On trying to be the victim for 5 minutes...

I was raised by an undiagnosed schizophrenic mother who abused my brother and I our entire childhoods. All flavors of abuse were involved, but I am trying to deal with the sexual abuse right now. But my reactions to grief make doing the work very difficult, regardless of the focus of the work.

My problem is that I can't hold onto the picture of myself as being abused for very long. Like my daughter says, I am the rock of the family, and as the eldest brother with an insane mother and no father in the home, I always had to be as a child as well.

When I feel really, really sad about what I suffered I can get in touch with the feelings for a short time, and then I hear her voice telling me all those horrible messages that shut me down and make me feel like I 'deserved whatever i got'. I think this by itself isn't as bad as the fact that I can't shake the feeling that it's all me. That I really did ruin her life by being born (as I was frequently told). That it was me that made her crazy.

I am in therapy as the result of depression, but I feel like I need more!! I need to be able to grieve, and am having enourmous difficulty doing it.


Thanks for listening.

 

[Thad]

hey, mx:
Welcome to nomsv, glad you found it. It can be a useful tool in recovery. We have all experience Sexual Abuse and talking about it has been a part of our healing. For me, finding what other's went through helped me not feel alone. It is a place of trust for me in a world I have not trusted.

Im sorry for what happened to you. Im sure it was a painful lasting scar. I think you are courageous for facing this, for getting yourself into therapy and for reacing out by posting. Thank you for sharing your self with us and I hope you can get as much from us.

I know full well the protection i learned as a child - that of denial - it was my only way to defend my child self - I still seek it to get away from my sa experience - but I know that bringing it out in the open will lesson it's power over me.

Take care - come back when it feels right - you are among friends. thad

 

mx,

One of the hardest things for a child who had to act like an adult (typical of first-born kids) in a dysfunctional family is the notion of always having to be responsible...of having to be the one to hold it all together. While it sounds as though you were able to do this successfully, it has, in essence, robbed you of your childhood.

If my own experience is any indication, it wouldn't surprise me to learn that you are STILL the one who is the strong one...as you quoted your daughter...you are the rock of the family.... The weight of responsibility is very heavy and compounds whatever abuse you suffered.

Oh how I wish I had a magic wand that could wipe away all of this responsibilty and need to be the strong one....but, alas, it is probably one of the things that has helped you to survive.

Joining this discussion forum has been enormously helpful to me, personally. Guys like Thad have made me feel welcome and they are teaching me that there is wonderful support for me on this new path to healing. I'm glad you've joined us as well!

Dynamite Don

 

Thanks to both of you for your responses, and messages of hope. I think you are right that it's hard to give up what has not only helped me survive but has made helped me to successful in many ways.

I find that, there are moments of pure disbelief about my experiences, maybe this is minimization and denial kicking in as Thad mentioned, I don't know. I knew from an early age that my mother was unwell, and did what I could to keep her from getting to me. My therapist describes this as the "transcendent child'.

There is this strong part of me says, no she couldn't have affected me this much… no. NO. I was watching right? I was looking right at her as she beat the shit out of us, and sexualized us. I knew what a fucking bitch she was, an idiot could see it. Why should she have the power to affect me or my life in any way, just because of some dumb luck of the draw.

I managed her as best I could then, and I have managed her effects upon me to the best of my ability. But my time has apparently run out. I notice that everything is changing. I locked my keys in the car while it was still running, something I normally would be incapable of doing. Depression, inability to be social, unable to eat, or sleep, the rock is chipping away. I don't honestly know what comes next.

 

mx,

Who knows what comes next? Right now, it feels as though everything is unraveling...and that's got to be pretty scary--especially for a guy who has had to hold it all together for so long.

Years ago someone told me (I believe it was a psychology professor, but exactly who is a bit fuzzy in my memory now), "Nothing changes unless something happens." It doesn't have to be catastrohic, though. My sense is that things are already starting to shift for you and an unsettling feeling is now lurking around the edges. But this isn't permanent, and, if you have support (your family, a therapist, the guys in this forum...) you'll come through it all just fine.

You have stated, "I was
looking right at her as she beat the shit out of us, and sexualized us. I knew what a fucking bitch she was, an idiot
could see it. Why should she have the power to affect me or my life in any way, just because of some dumb luck of
the draw." She was your mother, for God's sake, and you were the victim because the very person who was supposed to be taking care of YOU and your siblings was really unable to even take care of herself. Her illness spilled over onto all of you; how could you not be affected...or infected? Just growing up in a household with a mother who was mentally ill would be sufficient to mess you up pretty badly. When you add the abuse on top of it, you ratchet everything up a couple hundred notches....

It is good that you have a therapist; good for you for having the courage to take that step toward your own recovery. Be gentle with yourself, and know that you're not alone.

Dynamite Don

 

Thx Don, this is good feedback, and I was moved by it. The feelings that I expressed are those of that child. I've never had to question them much before, but apparently I will have to now. I need to tell him that his job is over for the time being. I love him so much, I wish someone else had. It's hard to stop his never ending vigilance. He guards me day and night. He's made of iron though, and hard to convince. I'll keep trying.

And I do have support all around. This forum is looking like an additional (and excellent) means of helping me to get to where I need to go.

Thank You