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tristanfree

New Registrant
Dave---You just described my life. Wow. Very similar experience. The only difference is I opted to avoid marriage, as it never felt safe for me to be intimate with any woman. Just last year I recovered my repressed memories of sexual abuse by my mother, a few months after her death (which I now understand was the triggering event for my memories to return). I have long struggled with sexual identity issues--feeling drawn to men at times but knowing deep down that I am not gay. Now, at last, it's all beginning to make sense.

Just wanted to let you know you're not alone in your experience, or in having to deal with the effects.

Tristan

p.s.--I'm now in therapy, and doing EMDR (to help get past my PTSD issues related to feminine affection), and practicing engaging with men in various situations as "one of them" rather than seeing myself as an alien in their midst. I have a long way to go yet, but I can tell it's working.
 

Sterling

Registrant
I HATE GOING IN THE SHOWER! I JUST DO! MY CATALYST , IN
MOVING TO THE CITY IN WHICH I LIVE SAID TO ME IN REGARDING
ABOUT SHOWERING WITH OTHER MEN " BUT THE CONFIDENCE".
YEAH, WHAT CONFIDENCE? IT HAS BEEN OVER 12 YEARS AND I FEEL
SO SHAMEFUL. EVERY GUY HAS A NORMAL YOU KNOW WHAT, AND I WELL
DON'T! I ALWAYS FELT SO INADEQUATE. WORRIED IF PEOPLE WOULD
LAUGH AT ME. SORRY, I AM GOIN ALL OUT HERE.
ANYWAY, THANKS FOR ALLOWING ME TO FEEL MY FEELINGS!
STERLING
 

Sterling

Registrant
ALL MY LIFE I WANTED TO BE A BOY! I AM 36 NOW , AND
HAVE NEVER FELT UP A GIRL! I ALWAYS WAS SCARED OF
A WOMAN. I WAS ALWAYS OBSSESED WITH MEN AND CONFUSED
" WHO AM I, AM I QUEER"?
I WAS TERRIFED IN HIGH SCHOOL. I HATED THE BOYS
CHANGE ROOM. I WAS ADDICTED TO THINKING SICK
STUFF. I NEVER FELT I COULD TALK TO ANYONE.
WHERE WAS MY DAD? WHAT A MORON, HE WAS!
I HAVE A FRIEND NOW. UNFORTANETLY HE HAS SOME
CHALLENGES WHEN IT COMES TO INTIMACY WITH FEMALES
AS WELL! WHY DO WE HAVE TO ENDURE THIS CRAP?
I DON'T LIKE ME . I WISH I NEVER KNEW MY DAD'S
FAMILY. I ONLY SCRIBE . I AM TAKING ADULT ENGLISH
AT THE MOMENT, I DUNNO MAYBE HOPING I CAN WRITE
SOMETHING SOME-DAY. I LOVE PEOPLE! ESPECIALLY
WHEN THEY ARE GOOD WITH KIDS AND GENUINE. MY
MOM BEAT ME. MY SIBLING AND MY DAD'S NEICES
TAUNTED ME, WHILE GROWING UP. I DIDN'T KNOW
WHO TO TRUST,WHERE TO GO? THE SHOWER? I HAVE
HAD SOME UNCOMFORTABLE LOOKS. SOMETIMES I
WISH I WOULD HAVE KILLED MY DAD. HE IS OKAY!
HE IS DOWNSTAIRS WATHCING NEWS; LIKE HE DID
ALL MY LIFE! I WAS SCARED OF HIM AND HIS
BROTHER ALL MY LIFE DEVELOPING SCHIZOAFFECTIVE
DISORDER. THEY ARE ALL FREAKS! THAT IS WHY
I CALL WHO MY FAMILY, A COUPLE OF PEOPLE
HERE IN THIS PLACE WHERE I LIVE AND MY THERAPIST
WHO DOESN'T LIVE HERE. ( WE CONDUCT THERAPY OVER
THE PHONE). WELL, OFF MY CHEST.
THANKYOU!
STERLING
 
Welcome Sterling!

I am sorry you had a messed-up childhood.

Now that you are older, you can do better for yourself. I see that in what you shared, that you have a strong desire to improve.

This is the place that can start to happen. we all have problems that come from being abused. We are learning to work through those problems and make life better day by day.

