OK got pissed off big time!!!!!!!!

[James_dup1]

Well just a few minent's ago I was in a differnt chat room for survivor's, men and women. Well they were in the middle of something so I just sat and read. Then it happened. One of the women there said "Most boy's that are abused grow up to be abusive.". I couldnt believe what I was reading, he I was in a room that is soppose to be for support and they were talking like that. I told them that was a myth, and they all said NO!!! So I asked them to define "most" they said 50/50. Can you believe that 50/50. So I told them that this topic was pissing me off and if they really want to konw the facts about men that have been abused as children they should come here and I gave them the link and then just left the room with out giving a chance for anyone to respond to me. I am still in shock, Well thanks for letting me ramble.
James

 

[Marc]

James...

WTG!!!!!!!!!!

I was in a site recently that has a similar format. The discussion regarded what are called MB's or 'Money Boys' (Prostitutes).

A similar situation occurred.

It disgusts me that people who want the 'benefit of the doubt' given to them and then defend their own uneducated position on these topics.

You did right man. Don't let ANYONE. tell you differently!

BIG CLAPS to James!

 

[michael Joseph]

it is a very small percentage who do they just do a lot of damage.

I would have told her she doesnt know what she is talking about and before spreaking falsehoods like that read up on it-----------here are some dam authors. Women think they know it all some times and they hwav no idea what we as survivor go through. They also do not give us cedit what what we have done or where we came from.

The dam wold is not aware how bad the abuse is.
It is everywhere, and boys don't open there mouths as easy as girls. We get abused too, and we have feelings too. We can't let people think that that statement is true.

Love everyone one that shows up here you are my brother. You can all send Private Messages and flood my PM up. Or just add to this topic James started.

Have a great weekend guys, I plan on it.

mj soon to be 41, send money

 

[guy43]

Well -- fock 'em for being ignorant fools...

That said, I've found the problem going to mixed gender chat rooms or discussion boards is that most females have been abused by males - ergo and therefore, all males are abusive, etc. yada, yada... Then toss in the mother instinct toward protecting children from abuse where unfortunately the stats say males do most (not all) of the sexual abuse, some of their attitude is understandable in a way. This doesn't address and what the women seem to forget is that many other forms of abuse: neglect, emotional, physical happen by women.

It's a subtle form of abuse men in this society are given by women (no, this isn't the misogyny thread I hope). Pay back for centuries of oppression? We are all suspect until proven otherwise?

A touchy subject for me, can you tell I was 'raised' post-divorce in a house with two female women-libbers?

When I hear women or men making generalizations about a group of people I try to make them question what they are saying, can they really validate that all do whatever they claim.

My female friends, most of whom are divorced at this point, will engage in male bashing in my presence... I've walked away, and I've asked them to stop which they will.

The biggest battle for me is fighting all the myths and lies I carry within. I make negative generalizations about myself all the time that just aren't true, they are in fact tapes from my past.

jer

True or False:

Males are more emotionally reactive and sensitive then females?

 

[The Dean]

I'm not sure jer, but I am happy you are learning to erase the tapes.

Has anyone seen any stats on how many male survivors of CSA were perped by a female? That might be a good stat to have handy. We do not want a fight with people who hurt as we do, but ignorance is a very harmful thing.

Bob

 

[Lloydy]

James
good for you friend ! say it like it is, the TRUTH never hurt anyone.

But it does piss them off if it doesn't fit in with their ideas, like I care ??????????

the people who stick to their misguided ideas are people I don't want to be around, but I would do exactly the same as you James, tell them the truth - and hope it sinks in.

Jer

That said, I've found the problem going to mixed gender chat rooms or discussion boards is that most females have been abused by males - ergo and therefore, all males are abusive, etc. yada, yada... Then toss in the mother instinct toward protecting children from abuse where unfortunately the stats say males do most (not all) of the sexual abuse, some of their attitude is understandable in a way.

