on the verge of a breakdown

[JScott12]

Hi guys, heads up this is just a rant.
I feel like I am on the verge of a breakdown. It seems like there is an overload of guilt and physical tension. I've never felt like this fucked up and hopeless before. Everythings just building and building , there is no movement or release.
The relationship I have mentioned in previous posts has ended. It just couldn't go on. I threw it away long ago when I cheated and disrespected the relationship, when I hurt her physically and emotionally by not supporting her in her time of need.I am now starting to feel the guilt of that, the regret of throwing love away. The guilt of hurting an innocent person who loved me more than anyone will probably love me again.
The guilt and regret of the time I've wasted in the last few years, my head has truly been up my ass. Not taking life seriously, not taking recovery seriously, hurting people along the way, partying too much.
Also my gran has been in hospital for the last 6 months, it looks like she'll never get out. I'm starting to feel the guilt of all the time I never spent with her, all the times I took her for granted. We had such a close relationship when I was young but it became a bit sporadic until the last few years when I started to see her weekly. I hate the thought of her feeling unimportant and alone. I've been told this guilt is normal for a dying family member, that we all wish we spent more time with said person but it doesn't make it any easier.
I know this is nothing to do with abuse or the side effects of abuse which is why I feel bad for even posting this. Nothing seems to be about the abuse anymore. I'm not having nightmares/flashbacks etc like alot of you guys. It's just that life is catching up with me after years of bad habits and behaviours.
I don't know what to do or who to turn to. My options are limited, I don't even know what I would say to someone. I've thought about writing to my therapist to see if he has availability but I feel embaressed that I haven't moved on any further from the last time I was in therapy.
It feels like I'm at a crossroads. A breaking point. Its a wake up call, that I can't live like this anymore. I just don't know what steps to take.
Thank you for letting me get this shit off my chest.
J

 

[Ceremony]

I see the mix of emotions and reflections I thought of (when I could think) that were the end of 1999 for me. I've put up with my wife's disparaging angst toward me for decades because of guilt. I think my absences and neglect from trying to escape thinking, or interaction that would mean I had to be there kept me working hard at escape. And for me, it was definitely a pattern built from the bullying, hiding being molested (suppressing it), and making the rape something I forced out of my thoughts. I was good at suppressing, but not with moving on with life.

I played roles as they arrived, and made efforts to think I was doing things, but when I got into a relationship and troubles began, I went into a crash like you're describing. And I think my crash lasted 14+ years, and took 7+ to make some wiggle room to grow. These past 8+ years have been more discovery and learning, sticking up for myself on occasion and trying to deal with the changes that happen. Which for me, include last summer when I first started dealing with the process of healing.

What I hope you get from my share is that I get you, the mixed up and fractured thinking from all the changes, guilt of what was done and not done, it all makes perfect sense to me. I'm pretty sure a lot of brothers get you. Laying some of the burden here, and helping you, is the way forward. Work it out, a bit of feedback, validation and support. Brother's get you.

My feedback is that you are still healing, and the effects of our trauma circumstances have lifetime management need. The effects are there always, but it will be our healing that lessens those effect, and our speed of feeling better.

Bring the burden to your posts, let it go as you can, and try to consider your body and mind responding to you about what you put in it.

Peace brother!

 

[JScott12]

"the mixed up and fractured thinking from all the changes, guilt of what was done and not done"

that is exactly it. my thoughts seem so scattered and crazy. I don't even know what thoughts to trust and what thoughts to discard.

"it all makes perfect sense to me. I'm pretty sure a lot of brothers get you"

Thank you for the reassurance. I do see similar words in others posts on here and I know I am not alone in these feelings. I just feel so stuck in whaat action to take, what steps to take.

"Laying some of the burden here, and helping you, is the way forward. Work it out, a bit of feedback, validation and
support"

I am very cautious about ranting too much, being too negative on this forum or repeating myself. It did feel good getting this out, I'm no further forward but it definitely calmed the hysteria I was feeling just before posting it. I used to write
quite a bit, more like a stream of conciousness journal on things I was thinking about or going through but even that hasn't brought release lately.

Thanks for your concern ceremony.