One step back - two steps forward.

One step back - two steps forward.
R

RICK57

Registrant
Well here I am again - lost a bit of my positive attitude recently but it's coming back again.

Started to feel a bit negative with the kidney stone issues (have passed one naturally, about half the size of a small peanut...had four sharp edges when it came out..I can picture you cringing). Still have to go to hospital another twice minimum.

Had 3 weeks of excessive workload due to others being absent & I've got the most flexible skills base (actually got thanked for my efforts). Got a bit low by Saturday gone, but cheered up because I was going out for the day with 2 of my best friends (one who has just found out he's getting divorced & the idea was to cheer him up - well I stopped him worrying so much if that counts).

Got to about 20:30 & I just switched off & they noticed immediately (don't know what the trigger was yet ...maybe just tired).

Anyway, they know that I was abused & one knew a bit more of the story than the other. They steered me towards a quiet pub & insisted that I needed to clear my head & tell them more of what had happened to me (they did this in a very encouraging way). It's something that I have wanted to do for the last few months. They let me take my time & I gave them the works.

I felt such relief as I hadn't even told my therapist the full details - I nearly created two murderers. They really want to help me to purge this stuff from my mind.

Sunday - I felt a bit shellshocked & had the weirdest dreams that night.

Now I am feeling strong again & 'clean for once'. I've tidied up & cleared the ironing pile (a miracle)- the height of my ironing pile is like a barometer of my state of mind.

One thing that I have decided to do is go back to the three places that I remember being abused & try to create some more positive memories there.

I am taking my inner child with me (he loved the magic of the countryside) & I'm going to plant Forget-Me-Nots at The Quarry, On the site of the Old Pig Farm and next to The Railway Water Pump. I am going to do it this weekend coming what I am doing is laying a living tribute to 12 year old me - I hope that when I think of those places in future, I can picture something beautiful growing in those hellish places, rather than remembering only negative thoughts.

Has anyone else tried anything like this & did it work?

If I sound downbeat in this posting I'm not...I'm very up. Sometimes I forget how far I have moved on in 5 months!

Best wishes to everyone here...Rik

*If anyone has any additional ideas - like planting the flowers I'd be very pleased to hear them.
 
Rik,

First of all, about that kidney stone.....AYAHEEEEIIIIIIIIIII!!!!!!!!! I've never had one, but I've SEEN the end results and you have my eternal sympathy, particularly since you passed one the size of a SMALL PEANUT! THROUGH YOUR URETHRA! Now, according to my late mother, God rest her soul, you know what it's like to give birth! :eek: :D

Your idea about planting flowers for your 12 year old sounds wonderful and it's something I might do. Actually, I plan on visiting the old school where most of the horrible crap took place. They're renovated it, but it will be hard still. I NEED to recapture that place, maybe shake the legacy of evil there.

And maybe, I'll throw some wild violets on the grounds. I've always liked them. And they TAKE OVER A GREEN LIKE NOBODY'S BUSINESS! Worse than dandelions. My Little Man will LOVE that.

Thank you, Rik, seriously, for the boost and the ideas. You're one of the good ones.

Peace and love,

Scot
 
Rik I think that what you are doing is a truly great thing for the little you. I know it will be good for you.

Also, isn't it wonderful to have true friends. God they make a difference in our lives.

Kidney stones. Yeh well I have had them too and gall stones. Shitty little things that damn near kill you with pain. Change your diet. Drink lots of cranberry juice and they will not re-occur.
 
Maybe I will drink a gallon of cranberry juice a day--sure do not want anything other than liquid in that particular area.

Take care.

Bob
 
Rik,

I think the flower idea is great. For a couple reasons, I can't do something like that, so I'd love to hear how it works for you. Please keep us posted.

As for the kidney stone, I drink a couple quarts of water a day. I was raising the 24 oz cup to my lips as I read your post, and I thought, "Maybe I should drink more water." :D

Thanks,

Joe
 
Thanks everyone for your comments.

I couldn't wait until the weekend - once I'd got the thought into my mind it started taking over. I was on early shift today, had some tea when I got home - read the paper then decided to set off. This may be a long post!