You're right here, I've experienced exactly the same thing on mixed sites, and the women expect ( rightly ) that we show them respect for their hurt.
But when they become "righteous" about it and start demanding our balls on a plate I think they have a lot to learn.

Perhaps it's time to go on the offensive and spread the word about Male Survivors ?

Dave

 

[Mike Church]

James you did exactly the right thing. They just dont get it.

Marc also was in a sight

I was in a site recently that has a similar format. The discussion regarded what are called MB's or 'Money Boys' (Prostitutes).

I was one of those boys and let me tell you it was pure hell. I knew it then and I know it now. We did not choose to be there but we had sunk so low into the PIT of DOOM that nothing could cause us to seek sanctuary. As a perp and an MB. Give me a break. I thought that once. I let all those kinky perverted souls use and abuse my body cause I wanted to die and did not have the balls to do it myself.

James

I am still in shock, Well thanks for letting me ramble.

First off the shock part. How can they know, or worse they just dont want to know. Rambling I would never attribute to you James. Pissed off yes but never rambling.

I am glad you are taking the walks with your wife and smelling the flowers so to speak.

Be gentle with yourself ok my brother

Mike

 

[Wuamei]

James,

You go bro!

Actually if I'm remembering right & I will check when I can its estimated at most 20% of boys who are abused go on to abuse. Doubt if the percentage
is much different for females tho I've seen no stats. That's part of the problem, the stats are biased toward the ass-u-mption that men are perps & females are victims. Ken Singer may have more info on this.

Jer,

Maybe this is why I don't go to other survivor sites anymore, haven't in some time; of course I'm a bit biased here! Half of my perps but the vast majority of my abuse was by females. Do I think all women are abusive? NO. I used to. But then I thot the same of all men too.

Bob,

I'll check on your question. I know recently in my research I ran across some stats on this. If I'm remembering right it was about 50-50; if so 1/2 of the perps of males are females. That's just how it is in my case.

Perhaps it's time to go on the offensive and spread the word about Male Survivors ?

Dave yes I think it is! Time to fly in the face of "political correctness." If it offends anyone, so what? I find our abuse rather offensive, not to mention how it is minimized in comparison with the abuse of females.

No I don't want to female bash--I'm a bit outnumbered in my house anyway! Just want to level the playing field and get all of us on the same team if we can!

Victor

 

[ernie]

WTG James, they just don't get it. They haven't walked in the shoes, they just find a place to blame..................or to judge others.
Just look how the numbers here have grown in just a short time member #1223 today. That does not include those that just look at the site.
The real scope of the issue of male SA is just coming to lite. Yes sorrow for the abused female as well however, don't point a finger or determine that I am going to be (or was) an abuser myself, I have enough guilt to carry on my own.
Absolutely correct Victor, awareness is very necessary. The more I read the posts from these brave men, the more I hope some how, there can be something put together with the spouse (or sig other) to help the SA victum work through all that needs to be done. Understanding the issues I believe is the first step towards supportive healing.
Bob
Bob

 

[guy43]

James,

Way to go with your response. Isn't it amazing how threads like this can evolve?

Bob(TheDean),

Yeah, I'm not sure either. Maybe it doesn't matter in the long run - both genders need to be aware of each other's strengths and weaknesses.

Dave,

Batter up eh? (hehe, ouch)

Perhaps it's time to go on the offensive and spread the word about Male Survivors ?

Yeah, be nice if it ever happens. But who/how/when will the word be spread?

Victor,

I hope I'm not a bigot or m.s.p. (ha, figure it out lad). I used to use the label 'feminist', but then came across the term 'humanist' which I like best of all, and now I try to not use labels to describe myself (to myself mostly). Can't seem to get away from the buggers.

Although this site is geared toward males, it seems to me that MS has done a good job in not turning into a female bashing site.

jer

 

[Wuamei]

Over 80% of abused boys do not go on to abuse as adults (taken from "TEN FACTS ABOUT SEXUAL ABUSE OF BOYS AND ITS AFTERMATH" off our main page). Gotta wonder what % of abused girls go on to abuse as adults--my mother did; my aunt & babysitters probably also fit here too. For me that is probably 100%.

