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johndoe

Registrant
Every time i read posts on this site, it is like it is written for me. All of these feelings - frustration, phobias, confusion, anger, melancholy, and issues expressed here - I can completely relate to.

I am very happily married to a fantastic woman, but struggle constantly with SSA. All of this can be traced back to CSA that started when I was 11, - thanks to this website for bringing that to light.

At least I now know why I am terrified of social situations, have low self esteem, and am hyper-sexual.

Thank you to those who run and participate on this board for helping me sort this out - even if the advice was for someone else in most cases. I never knew why I have these feelings/problems. I am grateful for the help.

-JD
 

payne

Registrant
This topic is perfect for me in that it deals with where I am and what I'm coming to terms with.

My mother left my dad when I was 4 because as my dad put it, she did not want me to grow up to be an all American boy, whatever that mean. She made sure that he did not have much contact with me and we never got all that close.

Mom and I went to live with her mom in a huge 2 story house in which we lived upstairs. I remember the 5th grade when I hit puberty at age 10, saw my first Playboy magazine and started really noticing mom's breasts particularly when she went around the house with pants and a top on but no bra. Long story short, she took advantage of my noticing her breasts and one thing led to another.

Mom really did not want a son which she told me and I got the message for when she got mad she would dress me up in girl's panties. When she got really angry, she would make me wear a bra that she stuffed with left over cotton that came from her mother's cotton farm.

The next year, my mom married a man whom I never bounded with and whose son led me into male oral sex. Mom continued her very strong attachment to me. I told her near the end of high school one day shouting "look you are married now, let go of me!" Basically, she married my step-dad to get out of that small town.

All of this contributed to being so anxious around women that I didn't date in high school, college or in graduate school. However, I look at all sorts of porn, when to topless and strip clubs, and some massage parlors. I felt the need to tell mom what I was doing and she thought all of that was fine and said if I ever needed some extra cash for such entertainment that she would give me some.

In my early thirties, I met and married the first and only woman that I ever felt comfortable with. Several years later, I randomly mentioned on the phone that I had found looking at muscular nude men to be very enjoyable. Her only reply was to say, that's fine if that makes you happy.

It was not long before I bought my wife a realistic vibrator, but really, I bought it for me. We enjoyed it together on the anniversary that I bought it for. She was comfortable with that which was good. The next anniversary, I bought her a dildo with strap for she had told me beforehand that she once told a therapist that she wanted a certain male part.

My wife and enjoyed that orally on our anniversary. After some time though, she said that she was wondering if I wished she has a real male part. I told her no, but that was not really the truth. She told me that I could suck all of the vibrators and dildos that I wanted to as long as I did not suck the real thing.

I was finding shemale porn and bisexual porn more and more of a turn on as this part of my sexuality came more and more to the surface. As it did, I told my therapist that I sometimes wished that I was a girl with big breasts and ordered some fake ones for me which I didn't keep too long and my wife never knew about.

I think that I understand how I got here, but I'm not so sure that I'm entirely comfortable with where I am.

I've tried to write this as compact yet complete as I could without going into extreme detail. I look forward to hearing someone reply to all of this.
 

JamesM

Registrant
I was introduced to sex by my father by the time I was 6. I was not afraid of him and was cooperative with masturbating him and being relaxed when he penetrated me. I think that deep anal penetration came later, but I am not sure.

Is it possible that when I was 9 and was restrained and regularly penetrated orally over 2 - 3 months by a 15 year old boy to have dissociated from the experience and not to have thought of it for many years?

Additionally, could this have made me afraid of penises in general? When I was 11 I knew that I was male, but I did not feel part of the male group I should have belonged to.

I had a lot of problems around male peers and males in general in terms of anxiety and feeling different, along with feeling ashamed and had great difficulty socializing in groups.

Around males, especially ones resembling my teenage abuser, I would have very great difficulty. Sometimes I would daydream and other times I would have a flashback or I would think I was going to have an erection. I remember coming out of a reverie in the changing rooms when I was about 12 and becoming aware that I was staring at another boy's penis. Both the boy and his penis seemed to remind me of something.
 

Tom E.

Registrant
I can relate to feeling that shame, feeling different, and looking at other boys in showers after gym not realizing that this was not acceptable behavior at first.
 

Hoping

Registrant
This is from my book (in progress so please don't reprint it):

What if I think about penises a lot? Does that mean Im gay? Not necessarily. The man described above associated sexual pleasure with his mothers (and later his partners) legs, shoes and feet. If a boy experiences powerful sexual feeling while sucking his abusers penis, or having his own penis licked, or touching or being touched on the penis, he may make a similar connection. In addition, as teenagers discovering masturbation, we reinforce the pleasurable feelings with the sight and feel of our own penises. So, with a normal (that is, non-abusive) sexual history, we will have a neutral to good association with penises. Our penis can make us feel good, powerful, and alleviate boredom.

But when the sexual feelings are forced, unwanted, confusing, even painful, the association with the penis can be contaminated. Some men hate their penis because it betrayed them by getting erect in an abusive situation. Because the male abuser, particularly when there are negative feelings towards him, has a penis, some survivors may associate the penis with the hurt, betrayal, pain, humiliation, shame, and guilt from the abuse. Think of the confusion one might feel from having these negative emotions about the abuse or abuser, and trying to feel good about ones sexuality and penis.

One important consideration is to look at why you desire to act out sexually with other men. If the acts are reenactments of your abuse, it may be because the trauma is still unresolved and the sex is a way of returning to the trauma, perhaps hoping on an unconscious level, that this time you are not the helpless one. It may also be that you have been taught or conditioned that doing this behavior will bring closeness, acceptance or some other emotional need that you may not have in your life at the moment.


Ken
Ken, this brings up an interesting thought of my wanting some emotional connection because my parents were emotionally unavailable. Although my parents were maybe distracted due to medical problems leading to the early death of father and another to a brother. I felt pushed aside. Abusers are crafty predators. Mine noted my situation and pursued me when I was only 6 years old. So, as an adult my dilemma is if I was imprinted at an early age and disoriented how can I be re-oriented? Is it even possible? How as a spiritual believing person do I address my imprinting. How can one repent when triggered ( I act out by viewing porn). So confusing.
 
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