Open for business

Dave my experience is very different from yours but the end result sounds like it was the same. I longed for a male identity whatever that meant. I had no real male role model and I grew up desperately wanting to be male but thought that sex was the way to get close to males. I was attracted to straight looking/acting guys and wanted to be like them and it all got messed up once we became friends. It took a long time for me to figure it out but for me what I came to is that I am attracted to men but it is the male type that I want. I am not really interested in the sex. It is being close and being accepted as another man that I really want. I was prostituting my body for this vague idea of acceptance and approval. The affirmation that I too am a man and will be accepted as such. This of course is what I should have gotten from my dad but never did. It all got mixed up with sex and screwed the hell out of my sexual identity. I am much happier married to my wife now. Much happier being a father. and Much happier with Good male friends. Sadly it took 55 years to get here.
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Thanks for your feedback Freedom. I too did not have a strong male identity in the family - father had a stroke at age 40 and was left paralyzed on one side of his body. My mother had to look after him, she belittled him and I think that with my submissive behavior I became a surrogate husband at some level for her. It is interesting whenever I feel an urge to be with a male - it is very strong - I think that this is my libidinal energy raging to be accepted - and as you say it has nothing to do with the sex - but because it is male libidinal energy that is driving it - you get all confused - at least this is what I am thinking at the moment. When we do have these moments I think that it is important to ask ourselves what is it that we want to gain? We can go there - be confused, guilty, ashamed, depressed etc. - virtually an empty negative experience - but the deeper questions need to be answered - not am I gay or Bi but rather what are you looking to find or gain from the experience - there is always a perceived gain behind our actions - what is the perceived gain here? Being honest with oneself is difficult amidst all of the the confusion - but I find if I allow it in that I am seeking to connect with the male side of my being - the urgency and intensity seem to soften and abate - to me this is saying that the deeper me is looking to connect with the other half of my being - interesting but confusing - cheers D
That last paragraph really spoke to me. I have realized over the years that my acting out with males in my opinion, was indeed a way of returning to the trauma. Hoping to control it and understand it. Hoping to find in it what ever it was that I was hoping for which I think was to connect with my father on some level that I was denied in other means. I am no longer acting out with other males in my life and have a few good friends now but still no one close and I wonder if I will ever have a close male friend that will meet that need now that it is no longer sexual in its manifestation.



I think you have garnered a lot of respect and trust among a vast number of men here at M.S. I certainly would like you to know you have mine. You might find this strange but; it's taken me a great many years to finally step out of my safety zone. And perhaps for the first time in my life I can confidently admit that I could honestly sit down and converse with you face to face for hours about my past. This admission does not come easy for me. Not in the least. I've struggled for three long arduous decades trying to find my identity. Gang-rape in the most brutal of circumstances has played immense havoc on this search for my identity most of my life.

Some people may oddly question how the hell does a six foot three, 250lb stature of a man who was been heterosexual in the strictest sense become Androphobic and adopt an Asexual personality into his psyche ?
Not something I could easily explain in a simple paragraph.
I appreciate you opening this thread and wish you success in your new book.
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Re; the book, I heard a couple days ago that the potential publisher I would most like to have involvement with is looking at it today. I will let everyone know when it is accepted. Thanks for the compliments and I hope things work out with you. If you ever move down here, I'd love to work with you.
i don't know guys, for myself, the tendency to label ourselves as sexually one way or the other seems to be attempt to adjust ourselves to our duly assigned social roles. sexuality is mercurial, not an either/or issue. we may well lie closer to one end of the spectrum or another, but my experience of sexuality is that it rails along a continuum between the two polarities.

again, here is an occasion to note how we attempt in this society to adjust ourselves according to the prevailing notion of who and how we 'should' be.

we keep trying to put ourselves into these boxes and end up driving ourselves crazy in the process.

that's what i gather for the time being.....



i was abused between the ages of 6 and 17yrs old, and after i had the courage to face my fears, i checked out "COURAGE TO HEAL",(for women),from the local library. i looked back in the other resources section and found a book called,VICTIMS NO LONGER,(for men). i ordered it,and it was delivered by u.s. mail, i didn't know what i was doing at that point, rushed home, tore the package open, and began a quest. i couldn't figure out what this question was,but i felt compelled to answer it...

and finally darkness turned into light after pouring through the pages,and taking notes along the way.

on the last page of this journal, i covered the page I AM NOT GAY,I FOUND THE ANSWER. and i, UNDERLINED IT THREE TIME'S.

for me this was a riddle i had to figure out before my healing could begin.

please be at peace with what you find. there is no shame. you are what you are.
i believe, there is no greater gift than knowing oneself.

