oof... putting off this post

oof... putting off this post

pedropedro

Registrant
I just gotta post it. Lost too much sleep thinking how I'm gonna say it or if I should at all. But after all, this is not a creative writing class. This isn't a Masters thesis. It might be a long post though. I'm partly just looking to get it out, partly for reassurance, and partly for advice.

First, the good part: I haven't thought about suicide in months. I've starting to believe some good things about myself. I'm loyal, smart, and abnormally moral (I won't even hurt a fly..... LITERALLY).

But.....

I've seen posts on facebook with friends and contacts, all female, about how jokes about abuse of women during this Corona Virus thing are not funny. Of course they are right. But I have seen some of these same women post things joking about violence toward men and this isn't ok with me, obviously. I don't know how or IF I should say anything. I don't want to jeopardize both personal AND professional relationships.

I have also seen an article about the "crazy women" trope. But I think it is the perfect equivelant to the "toxic masculinity" trope. I've noticed people who post this (again, so far, only women), say all the men in their lives "don't get it" when they tell them how offensive it is. It doesn't matter how it's intended, but how it's received. I also think if someone remarks on an experience they are inherently incapable of EVER having and "corrects" the input from multiple people who literally know NO other experience their entire lives, are the ones who don't get it. It's not "politically correct" or "woke" or "enlightened". It's simply immaturity in most cases and often slides to wilfull ignorance and even bigotry. "Benevolent bigotry" perhaps, but in many ways that's even worse than overt bigotry.

I also continue to have issues about shame and guilt about fantasies and boundaries. I have so much male shame sometimes lately I can't feel my genitals. I think I'm selfish because I don't want to perform oral sex. If I see it in pornography, I almost vomit. I'm not gay, but I've found myself gravitating to gay porn when I use porn, which apparently is a whole thing: straight men who watch gay porn. I also feel guilty about my fantasize about felatio. For me it's not about humiliating or controling a woman, but about having my penis, and by extension, my masculinity, accepted, appreciated, and even honored. Sometimes I even think in order to be a good lover I am obligated to "avoid that temptation" by castrating myself. I'm not here to shame anyone's penis. If it's healthy, take pride in it and find beauty in it no matter what it is. Same goes for the rest of us btw, our bodies and otherwise. I'm afraid I might be obligated to put on 100 pounds to make it less big for her sake. Also I've see (controversial, contradicted) studies recommending circumcision to avoid spreading HPV. But I don't want to mutilate my body. I like my foreskin. I don't think I should have to remove a healthy organ/tissue to please others. Does that obligate me to be celibate for life?

On a positive note, I'm feeling more comfortable about other parts of myself, like my nerdiness and other parts of my body. I've had issues with weight, hairyness, and skin scars from a precancerous condition as a teenager. I feel better about those things now. Nerds are smart, and tbh I think we have more fun. Not insulting anyone else's interests though. I'm gradually, healthily losing weight and have started an exercise routine. The hair can be shaved if I want, but I don't have to. The scars merely show I survived those issues.

Thank you for listening. Glad I finally got it out of my chest and of course I'll be sharing this with my therapist during my appointment over Skype with him on Wednesday.
 
Thank you for sharing from your heart, Pedro. I get triggered by the child abuse-ish memes on Facebook. I just ignore them or ban the person for 30 days. Most don't realize they are being offensive.
 
Any sane woman isn't going to rate my worth on circumcision status. I value being uncircumcised and that's enough for me. I don't value anyone who places their expectations above my values. A reasonable compromise to the oral sex issue would simply be that I would respect her boundaries just as much as she respects this one of mine. I wouldn't want to make her uncomfortable. Even if I felt she were having sex with me (including giving me oral sex) out of obligation or fear, I don't think I could even get an erection! If she wants to suck me because she enjoys it or out of appreciation or love, great! But she won't expect me to lick her just because she enjoys it, knowing my boundaries. Any woman who would force me to get circumcised doesn't value me. She'd have a right to not sleep with me for this reason, as rediculous as it is, or to not date me, but her loss. My body is more than my penis, and my worth is more than my body. Beginning to see that "screwing" and "making love" aren't the same thing. A one night stand might care about these boundaries, but a relationship will respect them. A girlfriend might not be comfortable having her feet touched. Of course I will respect that because I LOVE HER. And if she loves me, she won't press me on cunnilingus. She would be in love with ME. I don't think any woman worth dating would reject me for my foreskin or for being large. I mean, yeah, some positions are going to be more practical than others, but it doesn't affect her ability to love me. Anyway sorry for the rant. Thanks!
 
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