ongoing journey
theo
Registrant
guys,
below is yesterday's journal entry. i am making progress and feel that this could help others. i have found that sharing part of my journey in this way helps me a great deal. there is the input from other brothers here that sheds new light on my thoughts, but there is also the knowledge that the sharing itself is a way to not only break the silence, but also to create a sense of safety that we are no longer alone. take care brothers.
***************
***************
2-24-050754hrsThursday
I am going to see if they can fax my transcript to begin with. I realized it was not a good idea for me to go all the way into Cincinnati in the condition I was in. last night I bought a six-pack thinking I had a couple left over. I did not have any from the previous night. I had a full twelve on a night when the next day I report in at early hour. No wonder I was so sick. I dont feel so disoriented this morning, due to the lesser quantity. I plan on instituting the changes this weekend. That means at least one or two more nights of drinking then hopefully no more to get drunk.
It will probably take me a while to get rid of all the bottles, unless my friend with a truck knows of a recycling center and would be willing to help me transport them. Otherwise, it will be a few weeks of parceling them out to the curb. I will be cleaning my home and tending to the blessing of it this weekend. If I can also dump the bottle collection then that would be great.
I do feel as though I am coming back. It is slow, and I am still struggling with the abuse, but I am getting there. My therapist validated the worth of the path of insights that I have taken but said there comes a time when it is not sufficient. I forget exactly how she put it, but it amounted to finding myself again and putting myself back on solid ground. Every night, I fight to not become Little Theo. This is not to silence him so much as it is to keep him what I thought to be safe from the isolation of the night. If I just suppressed him then he would not have to face it alone, we could face parts of it during the day and in the weekly sessions. The main component of healing is facing the terror and working through it. I know this, but Little Theo facing the night alone is not healing, it is terror. At this point, I know of no way to intervene because when the episodes are happening the adult that I am is nowhere to be found. It is Little Theo all by himself facing the attacks again and I cant step in as the adult because I am not there as the adult.
Facing this in sessions is different because I would be grounded through My therapist. Facing this alone at night means there is only the abuser and Little Theo. The only time I, the adult, can intervene, are the brief seconds of lucidity. It then degenerates back into the episode and Little Theo is alone again. Is there a way to intervene as the adult? Can I in some way set up a mechanism to where Little Theo would immediately be able to ground himself in the real present as opposed to the terror of the abuse? That is the real question. My strategy thus far has been to suppress the isolation, hence, Little Theo, through alcohol. Suppression is a valid, but temporary tool, even through alcohol. The point now is that the alcohol is becoming far more than a mere tool of suppression, it is becoming a way of life. As a temporary tool it works to bridge the gap between the total chaos of the debilitating effects of the bait regression, and the emerging order brought on by slow finding of self. The problem is that with alcohol having now such a central role in my life I am completely disabled in re-establishing the order I need for further recovery.
There is one valuable insight I brought away from the substance abuse sessions. It is the image of the drug attaining such an intimate role in the life of the one abusing it. That degree of intimacy has since far surpassed its assigned tool function and has taken over my life. That cannot stand. I was making great progress in finding myself again before the shattering effects of Lady Theos attempted suicide and the scene with the cop. Everything was ripped away that weekend and I was completely defenseless again. I have since been able to start putting the pieces back together again and now stand at a cusp point. Alcohol is no longer a tool. I am not protecting Little Theo anymore with suppression of the isolation. Alcohol has become my life. I seek solace in oblivion.
Alcohol is no longer a comfort, it is a noose. I dont know when that trap will spring, but I am facing something far worse in terms of long range effects. It is not so much that I feel worthy of taking my life back for myself, as it is I need to regain control for its sake. The alcohol has become the main burden I am carrying and the main impediment to my recovery as a human being. There are alternatives to alcohol. It was in the isolation and the debilitating chaos that I could see no way out. It was in that isolation that I could not see who I was becoming as a human being. The bait regression is receding and I am starting to see options again.
The two projected dates were a boon to my morale. They validated my humanity. They have proven that I am not really as isolated as the bait regression ordained. It is but a small part of my re-recovery from the latest setbacks, but it is a tangible one. The alcohol did not ground me, it rendered me incoherent. I, Little Theo, and Little Warrior need grounding sourced from within ourselves to recover from the hell of the abuse. As the adult, I must once more begin to rebuild the shattered bridges between us. I must reach out to them again and seek to embrace them as the part of me they are, that we are one.
There needs to be a way that Little Theo can see that he is not as isolated as the memories show him to be. I know that, for Little Theo, the memories are not memories but the current reality for him. If I can devise a way for him to find immediate ground during the episodes then I think it would be less terrifying and we can work through the integration of the memories together instead of Little Theo harboring them himself. The memories are clamoring to be heard. I know we must hear the screams. We can only find peace in truth and integrating them together. Little Theo protected all three of us by keeping the memories to himself, but he cant hold onto those memories anymore. We are gaining the strength to face these horrors together. We are finding each other again after the latest debacle. We stand once more and face the horizon together.
Did I really have a clear choice over the alcohol in the midst of the bait regression? I dont know. It doesnt seem as though I did. Oblivion was what I required because reality was too much to bear. Oblivion is not the horizon, though, it is its antithesis, and the horizon continued to call me forward, to call us forward. I was defenseless in the chaos. There is no solace in oblivion, just the isolation that so terrified Little Theo.
