One day at a time

One day at a time
I believe I was about eleven when it started and my abuser was 14 but he was above his years and stronger . He worked out road a motorcycle. I was very naive. He invited me for a sleepover and conviniently had a door going directly outside from his bedroom. He cohersed me when lights would go out and grab me by the neck that was the start of my hell because the hardest thing to wrap my head around was just going along with it many more times and not stopping it . I can even remember expecting it when he was not that’s so messed up . I used to tell myself I wanna die when it was happening I would try and think of other things. To this day I still will just cry at any given time for no reason.
 
You'll meet many men here Gregory who carry confusion about what happened to them when they were boys, especially the fact it continued. Please be gentle with yourself my friend. We have bodies that respond to sexual stimulation... it can feel good and we can become sexualized ourselves in the midst of trauma. Nothing that happened before, during or after these events was your fault. You were drawn into a world of this teen's creation and your presence was to satisfy HIS desires. Please keep reading and sharing... this is how we learn to find compassion for ourselves... which is essential to healing. You're doing it... exactly like this.
 
Visitor said:
You'll meet many men here Gregory who carry confusion about what happened to them when they were boys, especially the fact it continued. Please be gentle with yourself my friend. We have bodies that respond to sexual stimulation... it can feel good and we can become sexualized ourselves in the midst of trauma. Nothing that happened before, during or after these events was your fault. You were drawn into a world of this teen's creation and your presence was to satisfy HIS desires. Please keep reading and sharing... this is how we learn to find compassion for ourselves... which is essential to healing. You're doing it... exactly like this.
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I can remember him pinning me down in the hallway of my parents house and across the living room the front door opened and it was my step sister and he immediately jumped off me and went down the hallway I got up and my sister said whats going on and that’s all I remember but when coming out recently to her about what happened to me back then she said she could not remember . He would come over and get me and take me to what we called the circle it was next to my house and take me in the weeds I little ways do his thing and then go home. I never talked during these episodes and him very little just directing me what to do. when I think back about these times I have so much anger. I feel like he destroyed my life I could have been such a different person and today I strive to be a better person. I definitely know I have hurt some people along the way when I used to drink I was always searching for something but I never knew what and I am so very sorry for that.
 
Hi Gregory, it wasn't your fault. Please be gentle with yourself. You're not alone in having been groomed and then abused by an older boy. Some of it won't make much sense, especially the magical thinking of a kid. You're here now sharing and trying to heal, and that's important.

Looking back, I still can't believe what I got forced by older boys in to doing and how much impact it still has on my life.
 
Dolphin42 said:
Hi Gregory, it wasn't your fault. Please be gentle with yourself. You're not alone in having been groomed and then abused by an older boy. Some of it won't make much sense, especially the magical thinking of a kid. You're here now sharing and trying to heal, and that's important.

Looking back, I still can't believe what I got forced by older boys in to doing and how much impact it still has on my life.
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Thanks the first time on here I heard your not alone I cried
 
the first time on here I heard your not alone I cried
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Me too Gregory. The first time a person said "be gentle with yourself" I cried as well. I was in my forties at the time and the man who said is was giving the Sunday talk at a Unity Church. We feel so alone and we are so hard on ourselves... as though the bad things we experienced and sometimes repeated in our lives were our fault. That is why we say over and over again... be gentle with yourself... you are not alone... it was not your fault. Healing comes through self-compassion and self-care... there is NO OTHER WAY to heal. That is what you're doing here Gregory... what we are all doing.
 
Visitor said:
Me too Gregory. The first time a person said "be gentle with yourself" I cried as well. I was in my forties at the time and the man who said is was giving the Sunday talk at a Unity Church. We feel so alone and we are so hard on ourselves... as though the bad things we experienced and sometimes repeated in our lives were our fault. That is why we say over and over again... be gentle with yourself... you are not alone... it was not your fault. Healing comes through self-compassion and self-care... there is NO OTHER WAY to heal. That is what you're doing here Gregory... what we are all doing.
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Thanks
 
BelovedSon said:
Welcome and I have so much respect for you. I have been amazed at the power of sharing my shame with other people. It is a cruel reality that people broke us and it takes people to fix us. As I have started to trust and share with people my greatest shames, the shames have lost their power over me. I don't really understand why telling my story to another frees me but it does. I have 4 guys who are like brothers to me. They knew about my CSA but didn't know about the SSA. I finally told each of them that part and they were all incredibly supportive and not at all freaked out about it. I was terrified my entire life about another guy knowing it then find it out was no big deal to them.

So I commend you for opening up. And even if it doesn't feel like it, you have started the healing process. I wish you strength for your journey.
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It’s ironic that you use the word broke us as my two boys were growing up I would say to them that your dad is broken and that is all they never replied back to me what do you mean by that dad but they would go to their mom and ask her why does he say he’s broken and she would say I don’t know honey that’s just your dad but after telling them now I think they have a understanding they have told me they are here to support me which is wonderful but since I told them a couple of weeks ago I will not bring it up again I do not want to burden them with what happened to me when I was young because it must seem very awkward for them and it’s OK because I know they will always be there for me. People always say the time heals it’s been 48 years and I always would try to forget about what happened but that would never work .
 
I think that is a fine observation... time doesn't heal the wounds from trauma. We can make accommodations but there is always a price paid for not healing those wounds. And that is why we're all here... we've witnessed the price we're paying and want to find release. As much as we wish to keep it all in some compartment in our lives so it won't spill over into our relationships, that isn't possible. It continues to leak out in myriad ways... impatience, distraction, judgments. A price is paid both by us and by our loved ones. The best thing we can do for ourselves and for our families is to do the healing work... here and in therapy. No doubt, that is why you came to this website Gregory. We all deserve relief from the residue of trauma we've been carrying own entire life. All the best to you on your healing journey.
 
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