As to the % of perpetrators of SA against boys that are female, here is fact #4 from "TEN FACTS":

Boys are most commonly abused by males (between 50 and 75%). However, it is difficult to estimate the extent of abuse by females, since abuse by women is often covert. Also, when a woman initiates sex with a boy he is likely to consider it a "sexual initiation" and deny that it was abusive, even though he may suffer significant trauma from the experience.

So at least 25% were female when this was written.
Somewhere I've got more recent stats that indicated about half if I can find them. No doubt this is much closer to the truth.

Pardon me while I try not to get too steamed up about this matter which really touches a nerve with me most of my abuse having been by females. Also I'm reading a book right now which while otherwise pretty good is somewhat feminist & male bashing.

But it is a reminder that I am correct in my thots
that a book in this particular area with a more balanced perspective is needed (also that we have a ways to go men, but we're getting there!).

Can I write such a book? Sure why not: I'm an equal opportunity basher--I bash male & female!

Hopefully since 1/2 my perps were male & 1/2 female, I can provide that balanced perspective with the help of my fellow survivors. Male & female.

OK exit soap box stage left...

Victor

 

[lauraanimal]

while i may not be a male survivor, i am a female survivor. i was abused by both. out of my 6 abusers only one was female, never the less it made me question my sexuality for a while. my family moved when i was around 7-8 out into the country and away frrom my abusers. however it didnt stop there, i inturn turned around and "played house and doctor" with a neighborhood boy. i tought him how to play it and he was younger than i.

it sickeness me to think women out there want to understanding from men for what they went threw, but dont want to give it to men. thats just wrong!!! im my perspective it should be equal all the way around. if i want understanding then i should give it as well. they should also face up to the facts of what they have done, i wonder how many women out there admit that they went on to abuse, weather it was a male or a female they abused?

i have seen threw my husband and threw this site, how hard it is for men to admit and accept it, as well as how hard they fight not to be an abuser themselves. yet i have "NEVER" heard of a woman talk about how hard they fight not to be an abuser and to change what they was tought. i'm not saying that there isnt, but in the many sites i have visited i havent seen it or heard of it. i wonder what the %age is of women out there that will say that outloud? some women i have known and seen wear there abuse like a badge....i sure dont see to many men doing that. or trying to use it to there advantage, but i have women, threw my own personal knowledge of women i have known. and i have known a lot of people both male and female who has been sa'ed against. not one man has worn it like a baged to get attention, sympathy, special treatment, or some personal gain by it. but i sure have seen a lot of women do it.

i will say that i have noticed "both" male and females dont think the other oppisit sex is understanding enough, and i think this is where the change needs to be, i think both needs to be understanding of eachother. then and only then will there not be male or female bashing where abuse comes into play.

just my opinion, and you know what they say about them, there like arse wholes, everyone has them but they all usualy stink.

Laura

 

[outis]

i will say that i have noticed "both" male and females dont think the other oppisit sex is understanding enough, and i think this is where the change needs to be, i think both needs to be understanding of eachother.

Laura,

I think you pegged it right there. Just as it takes effort to understand ourselves and our motivations, the effect(s) of our histories, it takes effort to understand one another. Especially when we come to relationships from such different places, whether due to genetics, society, personal history, some other things, or some combination of all of the above. It is so much easier to expect others to change. But good things are worth working for, and we have to make the efforts to reap the rewards.

As for attitudes in male and female survivors, I have noticed in the SIA meetings that we have a lot more in common than we have differences. I have to travel a long way to get to the meeting that I attend, because the women that meet closer to my home don't want a man in the group. But I can understand that and accept it. It's how they are choosing to heal, and if there is some ignorance behind part of that attitude, well, that's something they will have to deal with if they keep healing.

Anybody been in a mixed group in a more formal setting, i.e., therapy led by a professional? What did you notice concerning differences and/or similiarities in how men and women heal?

Thanks,

Joe