on the verge

on the verge
M

markgreyblue

Registrant
i really fear for a friend here -

i want him to be ok - but i wish he could accept that i am damaged and can't do everything he can at all moments -

people can't be each others' everything always -

and i am still trying to get to know what that is -

all over and tired -

mark
 
i need him to define himself - and be ok with that -

i am trying because i was so deleted "decapitated" by my family

m
 
Mark,

I think what you say in your two posts conveys the problem very well. We all have to realize that everyone has their limits and capacities and will cope well one day and perhaps not another.

One of the big reasons for this will always be the way the "outside world" affects us from one day to the next. It's good you remind us of that.

Much love,
Larry
 
i think people suck larry -

people who lie

who hurt people

trigger -

realized - get to get something out of life -


i sat to eat -

i realized - my mother didn't feed me

she was always 'too busy' - funny she didn't work and a full time maid -

all during high school - i made my own breakfast -
my own lunch or go with out

and a lean cuisine and the sink better be clean

she didn't do a fucking thing -

and no recogintion

my dad - was too busy fucking the world and telling us you know what

just anger tonight - it's a bit blinding right now -

oh yeah - and telling my friends is really
the shit ain't it?

mgb
 
when i broke my arm and came home from school

she said - sorry too busy a luncheon to go too -

what the fuck -

the maid will bring you a bowl of soup

and that was it...
 
i couldn't even feel the brokenness -

my teacher said

mark it's ok to curse

i didn't know how -

so i acted it

i still didn't feel it

i yelled 'fuck!' - but i didn't get it

i thought - this isnt' doing much -
 
in High School I discovered a book by Herman Hesse - I read it and loved it -

I learned to fast - well - I had been forgetting meals a lot - due to all nighters at study - or just plain too busy -

so I tried a whole weekend - I did it before - unknowningly - and then I did it
self aware - with water and lemon -

it was difficult -

in retrospect - no one else really knew!

self testing - but probably not great -
 
this was at the end of HS -
college at the end is when I became ill -

I had done a lot - and nothing in return -

no knowledge how to get on with life -

if it was so violent at home -

and such accomplishments were so meaningless I'd never make it -

- empty - trying to commit suicide twice in my 20s

i could clean house and dress pretty - I knew people liked that -
 
sorry - it is a look back -

i need to make space for others here -

things are getting better - and please - they do get better - reach out.

( I had had a lot of academic - and artist recognition and accomplishment and good work reviews and eventually money) but

it meant nothing without love. like the elton john song says ...
 
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