Oh happy denial...

[scooter]

I just went through a hard couple months without any reprieve and then the last month has been really good. I have accepted more and am not putting on masks with my wife (esp. that of happiness and being past all of it). I feel how I feel and I can own and express it.

I am not having the "elated" moods and extreme denial and am finding deep peace and am really seeing and accepting myself. But I still hate to talk about my abuse and it still sets me off. I just talked about it with my priest again and saw how I dissociate still when talking about it. I especially don't want to lose control of my emotions in front of anyone (except my wife now).

The thing that I'm facing now is I want to tell my best friend and his wife. My wife and I are good friends with them and we want their prayers and support. And I feel safe telling them.

They live out of town and we see them every couple months. I've been wanting to tell them the last few months, but when we get together I find I can't. They are in town this weekend and we were going to get together for dinner, but I completely blew off calling them because I don't want to talk about it.

I'm afraid that talking about it and becoming vulnerable all over again is going to throw me out of this place of peace that seems so fragile. But it is in breaking the silence that I always find deeper peace. I hate that I cannot do what I need to do and that when I do it takes so long.

I don't know what the point of this post is. I guess I wonder, esp. for those further along in recovery, if this place of deeper peace and understanding will ever feel less fragile.

 

[roadrunner]

Scooter,

Yes, the place of deeper peace and understanding, as you call it, will indeed feel less fragile because you will actually trust it.

Once you know and believe the real truths about yourself as a survivor, the big step yet to be taken is to TRUST these truths. Like trusting a skydiving instructor or the weather reporter who says the ice on the lake is thick enough to drive trucks on. It's a trust we know we have to act on in order to really see it as trust.

What I would propose to you Scooter, is thus that you are not falling apart and losing ground, you are facing the new challenges that always appear to confront us when we have made real progress.

Much love,
Larry

 

[John Oarc]

Disclosing has its ups and downs, I found that when I told my friends I felt good at first and then began feeling mistrust, like they would think I could molest their children or something. Then I would feel strong again and not feel any paranoia at all. In time I felt normal around them every time. I struggle like you with being afraid of upsetting my balance by furthering my recovery. I find myself asking "do you want to go that far" and the answer is simply how much can I handle right now. I tend to do too much at once and then regret it later. I just feel like I want to be at the end and try to rush in to it without thinking so I would say take your time and it will happen when the timing is right.

Great post Scooter it helped me realize I need to slow down and take some time to breathe in some mellow time.