Some advice. You might try writing it down what you want to converse with your therapist before the meeting. I did. I saved all of these in my computer. Tinfoil
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May 22/2001
Teresa #1
Hi Teresa,
It's easier for me to respond to your questions after our meetings rather than during them. It's one of those little personality quirks resultant from what I lived thru.
When you asked at our last meeting why I studied incest in literature,etc since 1962 I froze up.
Two reasons. I wanted to know why my mother did it. And I needed to know how I'm supposed to act around other people so that they won't know what I am.
I think mom did it in hopes of controlling my grandfather's estate.
At the time it began my grandfather had been dead four years. My father (his son) was blowing huge amounts of money. I think mom saw the writing on the wall. Dad was sickly,immature,would die soon and mom would be left with nothing.
When dad died in 1974 my sister and I immediatly inherited our grandfather's estate. Mom was cut totally out of the will,which speaks volumes of what my grandfather thought of the woman who married his son. Total value was around $12 million.
Three days after dad died mom came into my bedroom and masturbated me. Had I showed a positive response to that she would've crawled under the sheets and we would've engaged in sexual intercourse. And from that moment on she would've owned me. I have no doubts that I would've signed over to her my half of the estate.
One thing I knew from the beginning. That this thing was'nt about sex. Mom was a cold fish. Ice cold. During all the years with my parents I never once saw either of them display affection towards one-another beyond a quick hug and a peck on the lips or cheek. And even these were rare.
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I was perfectly aware that there were two of me since the day I found the fresh towels stacked in mom's bathroom cabinent. Must've been about thirteen,then.
One made everyone happy. The other was the real me. That's one of the things I was looking for while researching incest. "What will make people not notice me?" I wanted to know how people who're engaged in incest behave. So that I could avoid giving out indications that I was one of them.
Porn movies involving incest are a joke. But the non-porn ones have helped me a lot.
I felt real panic years ago when I realized there are things about me I can't hide. The "touching without feeling" thing for instance. And not answering questions properly when asked. Like at these therapy meetings.
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I expected to die soon after mom's death. I'd thought that way since the mid 1970s. The masturbation incident was to me the last straw.
After "the game" as I called it began the concept of "family" vanished. Totally. I became a non-participant at home and at school. Mom took full control and I let her. It was easier that way. It made her happy and kept her away from me.
I recall being in Tustin High School and mom taking me shopping for clothes at Buffums on Main St in Santa Ana. She'd invariably head straight to the boy's section. Sometimes I'd burst out crying right in the store because it was so embarrassing. She'd pick out my school clothes. I had no say in the issue. Even now I cringe,thinking about it. I went thru high school during the 1960s dressed like a child in the 1940s or 50s. And of course that made me stand out like a sore thumb. There was a stairwell leading to the 2nd floor. Every day a group of kids would gather and await me as I climbed the stairs. They'd lean out above me and spit and drool on me. Or poor soft drinks on me. Every day,a rain of terror.
I was beaten so badly one day I lay unconscious in the schoolyard for two hours in a pool of bloody water. I awoke with my pants filled with shit and piss. The campus was empty. I was alone. I walked the five miles back to my parents' house,washed myself off with a garden hose and snuke back into my bedroom. I told no-one what had happened. Who could I tell and not destroy in the telling?
James, it is good that you have started, but please realize that it is a long process. Tomorrow, will be the first meeting that I have missed with my counselor in the last twenty-two(22) months, besides his days out re time out that he needed, or earned - vacation,ect. I think I am in a mid-portion of the therapy and that in itself doesn't, I think, help. But you have taken the first BIG step, and started. THAT IS GOOD, and as others say, HANG IN THERE. Bosishere