Old dog,new trick

Old dog,new trick

justplainme

Registrant
Sometimes it feels after recovery that you end up right you were before, a great part of leaving pain behind comes from outgrowing your problems, not in a chronological type of way, but the way you would clothes that don't fit, you just don't fit into that old shirt that was you previous life, the stitches of shame, the buttons of memories, and the seams of regret are replaced with a new suit, fitted to live what you now are.
I don't feel recovery can sustain without a real connection to those who still are processing this event in their lives, or without doing something to stop this sickness, so if any of you need help getting through well, we can all help each other. Sending all of you my blessing.
 
This sounds a lot like the 12th step of AA, bringing the possibility of sobriety to those alcoholics who are still drinking. Bringing the news that healing is possible to those survivors of CSA not only helps them but also is therapeutic to the bringer of hope.
 
Great insight Nothing man. Thank you.
 
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it is a powerful thing to give back something to our fellow survivors. For me it gives the abuse some kind of meaning. Otherwise it is just pain and misery with no end and no reason. so if we can give back something and give some kind of meaning to the abuse it seems a win.
 
My empathy still prompts me to help by sharing surviver experiences, or attempting some brief words of at least acknoligement but these days my over baring feeling is "what is the point"

I've played with all the usual platittudes and surviver back slapping, "you are worth it", "this will pass", "just persist", etc etc. However such things have ultimately done no good for me.

When your always powerless and dependent upon others for everything from some vague social contact to even getting basic necessities like grosseries, well what price is "because your worth it!" My councillor atually told me that he thought me very ready to move forward with my life if given the opportunity, it is the lack of opportunity that is the problem.

So, how can I tell someone else about the joys of recovery and attitude change and all those other things when frankly it's the world that has got it wrong?

You can tell someone locked in a cell in solitary confinement to "think positively" and "just persist" and "that he is worth it" but that won't break down the prison walls.

Ultimately it seems recovery is a relational state between the surviver and the world, and if the world don't play recovery serves no point. Eg, how the hell does a person "discover intimacy" if nobody will be intimate with them, or how does someone "move on with their life" if nobody will actually give them an opportunity to change it.

So, while I still do feel that empathy for other people going through all the flashbacks and nightmares and sleepless nights and fear and shame and all those other fun things that I know all too well, that's life! it might be worth while, it might not, but ultimately it's just luck that decides whether it is or not, luck and the will of the collective.

abusers abuse, victims are hurt. some try to recover and hay maybe some even manage it if opportunity arises, but some just continue trying and get nothing. Some are born rich and some poor, some people live lives free of toil and some get continual loads of crap.

The collective tells us that status quo is king and what is deserved is deserved, that all men are created equal but some are more equal than others, and well if your not equal you don't exist.

Welcome to the human fucking race! Homo sapiens, the pinacle of evolution! Man who is center of God's almighty creation!

So, how the hell do I tell someone "It will get better?"
 
I'd give you my full attention dark empathy, i don't think you can have a patch and fix attitude, good must be done in particulars and not in generalizations.

Life is shitty, but dung beetles live in shit and seem pretty happy.
 
I agree with you on a general level, but specifically I just find no purpose. Ultimately, how do I tell someone "This will get better" when for me it hasn't, and failing my number finally coming up in the good luck lottery, it probably won't either.

What do I say to someone who says "I feel so alone" or "when does this get better"

Sinse right now all I could say with honesty is "Get used to it, that's life, it never gets better, ---- unless your lucky"

I know this isn't the usual sort of answer or response that people expect on ms, heck I've been here long enough, but sinse this topic did raise the question of how people go through the recovery process and then when they have some degree of equilibrium or peace turn around to help others, ---- well some of us just don't get that far and the last thing I would want to do to someone in the throws of the blackest moments of recovery is lie. It'd be like a doctor telling someone who had just lost a hand "don't worry, you will be able to learn to do everything just as well with the one hand, in time you won't even miss it"
 
I could have killed myself and ended the pain at my will at any moment, and all my traumas,phobias,fears,pain could have dissipated in a matter of seconds. But i continue to fight day in and day out with that one hand only. I can only go as far as i want,allow and will myself too. I choose to fight, to live, to love and give it my best no matter what that is. And maybe this is one truth of recovery " It's your choice,your responsibility,no one is going to do it for you." You have to reach deep and slay that dragon of evil.
I still have that other option at my disposal at any moment,time, or instant i choose to. But it is my choice and i'm damn sure not going to let any pedophile, abusers, rapists determine my future,life,sexuality or identity.

