One week removed from the beginning...

One week removed from the beginning...
L

LupinIII

Registrant
...and I feel like somebody stuck their hand inside of me and cranked up my internal volume a million notches. Everything feels more intense and I seem more sensitive to my surroundings. I work in an insane (and I am not kidding) environment and it is really getting to me. My anger, my sadness and my loss all seem intensified.

I have accepted SA intellectually but it has yet to be internalized. I will be going about my day when all of a sudden the 'Oh Sh!t' feeling will hit me or I will have another strange memory.

Of course trying to change jobs is adding a whole new layer of stress. I wish I could put that off but it seems to be a necessary task.

I know that the future is bright, but man the short-term hurts like a b!tch.

Help?

Thanks for reading.
 
Lupin:

I hear you; I am only a few short months from uncovering the truth of what happened in my own past.

Anger is still prevalent, as well as the occasional flashback, or further revealing of a past trauma. Smells, a strange line in a song, or something seemingly innocent can still trigger things that I really do not wish to think about.

But, I can offer this: do NOT allow yourself to shove this to the back of your mind and attempt to bury it. No, this is not fun, but it is a very necessary part of the process; acceptance is our first goal - admitting to ourselves that what happened has happened, and truly, there is not a damned thing we can do about it. The goal for you, amidst all the confusion, anger, and pain is to begin to help yourself in ways that your perp thievingly stole from you.

You know what happened to you, and that's good. Find a way to release your anger healthily (one guy on here wrote that he takes a baseball bat to a large tree). For my own self, I find myself splitting far more wood that I have to, and the occasional hike, forcing my body to burn, burn, burn, is a very good way to release stress, without inflicting it upon others. Find something that matters to you, something you care about and is important. Focus on that when you can, do not deny your emotions and feelings; it's a very healthy part of this process, I feel.

Write more if it helps; I have found reading and posting here is very helpful. For the first time I am amongst a group of beings that truly comprehends the breadth and depth of our pain.

You are NOT alone. You did NOT deserve what happened to you. But what I consider the positive side? I am now uncovering WHY I feel and act as I do; I am no longer saddened, thinking I am an oddball or an outcast. We are survivors, and relish that, now that you know the truth of your past, you can finally begin to heal.

It's not fun, but it's necessary and healthy to release these things. And we here will support you as best you can, and remember, that you are not alone with this anymore. Talk to someone, write to us, take the best care of yourself that you can, and with the passage of some time, and the living of your daily pains, you CAN get through this.

Your perp has taken far too much from you already. Do not let that person control your thoughts and feelings any longer.
 
Are some days just tougher than others? Today my stomach is in knots, I feel tremendous amounts of fear and anxiety and my hands are shaking.
 
it gets easier i promise, but at first it is very confusing. i think in general recovery is an emotional roller coaster. as you begin coming out of your protective shell, you feel things more. it is both good and bad because i noticed i felt the good things more too. you'll find yourself feeling things you never noticed before, new feelings, and yes i think we all have our good and bad days. the deeper you go into it, the more good days and the less bad ones though, in my experience. i have learned it is important to keep reminding yourself of the good things to get through the bad. a bit simplistic, but you would be surprised how powerful your internal dialog can be. hang in there

jeff
 
Manoman, Lupin, could I tell you some stories! :eek: :D

Yes, the short-term is a MASSIVE bitch, no doubt. You saw me at my worst yesterdday, and those "worsts" can be pretty bad indeed, but there are "bests" too. An the funny thing as we move through the stuff that HAS been affecting our whole lives, whether we admit it or not yet, the bad stuff tends to get less so, and the good gets better.

Oh, yes, it doesn't seem that way when you're going through it. It can appear to be all bulls**t and you wonder what could be worth getting through another day, and what would be the point of it anyway if you did. But, when something finally clicks, when you notice SOMETHING that makes you happy, a sunrise, a sunste, your children, your pet, a good book, a crappy movie ( :D ), it feels that much better and it gives you your hope back for the future.

Hope is a revolutionary act, Lupin. It means moving through the stuff that SHOULD HAVE crushed it a long time ago, and letting yourself hope anyway, because it's a way to get back your life and get back at those who hurt you.

They thought that your life wouldn't be worth living without them and what they did to you. Guess what? It IS, and that's the first step in getting it back and making every day great in some way.

The search for hope and life has kept me going a lot longer than I thought at the beginning of this crazy quest of mine. And it will for you.

It's indeed worth it, brother. It is indeed.

Peace and love, Lupin,

Scot :D
 
Lupin, I feel greatly for you, for your situation. I have felt that so much before. I have been dealing with this since last June, and started in therapy I think two months later. So I am not brand new with it, but am still rather new.

I have a friend who can simply shut off his emotions. I am sure it is not the safest and best way of dealing, but I sometime do envy that skill or trick he has. I have heard of people who make time, specific time in their day to deal with abuse issues, and if it comes in their mind they just put it off until then. I have never quite had that success.

You are still very new with this, and I think it best that you have patience with yourself. This is not a race, it is simply a matter of getting past the worst of it so that we can reclaim our actual life, it is not that you have to do it fast, or to compare yourself with how someone else is doing it. Do it for yourelf, not another.

Good luck,
Leosha
 
Guys
It gets better, it even gets 'good' - trust me.

I PM'd one of the other 'old timers' here yesterday and told him that I could probably walk away from everything to do with sexual abuse and live a fairly normal life now.

That's honestly how I feel, I do have some problems still I can't deny that. But they're problems I understand and have the capacity to deal with now ( I hope ! )
I have no intention of walking away because I've found a passion for helping and showing the guys that will surely follow behind me that recovery is possible. We can do it, we have to want to do it in the first place, but we CAN heal.

It's not easy, and I can remember clearly wanting to run before I could walk when I started therapy about 6 years ago. I soon learned that it's a process that has to be done from the start and from then on we have to pass each stage. Unfortunately we can't start with suddenly feeling fine and then fill in the gaps.

Is there a set time for this ? no there isn't, we work at different speeds, we each put different amounts of energy and dedication into healing. And that's exactly how it should be. Don't try to work at someone elses pace because YOUR pace is the only one that will work.


Accept that there are bad days when your stomach is in knots and your brain feels as though it's on a fast spin cycle, it's not permanent and it's not going to do you any harm. Accept it rather than fight it and the good days will seem so much better. Fighting it is only 'beating yourself up' - and why the hell should we do that ?
Focus on the good, and the bad will become progressivly more insignificant.

This is a great thread with some sound help and support from guys who are fairly new to the whole healing process. I read it and was instantly struck by a memory of where I once was. I was wondering if I'd done the right thing and if there was a result at the end of it.

I had, and there is.

Dave
 
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