on personal power

[markgreyblue]

i had no sense of personal power - almost a blindness to myself - it is alot to tell-

but i think what i want is a sense of my own
existance and ability to be the "commander" of my own life -

it is weird though - i think i used to feel that - and actually i know somehow this is the way it played out -
i had to deny all feeling -
in order to feel that power - or really that strength -
didn't want any bad feelings at all - they were too much - at least - could not be stong and have discomfort or nervous feelings as well -
admitting wrong or neediness - while being present
and using the appropriate language to convey that i was needy - too needy in certain circumstances was way too hard - so much so that
i almost denied it all - thinking i was doing or really saying writing the right thing - intentions were there - but not the communication - which ended up being hurtful-
this is vague - and probably does not make sense -
but it is really the sense of feelings and yet strengthe at the same time - being able to deal is what i want - as a person of my own determination -
chat later -mgb

 

[Bill_1965]

Mark,

We are the commanders of our lives. It is a tough lesson to teach ourselves and a forfilling role for us to fill.

I am fairly new in the role of the commander of my life. For years I was lead, commanded by people that just wanted to use me. They used me to express their power, the power over my life. They used me as a sex toy, as a punching bag, and as a slave.

Those days are over. I am no longer any of those. I am in command of my life, as are all of us. It's just time to take ahold of those reigns and take command, if you haven't already. It took me way too long for me to learn that they were in my hands the whole time and only needed to grasp them, don't wait like I did.

Your fellow commander,
Bill

 

[G5]

I can understand. Your writing is spot on. I can picture you writing this but I am in your body....feeling your pain. We all are with you, because we all have the same core emotions, all the same kind of fears, and all the same kind of shame. No matter what you write or try to say, someone here will understand. I'm trying not to cry while writing this and it's very difficult. Our strength is your strength, as is yours to ours. You can learn to have control in your life. I'm learning everday, not that everday now is perfect...far from it, but I'm learning. You have shoulders here to lean on. Say what you need to say, however you can. If I can speak for others, we all will listen.

 

[markgreyblue]

i am indebted to male survivor for giving me the first outlet and chance to express myself - first
mania, then acting out, and then slowly growing and becoming - still becoming, and learning who i am -

this may be speech-like language - but i am so
thankful to you Bill and G5 and every man here who has guided me through their honest and supportive comments - i have learned to be me in the company of men -
i am lucky -

i have learned now we all are deserving of being treated as we are special and cared for -
the relationships here has taught me to take it day to day - the hurt between us is understood
and if not, given a chance to be resolved and or at very least expressed in a receptive hearing and listening place -

-this is lucky -

god bless - mgb