ok then

ok then
F

fightlikehell

Registrant
this is pretty long

So a couple of years ago my mom left my dad b/c he is an alcoholic... apperently she missed the part where she is as well...

But anyway she left us with our dad who had left, at her request to get sober... he was gone for 2 mos. when he came back she stuck around for about 3 more months and then left. My brother Pat didnt talk to her for 4 months, to be frank my whole family was pissed at her. Well she is getting married in september, but she likes to pretend like we are still one big happy family. she invites herself to stuff on my dad's side of the family and so on.
Well yesterday she decided to have a dinner party at my dad's house with a few of our neighbors from our old neighborhood... including my one perp and his family :mad: even when me and my younger brother both protested...in the end my brother became really upset and left the room. My mom decided to do this w/ out telling my dad, whilt the event is at his house he got mad and flipped out and then went on a two day binge ... which was tons of fun, let me tell you. And to top it all off if my mom ignores, what my younger brother and i have asked of her, and chances are she will and we are unable to get out of this. Then I am pretty sure that my older brother will figure out who it was that hurt me ... and that scares me.

I just needed to get that all off my chest

Thanks
Adam
 
Adam, this situation is so difficult because you live at home. Try to get into an outreach program, or find a counselor if you don't have one, and begin protecting yourself. Your mother sounds bad enough but having dinner with the perp?!

meantime great to have you here. Check this thread out for some assistance on the toxic mother angle:

https://malesurvivor.org/cgi-local/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic;f=1;t=007217

I also highly recommend some books on this subject that were invaluable to me, the best being:

https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0553381407/sr=8-1/qid=1154306210/ref=sr_1_1/002-3311844-8416011?ie=UTF8

Good luck Adam.

much love,

Alex
 
Adam,

The whole situation you are in is so incredibly toxic, and I know there are no easy answers.

Alex is dead right to raise the idea of a counselor - someone safe to talk to and seek help from. Your doctor could help you with this, and since you are over 16 I think whatever you say would be a legally protected confidence. It could not be reported to your parents.

You speak of being afraid that your older brother will discover who hurt you. But if you trust him, wouldn't it be a good idea to have him on your side?

The bottom line is that you and your brother need good solid local support. And once you have that it will be easier to insist on basic safety considerations...like refusing to have dinner with the man who abused you.

Much love,
Larry
 
Just wishing you safety and peace, Adam. So sorry things seem to be going to hell in your family.

Toxic parents are such a painful thing to their children. It almost sounds like you're more mature than they are, but yet you get stuck with the aftermath of their selfish excess.

I agree with Larry and Alex. Please try to take whatever steps are necessary to keep yourself and the little bro safe.

Lots of love,

John
 
Thanks guys

Its not that I don't trust my older brother, I do, alot he was the first/ only person that I actually sat down and told, but if and when he finds out I would rather it not be with the guy in the same room. I want to kill the guy just for what I suspect he did to my little brother, but Pat is more likely to act on it A) b/c he is afraid to be in the same room with the guy, B) Its not just Conor its me aswell C) He is just more likely to take something out on some one.

The getting help thing I have to work on with my dad when he comes home, which bugs me b/c i know that it stresses him out b/c i wont tell him , and he knows that i cant and then he worries, but whatever. But scince my mom wont listen to me or my brother I'm trying to get us out of teh house that day ...

Thanks
- Adam
 
Adam,

I think others here will agree with me when I stress that what you need MOST right now is to have safe adults - or at least older safe people - helping you who know what's going on. This is especially important considering that your little brother is involved as well.

From what you have said so far, I would suggest that you find a safe time and place to talk to your big brother, and see how things look from there. I think this would be a useful first step.

Much love,
Larry
 
how do you mean talk to my brother ?
About what ?
 
Adam,

What I meant was telling your big brother everything that happened, beginning to end. Not necessarily the details, but enough so he has a clear idea of what happened. From what you have said in the past I gather that he knows some things, but not the whole picture.

Much love,
Larry
 
I gave him an outline of just about everything i remembered, save for names and specifics b/c i didnt know what he could take and i didnt want him to have to think about that

- Adam
 
Adam,

I should share with you something that my T told me last November when I disclosed to my parents back in the States.

She advised me to give them what she called a "plausible framework", and by that she meant something definite that would give them a clear and accurate basis for helping me. She said that framework of information should include: 1) When the abuse began, 2) How long it lasted, 3) Who the abuser was, and 4) Some idea of "how bad".

As you can imagine, I wasn't very happy about saying anything about nos. 3 and 4! But she was right.

If I hadn't given the name of the abuser they would have wondered endlessly who had hurt their son. They would not really be able to focus their help on me. Instead, every time someone they knew from the 60s showed up they would be thinking, "Is this the one?"

Telling them what happened wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. When they asked, I just said "Everything you could imagine and a lot of things you can't". End of story.

I put this to you because I wonder if your brother needs to know who hurt you. Would it help him to help you if he knew? My guess is that it probably would help.

If you are afraid he will go off on the guy and harm him, then tell him first that you have something important to tell him, and this is confidential and he has to promise to respect your trust. Make it very clear how important this is, and then tell him.

If he takes this opportunity to ask what happened to you, all you have to say is something in general: "A lot of bad things and I can't talk about it yet". That will give him an idea in the right direction.

I'm not trying to pressure you here, I'm just suggesting some things that proved to be very important when I needed safe people to help me. Give this some honest thought and see if it might also be helpful for you as well.

Much love,
Larry
 
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