Hi Brothers,
Well I had some thoughts about this while I was being abused, I remember "wrestling" with another boy while I was in a Catholic orphanage/home, we also played strip poker, we also took great interest in each others peinises. there were 55-60 boys there.
I remember me and my cousin (mutually) masturbating together and each other as kids, and maybe into other areas. It gave me some concern as to just which way I was heading, luckily this might just have been "kids stuff" "Boys stuff".


Thanks Ken,

This has been the toughest issue in my recovery. Been trying to let it go but I find that hard to do. I hate the just doesn't see to away.


There's an ambivalence when it comes to an abused man's sexuality. It's like everything we know about love, sex, intimacy and abuse get all tangled up.

I don't consider myself gay, straight or bi, but something is not hooking up right. The weird thing about this is that I hate being around other men because I don't meet the physical standards of what it means to be a man. But, I can have sex with one at the drop of a dime, even though I'm on automatic pilot during the encounter.

I hat this confusion with such a passion, I could burn a hole through through the Earth right now.


I'm not gay, I'm not bi, and I'm not a tranny. Not going to go in any of those directions ever. I "went gay" briefly when I was a teenager, and I found it repulsive. If anyone else likes it, hey- whatever floats your boat. I don't care. But I also found back when I was living in Laramie (was planning on going to U/WY) that if a woman hits up on you and gets physical with you, you can slap her down. But if a gay hits up on you, you literally have no defense. Something about the Matthew Shepard kid. So, I quit going out to town at night.


I belong here. Not sure if I'm straight (been attracted to females since I started puberty) or bi (have a gay, very effeminate male friend that I've had a crush on since the 9th grade, and these feelings towards very effeminate males has been growing for a couple years). Or am I just lonely and seeking love?
hi kingfred,

we all need love so there's no shame in that. i identify as 90% gay [if that's possible] and have been in 2 hetero relationships [where there was not really any sexual attraction -- only emotional ]. i have an attitude now, being a serial monogamist, that if i were to be in another relationship, i would have a 'love the one you're with' attitude, no matter whether the person was male or female. i don't rule anything out now, and i believe recovery has brought me to that point, which for me feels like healthy integration. but everyone has to find their own path. trying to label myself was not the right way for me. it may be for somebody else though. we're all different and my understanding is that sexuality isn't truly black and white.

warm regards, and welcome,



I am also new to this site, although in searching the internet for an 'outlet', if I may call it so, I came across this site browsed it and kept going at that time.

My google search brought me to this forum about sexual identity issues from my search for 'positive male behavioral reinforcement' and 'neediness in males'. I feel a lot of the same way you do... that lines that should have been distinct within their roles are now 'blurred'. The need of having a father was already an underlying issue for me before I had been seduced into sexual abuse. I needed the 'male' part of me that was weak to be strengthened/reinforced and it seemed that the embrace (even apart from it have a link sexually), the comfort, and the acceptance that all too many fathers even the 'male society' are too scared to give and display, it seemed that this is what I was receiving. However, I had to honestly take a step back to see if there was any selfishness involved in these acts; did the males from whom I was receiving these things have similar qualities as my abuser?

I have realized that I will be constantly attempting to cope in this aspect of my being; maybe not so much ridding myself of these insecurities, the hurt, the overall mental confusion at times but one thing that I take away from it which I see as a strength for me is that by attempting to cope, I am determined to not be hindered to love others unselfishly, in the way that is beneficial and promotes ones personality to flourish.