One year ago today.......

One year ago today.......
T

Trish4850

Exactly one year ago today was the worst day of my life. It was the day I discovered that my b/f had been acting out for the whole of our 4 year relationship. The devastation I felt consumed my whole being to point where I was in physical pain. Horrible, terrible things were said, by me to him in those next few weeks. I even went to his house one night after work and destroyed the beautiful garden I had planted, along with all the flowers in the window boxes; I smashed the ceramic flower pots and uprooted the potted trees; I even threw parts of the chiminea off the deck {it would have been the whole thing, but I couldnt lift it} The anger and hurt and pain were unbearable. I identified and communicated with some of the women he had met. I said words to them that I didnt think I was capable of. I had a need to destroy people and things because of what had been done to me. My beautiful, peaceful, love filled world had been turned inside out and I saw and felt nothing but hate and anger.

That changed when I was faced with the devastation that had been living inside my b/f, hidden from the world, hidden from me. I found this place on October 19th of last year. It saved my sanity and helped me to find the person that I am, not the horrid, awful, hate filled person I was in those first awful weeks. I just went back and re-read my first two posts and all of the responses I received. Thank you again, Larry, AuthenticMe, Bluebird, SAR, Tracy, Eddie, Wantstohelp and Dave. Without those initial responses, my life would be completely different today.

So where are we today? Hurting, but not as much, and working toward a better life. My b/f has terrible times, but he has good times too. He starting to see, sometimes through my eyes, that life can be good. Before, he would never have even tried to see beyond the warped beliefs that were put in his head. WE share much more true intimacy than before, WE are better. WE still have a great deal of work to do and a long way to go, but because HE is fighting with everything hes worth, and because HE is doing so much hard work, WE will be OK. Its really, really hard sometimes and I wont pretend to get it all the time and I sure dont profess to be at peace all the time, but I see hope and I feel love, so I believe.

ROCK ON...........Trish
 
Trish,

I would like to break everything in our house to show him I do not care about anything material, that I care about HIM. (Because he has hinted that I don't care for HIM). He had nothing when we met and now we have a nice living and it insults me that he thinks I'm w/ him for THAT.

I wonder...I understand why he would have feelings of shame/worthlessness and the acting out could only contribute to what a crummy husband he feels like. Could that be why he has ceased to say "I love you" to me? He says he does care deeply for me....it's almost like I think he can't stand rejection from me if I "knew who he really was" and so he goes ahead and withdraws his "I love yous" first. I think Larry alluded to that once before, that he wants to avoid the catastrophe of me deciding I don't love HIM because of what he's been up to and how he sees himself, so he'll stop saying it first. I honestly think he's so afraid of more hurt/rejection. I wish he knew that everything I've read on here makes me only have more compassion for him, even while I'm hurting from the infidelities (and I may have to work through that later by myself w/ a T for all I know). But I wish he knew that I do not love him any less for any of it.
 
Brokenhearted,

I wish I could say that I destroyed things to show him they don't mean anything - that wasn't my purpose. It was simply to destroy, as I felt I had been destroyed. I had brought those beautiful things into his life and I could take them away too - that was my very angry message.

I'm happy to report that today, a new garden has been built and planted and it's bigger and better than it was before. I look at it as being symbolic of us, that hopefully, we are bigger and better than before too. I know I am because no matter what happens with us, the things I've planted will stay.

As for your husband pulling away first, yes, that's classic and very possible. The best defense is a good offense is a credo that many survivors live by as a coping mechanism to ensure that they are never hurt again. How could they be if they walk first? It's a difficult barrier to break through.

ROCK ON........Trish
 
Trish, this brought tears to my eyes: "I'm happy to report that today, a new garden has been built and planted and it's bigger and better than it was before. I look at it as being symbolic of us, that hopefully, we are bigger and better than before too. I know I am because no matter what happens with us, the things I've planted will stay."

What a beautiful symbol. I hope that for us we will have some symbol in the future as well, rather than a broken home.

He's been out of town for 2 days and has called to ck in 5 times so I feel good about that, just that he's making a connection w/ me rather than being totally indifferent and not even trying to do that much. :)

I remember a boyfriend once a long time ago in college actually told me he always breaks up w/ a girl first so she can't do it to him.
 
Hi Trish,

I know what you mean. :) It doesn't feel like I've been here as long as I have and yet it feels like everything that happened before, happened a very long time ago. I still remember how scared I was to post at first and how moved I was by the responses.

Happy "anniversary"-- although it's not good things that brought you here I think there's something to celebrate.

SAR

(you know. I really sort of wish I had broken some flowerpots. I just said mean stuff to him, played a lot of loud music and stopped wearing my engagement ring. The pots probably would have been better. I know it's totally not the point but still.)
 
trish - your post is so significant - looking thru some of the first posts on this forum it's like so many stories were all the same - and that things really haven't changed much, can feel very overwhelming sometimes.

but, dare i say it, you really seem to have beaten the odds - fabulous really, hon - :D

wishing you all the best
indy
 
Thank you ladies. It's rough, but we plough through and definately celebrate the wins, big and small.

SAR, there's something very satisfying, at least in the moment, of taking a sledge hammer to a big ceramic pot and watching it splinter into a million pieces. It serves no purpose of course, but as I said, in the moment...... :eek:

ROCK ON......Trish
 
Trish,

I remember when you first came here and all those PMs we shared. I have told you this so many times, but here it is again: You are an amazing woman and so incredibly full of love, compassion, courage and strength. Don't hesitate to claim your share of credit for how much everything has improved. You deserve it!

I hope your own healing path will encourage the other partners here. You have come so very far since those terrible first days. I have such admiration for you as a woman, as a partner, and as a person.

Much love,
Larry
 
Larry,

You make me blush! and I thank you for it. But truly, as is proven time and again on these boards, I did nothing that any other loving partner with a chance hasn't and wouldn't do.

I think we've all got the same chip missing, you know, the one that makes room for a little extra love and care....... ;)

ROCK ON......Trish
 
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