Picked up my hand trowel, two forget-me-nots & one other plant that I cannot name, but one that will grow well in the intended location.

Set off around the corner of my house, walking past the old museum & up towards the railway station. I was instantly struck by how much the shrubbery had grown since the last time I walked up there. I crossed over the bridge at the station (instead of walking along the handrail like I used to when I was a kid). Walked along to the second bridge a couple of hundred yards further on, crossed the road & I was in the countryside adjacent to the railway line.

There's a public footpath that leads through the fields next to the line & that's where I headed next. About half way along the first field, I looked into the grass and it was full of wild forget-me-nots. I couldn't believe that they were so close to the place that I was heading to, and that they were the same as I was carrying with me! It was like they were welcoming me, somehow apologising and also informing me that there relatives would be welcome. Little Lost Boy let out a couple of stifled sobs.

At the end of the field, I veered up to the first quarry. Much of this had collapsed & the pond had dried up. In the middle of this there was a magnificent clump of Aqueligia plants about three foot high with deep purple heads on them - not the place I would expect to see them growing. This was where my perp actually taught me to fire an air rifle (grooming process).

I turned away from there and headed down towards bridge number three - this was where the water pump used to be, it was also the place I wanted to visit last.

I trecked my way up through the second field walking past masses of hawthorn blossom, red campion and purple headed grasses. There were several large cows in this field, but they showed less interest in me than the wild rabbits did.

At the top of this field I went through the stile towards the top of the second quarry - I did this with some trepidation. Just through the stile, there are blackthorn bushes that form an archway - I had to partially crouch to get through. Halfway through the bushes there used to be a natural delve in the landscape, just big enough for two people. This was where some of the initial 'lesser abuse' took place. Iwas surprised to find that the delve was now overgrown, there was a large gorse bush filling most of it, with the yellow flowers just starting to open. My first thought was 'well he couldn't do anything here now could he'. I dug a small hole in the stoney ground next to the gorse bush and planted the first forget-me-not. I stood for a few seconds then moved on.

As I stepped out from the blackthorn bushes onto the top of the quarry, I was met by several gorse bushes that were glowing gold in the sunshine. I looked around and marvelled at the majesty of the countryside - everything seemed to be putting on a show.

I walked down from the quarry and along to the fourth bridge. Even the clover and dog daisies were starting to bloom along this path.

I walked over the bridge and looked into the field next to the old pig farm. The railway shed wasn't there - this was where the abuse had grown as I was developed through the grooming process. I was sort of disappointed that there was nothing there to kick, had there been it may have spoiled my tranquil mood. I walked through the grass to where I thought the shed had stood (spotting 3 mallards sitting in the grass on the way). I found the remnants of a concrete base where the shed had obviously stood. I took out the second forget-me-not and planted it at the base of a hedge a few yards away (better soil this time). I stood for a few moments, calm and admiring the surroundings. The thought went through my mind, 'what if someone spotted my plant - would they wonder how it got there'? They'd never guess why.

I left the field & went to cross back over the bridge. Just before the bridge, I spotted the old stream about 12 foot below me. There was no one around, so I did what any 12 year old would do and pissed in it from a great height! He would have been proud of that!

I crossed the bridge and turned down to walk along the railway line. This used to be an old shunting ground for the railway wagon works that closed some years ago. There is now one black ash path about 6 feet wide that leads back to the second bridge.

Nature has really taken over along this path, but I was actually heading towards the third bridge where the large water storage pump used to be (used to fill the boilers on the old steam trains).

When I got there, I already knew that this tank had collapsed or been demolished. I wanted to go there last because this is where the abuse finally stopped. It happened one night when 'he' was carrying out his activities & a policeman walked past (yes they used to be on the beat in those days). It was dusk & I hadn't even noticed the policeman, but I was instantly told to keep quiet and still. 'He' sounded a bit concerned (if only it had dawned on me then and I had shouted out) and my mind started ticking away slowly realising that something was up. I never went back after that night & never saw him again until a couple of months ago.