1043hrs
I am feeling more coherent than I have in a while. I really do need to stop the abuse. I feel the strength within me rising to the challenge and know that I will overcome this. The key is to make that ground for Little Theo for the night. I can see now that I do have alternatives to the pursuit of oblivion.
below is yesterday's journal entry. i am making progress and feel that this could help others. i have found that sharing part of my journey in this way helps me a great deal. there is the input from other brothers here that sheds new light on my thoughts, but there is also the knowledge that the sharing itself is a way to not only break the silence, but also to create a sense of safety that we are no longer alone. take care brothers.
***************
***************
2-24-050754hrsThursday
I am going to see if they can fax my transcript to begin with. I realized it was not a good idea for me to go all the way into Cincinnati in the condition I was in. last night I bought a six-pack thinking I had a couple left over. I did not have any from the previous night. I had a full twelve on a night when the next day I report in at early hour. No wonder I was so sick. I dont feel so disoriented this morning, due to the lesser quantity. I plan on instituting the changes this weekend. That means at least one or two more nights of drinking then hopefully no more to get drunk.
It will probably take me a while to get rid of all the bottles, unless my friend with a truck knows of a recycling center and would be willing to help me transport them. Otherwise, it will be a few weeks of parceling them out to the curb. I will be cleaning my home and tending to the blessing of it this weekend. If I can also dump the bottle collection then that would be great.
I do feel as though I am coming back. It is slow, and I am still struggling with the abuse, but I am getting there. My therapist validated the worth of the path of insights that I have taken but said there comes a time when it is not sufficient. I forget exactly how she put it, but it amounted to finding myself again and putting myself back on solid ground. Every night, I fight to not become Little Theo. This is not to silence him so much as it is to keep him what I thought to be safe from the isolation of the night. If I just suppressed him then he would not have to face it alone, we could face parts of it during the day and in the weekly sessions. The main component of healing is facing the terror and working through it. I know this, but Little Theo facing the night alone is not healing, it is terror. At this point, I know of no way to intervene because when the episodes are happening the adult that I am is nowhere to be found. It is Little Theo all by himself facing the attacks again and I cant step in as the adult because I am not there as the adult.
Facing this in sessions is different because I would be grounded through My therapist. Facing this alone at night means there is only the abuser and Little Theo. The only time I, the adult, can intervene, are the brief seconds of lucidity. It then degenerates back into the episode and Little Theo is alone again. Is there a way to intervene as the adult? Can I in some way set up a mechanism to where Little Theo would immediately be able to ground himself in the real present as opposed to the terror of the abuse? That is the real question. My strategy thus far has been to suppress the isolation, hence, Little Theo, through alcohol. Suppression is a valid, but temporary tool, even through alcohol. The point now is that the alcohol is becoming far more than a mere tool of suppression, it is becoming a way of life. As a temporary tool it works to bridge the gap between the total chaos of the debilitating effects of the bait regression, and the emerging order brought on by slow finding of self. The problem is that with alcohol having now such a central role in my life I am completely disabled in re-establishing the order I need for further recovery.
There is one valuable insight I brought away from the substance abuse sessions. It is the image of the drug attaining such an intimate role in the life of the one abusing it. That degree of intimacy has since far surpassed its assigned tool function and has taken over my life. That cannot stand. I was making great progress in finding myself again before the shattering effects of Lady Theos attempted suicide and the scene with the cop. Everything was ripped away that weekend and I was completely defenseless again. I have since been able to start putting the pieces back together again and now stand at a cusp point. Alcohol is no longer a tool. I am not protecting Little Theo anymore with suppression of the isolation. Alcohol has become my life. I seek solace in oblivion.
Alcohol is no longer a comfort, it is a noose. I dont know when that trap will spring, but I am facing something far worse in terms of long range effects. It is not so much that I feel worthy of taking my life back for myself, as it is I need to regain control for its sake. The alcohol has become the main burden I am carrying and the main impediment to my recovery as a human being. There are alternatives to alcohol. It was in the isolation and the debilitating chaos that I could see no way out. It was in that isolation that I could not see who I was becoming as a human being. The bait regression is receding and I am starting to see options again.
The two projected dates were a boon to my morale. They validated my humanity. They have proven that I am not really as isolated as the bait regression ordained. It is but a small part of my re-recovery from the latest setbacks, but it is a tangible one. The alcohol did not ground me, it rendered me incoherent. I, Little Theo, and Little Warrior need grounding sourced from within ourselves to recover from the hell of the abuse. As the adult, I must once more begin to rebuild the shattered bridges between us. I must reach out to them again and seek to embrace them as the part of me they are, that we are one.
There needs to be a way that Little Theo can see that he is not as isolated as the memories show him to be. I know that, for Little Theo, the memories are not memories but the current reality for him. If I can devise a way for him to find immediate ground during the episodes then I think it would be less terrifying and we can work through the integration of the memories together instead of Little Theo harboring them himself. The memories are clamoring to be heard. I know we must hear the screams. We can only find peace in truth and integrating them together. Little Theo protected all three of us by keeping the memories to himself, but he cant hold onto those memories anymore. We are gaining the strength to face these horrors together. We are finding each other again after the latest debacle. We stand once more and face the horizon together.
Did I really have a clear choice over the alcohol in the midst of the bait regression? I dont know. It doesnt seem as though I did. Oblivion was what I required because reality was too much to bear. Oblivion is not the horizon, though, it is its antithesis, and the horizon continued to call me forward, to call us forward. I was defenseless in the chaos. There is no solace in oblivion, just the isolation that so terrified Little Theo.
1043hrs
I am feeling more coherent than I have in a while. I really do need to stop the abuse. I feel the strength within me rising to the challenge and know that I will overcome this. The key is to make that ground for Little Theo for the night. I can see now that I do have alternatives to the pursuit of oblivion.