Jamie
 

Liam

Registrant
As a boy growing up - being sexually molested by a man - twelfe years older than i were at the time - i developed some deep emotional bonds with my abuser. The abuse stretched over about 8 years and much happened in that time. Some i remember to place and smell and age and some i still cannot recall. I have been told by my therapist that i struggle with sexual trauma and this is still rooted in my childhood sexual abuse as well. At times i am glad i dont remember it all but it seems to affect me still. I am also sexually confused. Since i developed some intense emotions and feelings for my molester i grew up imagining us settling down. I dreamed that we would buy a house - settle in and live happily ever after. At the age of eight i told him how much i loved him and made him cards etc. He played his role so well. At times to well. He were'nt all abusive and he did not physically abuse me until he raped me at age 11. Before that i lived in a very confused idillic state and after the rape all hell broke loose. Mostly from inside me and the moment i were close to thirteen he moved on to someone else. In fact years later i found out that he moved on from his own brother - who were adopted and four years older than i were to me. So long story short. I still dream that he rapes me. Not all the time but it still happens. I still suffer from nightmares as well. In my dreams he is like a boogyman and nothing is left of the tender man i once knew as a kid. The other thing that bothers me is that i still dream that i have sexu with men. At times in my dreams i want and desire it and at other times i am being raped and it feels like hell. In the latter i have hardly any control and i cant wait to wake up for i bite my cheeks and grind down my teeth. Yes i am sleeping with a mouthguard now but much damage has been done. So in my dreams i am above average a gay man - or so i understand. I am sexually confused as well lean much towards gay but then again i have very few dreams since i were a boy where i would make love to a women. I do have those and yes i do enjoy them as well but they are much fewer than the gay ones and by far outnumbered. My whole life since i can remember i have sex or sexual contact with men in my dreams and only in my teens did the idea of women enter the scene. This off course still causes me much guilt for i have been engaged before to a women and i would still dream at night that i were with a man or being raped by a man. So i did a bunch of stupid things in the past and even hurt myself much but with therapy i really am stepping forward in many areas of my life. I also dont blame myself for my dreams or my penis attractions anymore but do want to know if i will have this confusion till the day i die. Will i still suffer these dreams? Is this even something one can move away from? Would love to know.
 

wayne9

Registrant
Liam, I am sorry for what you have been and are going through. We all here at MS have very different stories but are all connected to CSA. Something you said that you are having problems with.....biting your cheeks and grinding your teeth. For years I have had a problem with my lower lip. It seemed to never get well. Always looked like I had a fever blister either starting or maybe just now getting better. I was always self-concuss about it, thought people was always looking at it wondering what it was. Just lately I started waking up bleeding from my lip most every morning. Come to find out the problem is me biting my lip in my sleep. Its been happening for years. Just gotten worse lately. After reading what you said it makes me wonder is it possible I am having bad dreams and don't recall them. Anyone ever heard if this is possible?

Tim
 

Liam

Registrant
I think it is possible. For years growing up i did it and i did not always have nightmares to accompany them. Or maybe like you said - we cant recall them.
 

lee55

Registrant
constantly fight these thoughts and desires. wish i knew why. wonder if i was somewhat feminized when abused by older cousin.
was made to feel appreciated by what he had me do at age 7. these thoughts cause much guilt in marriage. Have never acted on this but do enjoy chatting with others on line
 
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Dexter

Registrant
My God. You have put into words what I have felt for my whole life but could not explain. My mother was my main perp, and my father lived in the same house but was invisible. I had to be all and do whatever to make her happy . My actions in the aftermath areidenticle as well as the confusion. Wanting the male closeness and willing to do whatever to gain it. Then feeling guilty as hell afterwards. So glad to know that I am not the only one that felt/feels this confusion and lack of identity. I'm still not sure who or what I am and sometimes feel I may never really know for sure. Almost 40 years into a marriage that I feel good in, but still have this craving that I struggle with all the time. Thanks for helping me understand myself.
 

Dexter

Registrant
Ok, here goes. I have been approached for sexual activity since I was a kid. from same age friends, ill show you mine you show me yours. Which I think was innocent- age 5-6. to grade school where an older cousin introduced me to masterbation and oral sex I was 8 he was 15-16. This relationship is my issue rite now. Raped at knifepoint at 21 and was married- never told. Married at 20 but acted out with guys from 10 until about 3 weeks ago at 58. Oh, and molested by my mother from 5-13. so women never seemed safe. men, safeR, and the only male attention i ever received. At 59 still confused. Love my wife, 3 amazing kids. bye now sure who i am. is it a real male attraction, compulsion for the 15 minutes of control/contact. Don't want to leave my wife to live a gay life. but occasionally need to have the familiarity of being with a guy. Having REAL trouble around the cousin relationship We still speak but there has been no physical stuff in 30+ years. Don't know who or what the fuck i am and can't find a shrink in my area until May. no new patients. WTF?
 