Anyway I got out my trowel & committed my last plant to the soil. I don't know its name. but it has variegated leaves and small red flowers - it forms clumps, trails and is fairly invasive.

That was my third tribute / memorial to Little Lost Boy, 12 year old me.

I climbed back up to the bridge and along towards the station not knowing what I was feeling. I walked down the path from the station towards the museum, pausing to look over toward the young saplings. In the midst of them I spotted a clump of bluebells and stifled a sob again - bluebells are among my first memories. Way before the abuse started & everything was right with the world (I was probably 4 or 5)I went to the woods with one my grandfathers (next to where he lived) - as we were walking, we came to a firebreak within the trees. In the middle of this break was a sea of bluebells that stretched as far as a young eye could see. The sun shone right through the middle of them & lit up the border of firey rhododendrons. This was magic that always remains with me!

Approaching the museum, I passed the roses planted by the council and a slight breeze sprang up. The air was suddenly filled with scent that I hadn't noticed on my outward journey. This made me smile.

I'm not quite sure what I feel now, maybe it will take a few days to sink in. Every single one of those evil places had either disappeared, leaving only traces of foundations, or had been overgrown with the natural beauty of nature.

How can I manage to retain those negative images now when all I have found is natural beauty. I have also added something positive of myself to those places.

I know what I took out there! I know what I planted! I think I've left at least part of something that I never wanted.

Mostly I think I brought a little bit more of myself back home!

Enough said....Rik
 
Rik what a wonderful post. IT was only a place and from your words now a rather restful and quiet place. What you did will make the little Rik proud. The flowers that you planted show the strength of the character within you. May they continue to bloom in peace and joy.
 
It's just over a week since I went back there & I still don't know what I feel. It's like I'm an egg waiting to hatch.

The day afterwards I was sort of chilled - day after that felt something like I did in December when I felt that I could hear everyones thoughts at work. It's slowly inproving again now and I'm starting to chill again.

I think I was shocked that everything was just so beautiful when I took that walk & I cannot comprehend it to the places that I have been torturing myself with all of these years.

I know that I have done the right thing by going back - I think I need to go along there again a few times & perhaps take some photographs to remind myself that it wasn't the place that did those things, it was one evil bastard.

Sorry I've not posted/supported much this week but I will do again shortly.

Best wishes ...Rik
 
Rick
there is so much beauty around, and you've added to it. You're right, it wasn't the surroundings that harmed you - it was him.
You had every right to reclaim the place as yours.

The kidney stones - WAAAYYYY too much information ! :rolleyes:

Dave ;)
 
Rik,

I think some of the positive things you talk about are spectacular ideas. Everything we are now facing, we have the ability to make it better. We have the ability to make what could be negatives, positive.

I have a friend who is also dealing with all this, memories and healing. He is spending time every week volunteering with the local animal shelter, and also with special olympics. He realizes that those people, they are hopeless to change themselves, in the respect of their handicaps. It is permanent thing for them. But our healing, it is temporary. We can get through it and to the green grass and flowers on the other side. And when you think of it, imagine the flowers that can grow in our lives, after all the fertilizer we've had!

I am glad that you realize that the one step back does not negate the two forward. You are a strong and positive man, Rik, and things will continue to be good for you. There may still be setbacks, but you will never be in the dark places you've seen in the past.

Leosha
 
Just another update:

The impact of going on this walk has really thrown me (some of you might have noticed I've been particularly quiet).

I knew that I had done the right thing going back, as I said previously the following day I was OK / chilled / cool, then my head started going haywire.

I could barely cope at work 2 days afterwards but managed, as I have for the last week & a half. The weekend after I took the walk, it was bank holiday and for once everyone had gone off in different directions - I didn't want to spoil anyone else's enjoyment by telephoning them and telling them that I was going through shit!

The problem that I had was that every memory I had repressed about those places tried to download into my conscious mind at the same time...for all that those memories were negative, they did not match the beautiful places that I found on my return visit.

Saturday gone, several of us wnet to a local bar to watch England beat Iceland 6:1 in the pre Euro 2004 friendly. I went into 'stare' mode again half way through the match.

