One of those days... testing...
Sunshinebaby
Registrant
I was talking to my fiance tonight and he was in one of his grouchy, defensive moods. When he is like this, he often resorts to sarcasm, sometimes at my expense. For instance, for the past 5 months, since he asked me to marry him, he still likes "popping the question" every now and then. One night I was teasing him about it. I was telling him how cute I thought it was and I asked him why he still asks me to marry him since he already had my answer. He said it makes him feel good to hear me say "yes, I will marry you." Then he said, why don't you try it, ask me to marry you. So, I did. I asked him to marry me and he said "yes". Then my fiance said "see, didn't that make you feel good?" I admitted it did. So, about once a week now, one of us will ask the other if he/she will "marry me" to hear the other reply "yes". Tonight, I asked him to marry me and he said "no" and then he said "haha I WAS JUST KIDDING". I didn't respond and I didn't laugh. And he said, "Oh come on. You know I want to marry you. That couldn't have bothered you. You know I was just kidding". I told my fiance "Yes it did hurt my feelings. I don't care if you're joking or not." I went on to explain how I thought that was something sweet between us and he twisted it. Trying to make a long story short, we got into a discussion about how he says sarcastic things at my expense and he thinks he's being funny. He doesn't consciously realize what he is saying is hurtful until I point it out to him. It seems to hit home with him when I ask him to reverse the situation and look at it from my point of view. Like I said, he thinks he's just joking around. I asked him why he does it. He said he's gotten so used to people picking on him that he goes into defense mode whenever he's feeling bad and he lashes out. Then he asked me why I stay with him. He said all he does is hurt me. Which isn't true and I told him so. ~(I think he's looking for validation, from me, that he's not hurting me "all the time" when he asks this.) 95% of the time, he is sweet, compassionate, caring, happy, considerate, thoughtful, etc. He has a bad day every once in a while just like the rest of us, but he doesn't hurt my feelings "all the time".~ Then he asked "What if I don't stop hurting your feelings? Are you gonna leave me? Are you going to divorce me?" I told him that is why I want us to see a therapist together (which he's already agreed to do), so we can both understand each other, understand why we say hurtful things to each other at times, and so we can learn alternative coping skills. I also told him I was NOT going to leave him and I understand why he does it. And I said, "but don't expect me to take it lying down either. If you hurt my feelings, I am going to tell you so. I am going to tell you not to say it again and I will expect you to acknowledge that what you said was hurtful and apologize to me. I may leave the room, go for a walk, or go for a drive, but I will always return before the day is out." He was really testing me tonight. He was trying to see how far he could push me. He was waiting for me to say, "You know, you are right. You DO hurt me all the time. You are a bad, mean, spiteful person and I'm not going to marry you. You don't deserve me. You don't deserve to be loved. You don't deserve to have someone care." (but I didn't say or think that). I know this is what he was thinking because he's pretty much told me as much before. He's told me in his past relationships, his girlfriends have left him. They always broke up with him. He's told me he's afraid that I will do the same. He's actually told me he's expecting it, waiting for me to leave him also. I always reassure him that I am not like any of his ex's and I'm not going anywhere. Something else struck me as I am thinking over our conversation, that I didn't connect before. When he is feeling vulnerable, he uses a voice that's almost childlike, and he was talking in that voice tonight, once we started talking about what he said. Kind of like he is pleading, with a soft, sad sounding voice. When he sounds like that all I want to do is wrap my arms around him and hold him cuz I know he is feeling vulnerable. It's almost like a part of him hasn't grown up. Like part of him is still that 5 year old abused child.
I guess I am feeling frustrated. I feel like I've been crying for the past hour even though I haven't. This stuff is mentally exhausting sometimes and I feel like I'm on a rollercoaster.
I guess I am feeling frustrated. I feel like I've been crying for the past hour even though I haven't. This stuff is mentally exhausting sometimes and I feel like I'm on a rollercoaster.
?), i would like to say something on this. fear of abandonment is something you already know is quite prevalent among survivors. the one thing i have learned in my recovery is that no matter how many times lady theo assures me she will not leave me, the words play little part in convincing me. i heard similar words before and then abandonment. it is good to hear those words, do not get me wrong, but will matter most is the behavior that you persisitentsly show. it will take time. i try to really avoid "testing" lady theo because i feel as though it is a weakness on my part and, more importantly, it is very unfair to her. but i am still scared. she has done nothing to deserve my fear of her leaving me...but it is not about her in one sense. those who betrayed me are the ones i constantly hear in my head when lady theo tells me she will not leave me...but it is lady theo's behavior that silences those voices. i do not literally hear them, of course, it is just the fear, but slowly i am learning to believe and someday i will believe again. keep saying the words, for they are important, but keep in mind that it will be your behavior that will ultimately prove it to him. one last thing, remain true to yourself, sunshine. do not sacrifice who you are for another. this is not saying do not love another, it is saying do not make the mistake i did in defining myself by the wishes of someone else. you said it correctly when you told him you will tell him when he hurts you and that you expect him to maturely acknowledge it. this is something very dificult for survivors. when someone is angry that means more pain for us, as our past proves. it is incomprehensible to us that someone can be justifiably angry/hurt and still love us despite the wrong we did. we need to learn that it is okay to make mistakes and that if someone is angry, especially someone we love, that it does not mean we are scum or that the loved one is leaving. okay, need to cut this short. i always seem to say more than i intend to 
I have learned to stick up for myself, I am taking care, and acknowledging my feelings and needs too.