Avery46

Registrant
Dexter said:
Ok, here goes. I have been approached for sexual activity since I was a kid. from same age friends, ill show you mine you show me yours. Which I think was innocent- age 5-6. to grade school where an older cousin introduced me to masterbation and oral sex I was 8 he was 15-16. This relationship is my issue rite now. Raped at knifepoint at 21 and was married- never told. Married at 20 but acted out with guys from 10 until about 3 weeks ago at 58. Oh, and molested by my mother from 5-13. so women never seemed safe. men, safeR, and the only male attention i ever received. At 59 still confused. Love my wife, 3 amazing kids. bye now sure who i am. is it a real male attraction, compulsion for the 15 minutes of control/contact. Don't want to leave my wife to live a gay life. but occasionally need to have the familiarity of being with a guy. Having REAL trouble around the cousin relationship We still speak but there has been no physical stuff in 30+ years. Don't know who or what the fuck i am and can't find a shrink in my area until May. no new patients. WTF?
I thought for a moment that I was reading something, I wrote. Fascinating how that happens. I can really relate to what your saying. I too was abused by my mother. I was abused by my male cousin. Hmmmm...at nearly the same ages as you were.

One of the big differences is: I left my wife 20 years ago to live out my same sex attractions (SSA). I will get into trouble for saying this but, it is my story. I thought the SSA meant I was gay.

I am learning to express my feelings AND I am speaking up about my need for male contact (non-sexual). I have been in intensive therapy for the abuse issues.

Anyway, just saying that I can relate.

Peace,
Avery
 

Kryptic

Registrant
"I feel most comfortable with a woman, I still have strong homosexual fantasies. At times I am
accepting of how this is how my life played itself out, but there are other times when I'm emotionally unbalanced and things seem to feel out of control."

...that's exactly how I feel Roderick; you're not alone.
 
Hi Ken,

I'm struggling with my sexual identity, and I decided to read all the post on this topic. I've been married for 9 years, and have 3 wonderful kids. For tha lst year, I can't have any sex with my wife. I don't feel aroused, and I'm having troubl getting turned on. I did have sex with a man, and I don't feel ashame anymore, but I did feel comfortable wih him(this didn't happened before with other experineces I've had with men). These last days, I've been thinking on leaving my wife. Because I felt comfortable(emotionaly attached) with this guy, does it mean I'm gay, or confused? Do you think I can still work my issues to be with my wife? I don'tknow what to do, and I don't want to regret my final decision.
 

crockybr

Registrant
Thank you Larry, your words are most helpful!
Ive spent 40 years in dark silence. Im now 46. Ive been able to breath again just knowing that I am not alone.
I am happylly married, but have always had sexual attraction to older men, father and grandfather figures. This has led to greater pain and shame. Human sexuality is very complex and our sexuality cannot be defined by one or a few experiences and fantasies.
 

On The Fringe

Registrant
I wondered why is was hyper sexual as a kid. Memories of things came back and it is obvious now.

I had to explore strange thoughts that I wondered how they got in my head. Like I know about this and want it... But I have never done it.... Or have I? Then memories stared coming back.

Perspective. I am happy now with me. Warts and all. I just try and let my wife be every fantasy I have. She is happy and willing.

I think we underestimate how much we are loved, since we often struggle to love ourselves.

Peace
 

Garf

Registrant
Garf here. I have a lot of issues but I think my sexual identity bothers me most of all. I can kind of envision the outcome of most of my problems, but I have no clue about this one.

I just read through the postings on this thread. I believe I saw that SSA is not necessarily the same thing as being gay. Can someone please explain? Perhaps, but not likely, I am SSA rather than gay. My abuse was by a female, not a male.

Anyone want to take a gander at what I am, other than a freak? I am strongly attracted sexually to men - for the sex and to be cared for emotionally by another man. I cannot imagine living a gay lifestyle though. I just, sorry to be so blunt, want to have a secret ongoing sexual and emotional relationship with another guy. Nonetheless, I do not act on any of these feelings. They are just my obsession.

My past, the abuse and encounters, surfaced after the death of my wife. The depression is bad. After going to a grief group for about a year, I started therapy a few weeks ago and am now taking an anti-depressant. Therapy seems to center on accepting and loving and nurturing myself. I suppose if this were possible, my orientation would not matter. I would be happy for whoever or whatever I am.

Men really have these issues? Men really talk about them? Men really accept other deviants and pervs? Men who were abused really get better? Men who hate themselves can change? Men can be healed, regardless of their age?

Any thoughts or suggestions are much appreciated. I am in awe of you all who can admit and deal with these things. Thank you and take care.
 

Obi

Registrant
Garf,

first off, you are not a freak. I'll repeat, NOT a freak!

you are human. A lot of survivors struggle with this. Heck, a lot of people who haven't even been abused struggle with it.

second, as it gets said often, labels are for cans. You are a good person that went through a horrible experience. Don't let it define who you are. Be who you are on the inside.
 
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