oof... putting off this post
pedropedro
Registrant
I just gotta post it. Lost too much sleep thinking how I'm gonna say it or if I should at all. But after all, this is not a creative writing class. This isn't a Masters thesis. It might be a long post though. I'm partly just looking to get it out, partly for reassurance, and partly for advice.
First, the good part: I haven't thought about suicide in months. I've starting to believe some good things about myself. I'm loyal, smart, and abnormally moral (I won't even hurt a fly..... LITERALLY).
But.....
I've seen posts on facebook with friends and contacts, all female, about how jokes about abuse of women during this Corona Virus thing are not funny. Of course they are right. But I have seen some of these same women post things joking about violence toward men and this isn't ok with me, obviously. I don't know how or IF I should say anything. I don't want to jeopardize both personal AND professional relationships.
I have also seen an article about the "crazy women" trope. But I think it is the perfect equivelant to the "toxic masculinity" trope. I've noticed people who post this (again, so far, only women), say all the men in their lives "don't get it" when they tell them how offensive it is. It doesn't matter how it's intended, but how it's received. I also think if someone remarks on an experience they are inherently incapable of EVER having and "corrects" the input from multiple people who literally know NO other experience their entire lives, are the ones who don't get it. It's not "politically correct" or "woke" or "enlightened". It's simply immaturity in most cases and often slides to wilfull ignorance and even bigotry. "Benevolent bigotry" perhaps, but in many ways that's even worse than overt bigotry.
I also continue to have issues about shame and guilt about fantasies and boundaries. I have so much male shame sometimes lately I can't feel my genitals. I think I'm selfish because I don't want to perform oral sex. If I see it in pornography, I almost vomit. I'm not gay, but I've found myself gravitating to gay porn when I use porn, which apparently is a whole thing: straight men who watch gay porn. I also feel guilty about my fantasize about felatio. For me it's not about humiliating or controling a woman, but about having my penis, and by extension, my masculinity, accepted, appreciated, and even honored. Sometimes I even think in order to be a good lover I am obligated to "avoid that temptation" by castrating myself. I'm not here to shame anyone's penis. If it's healthy, take pride in it and find beauty in it no matter what it is. Same goes for the rest of us btw, our bodies and otherwise. I'm afraid I might be obligated to put on 100 pounds to make it less big for her sake. Also I've see (controversial, contradicted) studies recommending circumcision to avoid spreading HPV. But I don't want to mutilate my body. I like my foreskin. I don't think I should have to remove a healthy organ/tissue to please others. Does that obligate me to be celibate for life?
On a positive note, I'm feeling more comfortable about other parts of myself, like my nerdiness and other parts of my body. I've had issues with weight, hairyness, and skin scars from a precancerous condition as a teenager. I feel better about those things now. Nerds are smart, and tbh I think we have more fun. Not insulting anyone else's interests though. I'm gradually, healthily losing weight and have started an exercise routine. The hair can be shaved if I want, but I don't have to. The scars merely show I survived those issues.
Thank you for listening. Glad I finally got it out of my chest and of course I'll be sharing this with my therapist during my appointment over Skype with him on Wednesday.
First, the good part: I haven't thought about suicide in months. I've starting to believe some good things about myself. I'm loyal, smart, and abnormally moral (I won't even hurt a fly..... LITERALLY).
But.....
I've seen posts on facebook with friends and contacts, all female, about how jokes about abuse of women during this Corona Virus thing are not funny. Of course they are right. But I have seen some of these same women post things joking about violence toward men and this isn't ok with me, obviously. I don't know how or IF I should say anything. I don't want to jeopardize both personal AND professional relationships.
I have also seen an article about the "crazy women" trope. But I think it is the perfect equivelant to the "toxic masculinity" trope. I've noticed people who post this (again, so far, only women), say all the men in their lives "don't get it" when they tell them how offensive it is. It doesn't matter how it's intended, but how it's received. I also think if someone remarks on an experience they are inherently incapable of EVER having and "corrects" the input from multiple people who literally know NO other experience their entire lives, are the ones who don't get it. It's not "politically correct" or "woke" or "enlightened". It's simply immaturity in most cases and often slides to wilfull ignorance and even bigotry. "Benevolent bigotry" perhaps, but in many ways that's even worse than overt bigotry.
I also continue to have issues about shame and guilt about fantasies and boundaries. I have so much male shame sometimes lately I can't feel my genitals. I think I'm selfish because I don't want to perform oral sex. If I see it in pornography, I almost vomit. I'm not gay, but I've found myself gravitating to gay porn when I use porn, which apparently is a whole thing: straight men who watch gay porn. I also feel guilty about my fantasize about felatio. For me it's not about humiliating or controling a woman, but about having my penis, and by extension, my masculinity, accepted, appreciated, and even honored. Sometimes I even think in order to be a good lover I am obligated to "avoid that temptation" by castrating myself. I'm not here to shame anyone's penis. If it's healthy, take pride in it and find beauty in it no matter what it is. Same goes for the rest of us btw, our bodies and otherwise. I'm afraid I might be obligated to put on 100 pounds to make it less big for her sake. Also I've see (controversial, contradicted) studies recommending circumcision to avoid spreading HPV. But I don't want to mutilate my body. I like my foreskin. I don't think I should have to remove a healthy organ/tissue to please others. Does that obligate me to be celibate for life?
On a positive note, I'm feeling more comfortable about other parts of myself, like my nerdiness and other parts of my body. I've had issues with weight, hairyness, and skin scars from a precancerous condition as a teenager. I feel better about those things now. Nerds are smart, and tbh I think we have more fun. Not insulting anyone else's interests though. I'm gradually, healthily losing weight and have started an exercise routine. The hair can be shaved if I want, but I don't have to. The scars merely show I survived those issues.
Thank you for listening. Glad I finally got it out of my chest and of course I'll be sharing this with my therapist during my appointment over Skype with him on Wednesday.