder why I dont return your calls any more and am always out when you call. Its because I cant contain my rage at you any longer. Why now, you ask? This was all 20-30 years ago. Guess Im a little slow. Maybe its taken me that long to realize what a real imbecile and user you are. Im just thankful now that I didnt follow through on killing myself all the times I considered it. Youre certainly not worth it.
Dont call me any more, Ill call you if and when I think I can take talking to you again. Youve destroyed me in so many ways.
Eddie
Daddy,
It seems strange calling you that, although Ive done it all my life. You may seem shocked at what follows here, but this has been building in me from my earliest days as a child. A father where was my father all my life? I have no happy memories with you none, zero. You never did any normal childhood things with me never even talked to me, except to tell me to do something or what Id done wrong. Why couldnt you simply talk to me for Gods sake Im your child! I cant remember you ever saying ONE thing to me that wasnt harsh. Can you even comprehend what thats like?
For some reason, you felt that to correct me, you needed to abuse me and beat the shit out of me until I couldnt stand any longer, and then some. This, to a child of 5 or 6 years old and onwards. Probably earlier as well, but I have no memories of it (of which Im thankful). Why the rage? Why? Why did you feel like you needed to try to come so close to killing me? I know you didnt want me from the day I was born and that you wanted a girl instead, is that it? Was I really that disappointing? I tried to make you love me. I did so well in school, always getting As, excelling at everything, but nothing was ever worth a mention from you. I guess you were always too drunk to notice. You should have named me Michelob or Seagrams instead.
I have two daughters now. I cannot even begin to understand how you did the things you did to me, when I think of what beautiful gifts they are from God to me. How could you put me in the dark bathroom, begging, crying to be let out? I still have horrors from that which will follow me to my grave, all because of some twisted thinking in your warped mind.
You and Momma gave away my dog when I was 8. Gidget, the only thing I had that loved me, and you got rid of her like she was the weeks garbage. Thats typical for you, you dont care how you hurt me, you dont give a damn about what you did, youre probably thinking you did a good job raising us and that we ought to be glad we didnt get worse. Well, listen up, old man, you were a terrible father, period. Your dog died a couple of months ago and it was all I could do to bite my lip when you got all weepy over it man I wanted to dance on that dogs grave. Now you know how it feels.
You still choose to treat me as a child to this day, yet Im 43 now. I dont have to take your crap any more, and Im not going to. If you think you can treat me as an adult, then maybe, MAYBE someday we can have some kind of relationship again, but for now I cringe at the thought of being around you. We have nothing in common, we cant carry a conversation for more that 2 minutes, and thats usually about the weather. I feel pity for you, a wasted life and a man who will go out loved by few.
Eddie