" I will not go down gentle into that night. "
 
justplainme said:
It's your choice,your responsibility,no one is going to do it for you."


For thirty years Ive been waiting for someone to say something that will put things right for me. Every phone call to my parents begins with the hope that theyll say the magic words I need to hear. Every trip to MS is based on the hope that one magical thread will unravel the tangle of my life. What Im starting to learn is that no one else knows what to say. How could they? I am the only who can change this. However clichd, to come face to face with that fact is huge. Others can help but the responsibility is mine.
 
Yes yes, only you can choose your future, you have the power, today is the first day of the rest of your life, tomorrow is another day, a journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step, etc, etc etc.

Maybe for some people this is true, hell maybe it's true if you actually can be recognized by other people as a human being, but all I've learnt from recovery is just how fucking powerless I am!

You may as well tell a prisoner is solitary confinement that he's not really alone because he can choose! not to be.

The philosopher Senica said "A good man could be happy on the wrack" because he believed (like everyone does here), that one could choose to be happy.

Bertran Russel famously replied "You'd need a very good man and a very bad rack"

How do I choose! to be intimate with other people when nobody wants that with me. How do I choose! not to be alone when i have to work five times as hard just to be recognized as the same fucking species as everyone else.

Oh, maybe I could Choose! not to desire intimacy, hay maybe I could choose! not to desire to breathe too.

The only good things in my life currently, and probably the only thing I really would site as a reason not to end everything is I love reading and exploring, with games and music and thought, hell Doctor Who has been a better companion to me than most of my so called friends have.

It's enough to give me glimmers of peace, to spend my time among the stars, but does it fill the void? I have to say no, because unfortunately I still have to live on this shitty planet much as I'd rather travel through time and space.
 
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dark empathy said:
Yes yes, only you can choose your future, you have the power, today is the first day of the rest of your life, tomorrow is another day, a journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step, etc, etc etc.

Maybe for some people this is true, hell maybe it's true if you actually can be recognized by other people as a human being, but all I've learnt from recovery is just how fucking powerless I am!

You may as well tell a prisoner is solitary confinement that he's not really alone because he can choose! not to be.

The philosopher Senica said "A good man could be happy on the wrack" because he believed (like everyone does here), that one could choose to be happy.

Bertran Russel famously replied "You'd need a very good man and a very bad rack"

How do I choose! to be intimate with other people when nobody wants that with me. How do I choose! not to be alone when i have to work five times as hard just to be recognized as the same fucking species as everyone else.

Oh, maybe I could Choose! not to desire intimacy, hay maybe I could choose! not to desire to breathe too.

The only good things in my life currently, and probably the only thing I really would site as a reason not to end everything is I love reading and exploring, with games and music and thought, hell Doctor Who has been a better companion to me than most of my so called friends have.

It's enough to give me glimmers of peace, to spend my time among the stars, but does it fill the void? I have to say no, because unfortunately I still have to live on this shitty planet much as I'd rather travel through time and space.

I love to read as well, do you like sci fi movies?
 
Absolutely! though I tend to go to reading and audio before tv or filmsI can think of, heck sinse my first name is Luke you can imagine all the starwars jokes, (lucky I enjoy the original films).

Unfortunately, sinse there isn't a cinema close to where I am so seeing a film is a major journey I haven't been able to check out many of the more recent efforts like Jupiter Rising or Gravity, indeed I do confess generally I find films and tv have gone very flat and standardized and shiny, just churning out the same thing again and again, (god I hate super heroes, or at leastt super hero films).

I actually mostly watch tv series or older stuff on dvd, indeed I don't own a tv license. I've recently for example been watching some episodes of classic who at my parents, ---- which also ties in with many of the awsome doctor who dramas that are still being made about the original doctors, (particularly sinse sinse Steven Moffat took over in 2010 the thing has gone into a real slump, indeed I now consider there to be only ten encarnations of the doctor).

Though it's not scifi, I am watching buffy the vampire slayer at the moment, sinse back at the time it was popular I didn't get to see it and though i caught a couple of episodes they were much later on and actually gave me a bad impression of the series. Sinse however I adored firefly, and Buffy is also Joss Weaden I wanted to give it a go.

It's odd, usually in sf or fantasy books and tv series I have a keen interest in the world and history and rules, indeed if you asked me what made a perfect sf or fantasy story it would be realistic, well rounded characters in fantastical situations, (hence why I hate vanilla super heroes). Buffy I'm finding odd, sinse the dialogue and situtions are just plane witty and the characters are very well put together,but the vampires and demons and such haven't yet really been other than I'd expect, for all the bad guys are awsome!

