Dave my experience is very different from yours but the end result sounds like it was the same. I longed for a male identity whatever that meant. I had no real male role model and I grew up desperately wanting to be male but thought that sex was the way to get close to males. I was attracted to straight looking/acting guys and wanted to be like them and it all got messed up once we became friends. It took a long time for me to figure it out but for me what I came to is that I am attracted to men but it is the male type that I want. I am not really interested in the sex. It is being close and being accepted as another man that I really want. I was prostituting my body for this vague idea of acceptance and approval. The affirmation that I too am a man and will be accepted as such. This of course is what I should have gotten from my dad but never did. It all got mixed up with sex and screwed the hell out of my sexual identity. I am much happier married to my wife now. Much happier being a father. and Much happier with Good male friends. Sadly it took 55 years to get here.
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