Result:

1/ Even more of my friends know & have not run away.
2/ I got bollocked again for not contacting people when I am down.
3/ The one friend that can 'stomach' the details went on a return journey with me along that walk yesterday.

He didn't ask a single question, just let me say what I wanted to say & listened. I showed him the locations - I could sense that he was understanding what it all really meant to me, why it had so much impact.

Again this is a positive post - I know that tommorrow I will feel crap - it's usually a day of euphoria followed by a 'dull day', then some sort of levelling out.

It's worth the step backwards to gain the step forward - sometimes you have to stand back a little to see the best view.

Again sorry if my support of others has been limited recently but I think that I have made the biggest steps that I've made in this process & it just needs a little more time to settle...then you'll be telling me to shut up!

Best wishes ....Rik don't be afraid to take that step!
 
rik,
five years ago i was in a theology program and one of the students there gave something to all of us that has never left my possession. she said it was the gift of life, and that left a lasting impression on me to this very day. the gift was baby spider plant. i have been through hell with my devastating divorce, suicidal to the point of direct and indirect behavior (alcohol binging), the abuse memory recall, moving five or six times, the loss of my son, the gain of a foster son...throughout all of this, that spider plant has grown and receded many times. i have its most recent generation coming back strong from the seasonal sleep to its roots and it is a proud generation. it is the same gift of life that she gave me five years ago and i carry it with me whenever i relocate. there is also a shamrock plant that i have had for a similar length of time, but was not the symbolic gift, though it is also going strong despite the chaos. the gift you gave to little rik is like that spider plant, rik...it is the gift of life, and it will continue to give to further remake the places of darkness. it is the gift of life, my friend, and it will continue to live, just as you have. the roots are strong, the will is stronger yet. gift, is life. take care, rik.
 
Sorry to bring this one back to the top, but it is a continuing story & one that I wish to maintain in one thread.

I can't believe that it's now around a month since I went back to claim the sites that I was abused at! It feels more like 6 months - I went into a mode where I felt like an egg waiting to hatch, I progressed to feeling completely thrown, feeling blank, feeling paranoid all over again. Wanting to be around people but not wanting to be anywhere near people (that's what it does to us dealing with this stuff).

Do you know what... I am now so bloody well glad that I did it... I am appearing again out the other side.

Today I was told by one of the production staff at work that several people had asked what had happened to me because I seemed so cheerful lately.

My Boss actually said that I seemed to have really taken control of the department that I run in the last couple of weeks & she wanted to know what had changed (she is aware of the abuse & was the person that sorted me out with a shrink when I really needed it).

Friends are telling me that I am 'mad' again, but they mean this in a nice way (not that I have disappeared inside myself like I had done previously).

It really hurt me so much & completely ****ed me up for around 2 weeks when I went back to claim those locations (I'm dropping a few tears now from happiness)- I have slowly climbed back out of it again and am ready to launch myself back into the world.

I know I'm going to make it... I had to do the pain, but now the sun is shining again.

If any of you are worried about taking a step to resolve issues, all I can say is....if you do not let that foot go in front of you & then follow it up with the other one, then you can only stand still!

*I've also got the all clear from the hospital on the kidney stones.

**Won't mention Euro 2004 as it will only mean anything to people on this side of the pond (bloody ****** ref is the required terminology).

There is hope...Rik
 
Rik - Thanks very much for bringing this post back to the top since I haven't been here long enough to see it the first time around. I think it's great about what you did to reclaim the sites of your abuse. I read that and thought "What a smart thing to do!" I was abused in my family home, which luckily for me, burned to the ground in 1978. So, the house itself is gone, but my parents rebuilt a new house on the same lot. I still get bad vibes there though, especially if I'm in the room that I know is now over the place where the old one was that the abuse occurred.

Anyway, thanks for an uplifting thread. I need to see those, and know that there is hope.
 
Rick
I'm glad this came up again, I think I'm going on a trip to Bangor in North Wales in the next week or so.