Before Buffy I watched through all of Deep space 9. I'm not a huge startrek fan, I don't know how the enterprise works or what Vulcans have for breakfast, but as a tv series and as characters I like I do often enjoy it, albeit I consider myself far more a main like Whovian, ie, a doctor who fan, than a trecky.

I particularly enjoyed ds9 the fact things had consequences and that they couldn't just roll on to the next planet, also the very well written characters in many situations. Previously I'd always held next gen to have the best cast and seen Sisco as quite dull from the episodes of Ds9 I'd seen before, but that was definitely not the case when I got the full story of the dominian war.

The only slightly odd thing about Ds9 is that this was my second watch through the hole thing,because my first was back in 2008-09 when i was first starting recovery, and honestly there were big swathes I watched but have utterly no memory of at all just from the state I was in while watching.

I also get together with my brother who is an anime fan and watch anime series. Unfortunately for many people "anime" has come to mean just stuff with lots of guns or ninjas or robots and endless battles, but actually "anime" in Japan just means animated, and there are anime of every genre from sf to drama to comedy. My brother tends to pick and choose genres, but find stuff that is on average a good story whether it's pure commic, horror or an action fest, indeed when I asked him why he watched so much annime when he didn't have a genre preference, he said that it was just because Western tv and films were so flat most of the time.

We just finished Attack on titan, which has to be one of the most unique takes on giants I've ever seen, indeed it's sort of hard to classify whether it's sf, appocalyptic or fantasy, sinse it's about a world ravaged by huge 60 foot tall giants and the people who fight them.

We now have started future diary, which is a much different series set in the modern day, about a bunch of people who get diaries that can predict each other's actions and play a deadly game to see hwo is left. It's not as serious, but the gameplay and maneuvering is good fun, indeed as a Whovian Timy Wimy future prediction complexities are definitely something I like. We'll continue when i next visit my brother, though we might take a break to watch the next series of game of thrones (as we've both read all the books), which I am very pleased to say is one thing that certainly isn't! flat. Indeed it's odd, though i find myself having to zone out on highly frequent occasions due to my genophobia for something like Game of Thrones, (Indeed I suspect there may be chaps here who find it triggering), sinse bad stuff happens, sinse not everyone is safe, and sinse it is! all about courage I'd rather watch that and find it in many ways far less depressing than some usual predictable drek. Indeed I love stories where I am emotionally invested in what is going on because it's happening to believable well put together people, and while Game of thrones, like several anime I've seen (Madoca and Elfen Leid for example), is down right harrowing, at the same time I'd rather! have that than the "Everyone is safe" mentality.

I could probably go on at great lenth about films and tv, and especially if you add books into the mix (hell I write reviews for fantasybookreview.co.uk, most recently an article on escapism, and a tribute to Sir terry Pratchett ). I could also definitely! talk at length about Doctor who, but I'll probably stop here before this post gets waaaaay too long.
 
Wow man, looks like you have a very cool hobby. I'm into music and my recovery hahahaha.
 
I also sing and write, although I've failed at both thanks to people's prejudices.

This is hard sinse my on stage singing and performing is one of the few times I really feel like I'm in touch with others, and almost the opposite of my abuse, being in control of a crowd instead of being drowned by it.

Still, never mind, I've given up on this shitty planet anyway, fiction is far more a better place to be.
 
dark empathy said:
I also sing and write, although I've failed at both thanks to people's prejudices.

This is hard sinse my on stage singing and performing is one of the few times I really feel like I'm in touch with others, and almost the opposite of my abuse, being in control of a crowd instead of being drowned by it.

Still, never mind, I've given up on this shitty planet anyway, fiction is far more a better place to be.
Yeah man? That's pretty cool, I dj too. You can check out my music here. Takes some balls to perform live.

https://soundcloud.com/jabbar-h
 
Unfortunately soundcloud and internet explorer don't get on, which is most annoying!



You can find some of my stuff Here on sendspace

Just click on each file and click where it says "click here to download" The "dark songs" folders are zip folders of voice recordings I've done at a professional studio, the avi files are clips of me doing a couple of performances such, mostly at the aims music school which is anual and about the only chance I get to do any performing at all these days.
 
Glad you like. Just a shame that I get to do it so little and so often I've been tol to piss off or given blatant excuses because people don't like disabled people on stage.
 
I'll give it a go and get back to you. Thanks for the share.
 
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