It's not for me, but one of my Survivor friends want's to go back and 'reclaim' the scene of the crime and he's asked me to go with him.
This could be a mad day out, :D
But he / we need to do this sometimes.

I've been back to the boarding school ( it's reverted to being a country house again ) a few times since I was a kid, it's only about 10 miles from where I live. And it did me a power of good, there wasn't anything evil or special about the place, it was the people who were evil.

Dave
 
Eddie - the reasons that I have posted so much detail is so that anyone new/old here can realise that progress is possible. I am also trying to be realistic by indicating that progress will most likely involve experiencing further pain...this time the pain is eventually worth it...believe me.

Dave - if you do make the visit with your friend, don't expect any blinding flashes of light! When I went back for the second time with a really good friend, it consisted of me pointing out the locations, some of the things I had seen on the first return journey by myself (the wild forget-me-nots that were fading 2 weeks later).

I think the main thing was that I was supported, that someone wanted to go back & help me to bury the ghosts.

The three 'abuse locations' were extinct (for want of a better description). I did become edgy at one point because I spotted what looked like a den in some trees - I went & investigated without realising that I was doing it at the time...that's when my friend realised what the real impact was upon me! I was checking out that there was not a new location for anyone else to be abused at.

Please print this post out for your friend - it may help him...Rik
 
Sorry missed a bit - the big test is to go back to those locations again in the late summer; when the nights are drawing in. Same time of year that I was abused - do I do it alone, or do I request a friend or several friends go with me?

12 to 16 weeks away....need to do it..I know by the way I'm feeling typing it!

Rik.
 
Just me again with another update - (TRIGGER)been building up to this which is why I've been particularly quiet on the site recently.

Went back up to the sites again today, 19/09/04 (couldn't face it yesterday when I intended to go).

It was different this time; 35 years on (anniversary) either this weekend or next. It wasn't quite like when I went back there in the late spring & early summer. It's the time of year & close to the time of day that I used to go up there when I was abused.

I was stood in my front room, attempting to reduce the pile of ironing again & watching the trees swaying ever more violently as the wind increased it's power. It was earlier than when I used to go up there with the 'sick one'. The build up of cloud cover gave the impression that it was later in the day - very similar to dusk.

I switched off the iron, picked up my mobile & digital camera & set off.

This time as I walked along by the museum I passed several other adults (would they have wondered where I was going had they seen me 35 years ago?)out walking their dogs.

I got to the station and noticed that the young sycamore trees were showing the first signs of Autumn - leaves crumpled & curled and starting to fall.

The next bridge after the station there was a group of children playing, laughing & joking...one of them could have been me 35 years ago (I hope he isn't).

Went over that bridge and into the cornfield - there were no forget-me-nots this time. The field had been harvested & part of it burned - the part where I had seen the forget-me-nots in the springtime.

Three young teenage boys then appeared from the opposite direction & as they approached they all politely said hello. I didn't know them but responded with a polite hello myself. They hadn't a care in the world - I hope they can retain that. I hope that they never walk back along there for the reasons that I do.

I then headed up to the first quarry again & took a couple of photographs - this was the first point that I was taught to fire an air rifle (close to the road & not far from houses - how deviously he built my trust).

Down from the quarry & up the trek towards the blackthorn bushes was where I headed next.

Nature had changed again - instead of the majestic hedgerows of blossom that I saw in the springtime, nature was preparing it's autumn harvest.

The hedgerows were full of hawthorn berries in scarlet and burgundy. Elderberries seem to be particularly large this year - commonly known as the English grape. Rosehips were also in strong supply - I fondly remember rosehip syrup served with rice for school dinners.

The cows were in the field again, but this time they were on the path - I walked through them cautiously as I wasn't too sure if they were cows or bullocks (didn't fancy being trampled by a stampeding herd).

I took several more photographs as I went, initially recording the natural harvest that will feed the birds come winter.

When I reached the stile that led into the blackthorn bushes, I was pleased that I had set off whilst there was still natural light. How I dared to walk through there as a 12 year old I don't know - even when I was with the one that I thought I could trust. It was so spooky this time - I had to half crouch to get through them.

Halfway through I came to that natural delve in the ground that I remembered only too well the first time I went back - I took a photograph or two.

Moved on from there & only glanced into the second quarry - I only fired the air rifles there - nothing untoward happened in there, so it didn't seem so significant.

The dog daisies & harebells all seemed to be sending up a final flower - a last salute to summer before the autumn arrives fully and raises them to the ground? The bindweed had reached it's full height, as had the fireweed - each respectively shedding seeds & trying to bloom with one last flourish.

A magpie took off in front of me - one for sorrow!!!

I headed down to the next railway bridge & over to the derelict pig farm... thoughts came into my head... I remembered his words and this time I lost it! "I'll teach you how to be an adult." "You'll be an adult before anyone else." "You're a shark." "You'll be a man with a lovely woman and a good family." "I never ask anybody to do anything they don't want to do." "Everybody does it, but nobody talks about it." I just walked and sobbed - I didn't feel it like this in the spring & summer.

I got to the old pig farm & I'm now confused as to whether the railway shed was in the same field as the pig farm (there's a derelict one there now), or in the adjacent field as I first thought.

The shed is where he started his 'games' - I'd have loved to give the bastard a red card if he'd been in there today!

I checked around the derelict pig farm & realised that I was looking for signs that someone may be using it for the wrongs purposes even now - there was no evidence that I could see.

I walked back up from there & stood on the bridge that I had pissed off previously (I don't mean that I called it names)... this time the wind had really built up & was travelling in gusts. I faced into the wind and just stood there for a while. I've heard that you can hear voices whispering in the wind (maybe I just listened to too much Led Zep) - as the gusts built and faded rhythmically, I was convinced I could here - " LET IT GO, LET it go, let it go".

Crazy??? Don't know but walked a bit faster after that and found part of a smile.

Cut down the railway line & spotted the den that I first noticed last time...no one in there either.

Walked along for another couple of hundred yards & thought I heard voices among the bushes near to me. I investigated, but this time it was just voices being carried on the wind. Walked a bit further until I came to the last site where it all ended (passing several people walking dogs)... wish there had been someone walking a dog along there when that bastard was abusing me - maybe the dog would have investigated & I would have suffered some short term embarrassment instead of years of hell.

There's a new National Railway Museum very close to this spot with 24hr security cameras (will help kids today thankfully).

Took more photographs.

With the photographs, I think I will make 2 collages - one of the abuse locations & another of 'nature's harvest'. Titled? 1/ Don't let your nightmares 2/ Spoil the harvest? May come up with something better than that.

Feel a bit silent again now, but one thing I keep thinking....

LET IT GO, LET it go, let it go.
 
Rick that was quite a journey. I think that it is becoming apparent to you that the location of all the shit was just a handy spot for him to proceed in secret. The place you describe in the seasons appears to be a good place to be close to nature. And it seems that many people are tuned to that fact. You have returned to it and it is just that, a place. The assocations with it however are terrible but are not caused by that location but by that bastard.

I spoke with a fellow member of MS and he desrcibed returning to the place of his abuse and he said it was cathartic for him.

I think the more you visit that place the better you will become as the man you were meant to be. To be at peace with ourselves is what we strive for and I think you are fast approching that goal. ;)
 
I didn't get to go to Bangor with my friend, but he went all on his own, and good for him!

I saw him today in our group therapy for the first time in a couple of months, we've had a break, and he told us about it.

He also took lots of photographs, and he's old fasioned - uses black& white and does his own dev' & printing.
He hasn't processed them as yet, but he says he looking forward to doing it.
The developing and printing is a slow and accurate process and he wants to see the pictures emerge in the trays, slowly. I think the concentration on the finished product will also concenterate his mind on what took place.

For some of us reclaiming the scene is important, I still look at the "Old Boys web-site" for mu old school. But I don't think my comments on the place would be appreciated.
But it's also good for me to see that not everyone had the bad experience I had, like I said earlier "it's not the place that was evil, it was SOME of the people there"

Dave
 
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