Oh God what have I done

This is the main reason why most abuse stories never sees the light of the day, as most are met with disbelief, hysteria and worse still condemnation and rejection. I am glad you have been through this and survived. Hope things are better now at your end.

Most victims feel that they would be never believed, or it will be all thrown back at them. So they go into a shells as that is only way they know how to keep their secret abuse story, a secret. They get buried along.

I was also hurt at my families' silence for years but then I realized that when I couldn't understand it having lived with it for all my years, it was too hard of me to expect them to understand me or offer any form assistance, they were as stunned as I was for many, many years by it. And that probably explained their silence, as for the sexual issues I doubt whether they would have had any positive to offer than confusion themselves.

It is hard lesson being family to a survivor and trying to be supportive and loving while your whole world is collapsing at the same time. God bless them all those souls, who have, having a survivor as a spouse, a part of their life script. Brave souls, those who find enough soul stamina in themselves, to honour their soul contract to live with a survivor.

All the best to you,

MS
 
... i've been exactly where fi was and i'd like to prevent someone else from reacting the way she did and the way i did ... so, if you just found out your husband or boyfriend was abused, use fi's post and the responses, and my old post linked below, as a guide on how NOT to react to a disclosure of abuse ...

... what a survivor needs the most is to just know they are loved as always, that you will stand by them and that the abuse wasn't their fault ... it's a scary time for all involved, but that's the only way to move forward ... and if you do, you get to see the miracle of someone realizing their own worth and discovering their true self ... and it's amazing ...

https://www.malesurvivor.org/board/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Board=2&Number=141304&Searchpage=1&Main=21352&Words=+selene&topic=0&Search=true#Post141304

hugs,
selene
 
Thank God for this old thread. If you're still out there, Fi, I'd sure like to know how it's going for you.

I'm new to the role of "supporter" as I've recently connected the dots of my husband's two year run of infidelity with a family member and prostitutes to his abuse when he, like your survivor, was just 16 years old.

I'm struggling to understand how it all fits together; how the abuse that took place 30+ years ago has so catastrophically affected our once happy, secure, trusting life together.

Like you, I want to be supportive- I want to be his hero! But it's terrifying because what happened to him is a very real threat to us, to our family...and certainly to me personally.

I understand your kneejerk reaction. Though it was far less than you wanted it to be, it was an honest, understandable reaction to a clear and present danger. I understand that you and I will only be able to defuse that danger by properly supportinng.

Now,...how to properly support him... there's the question!

Blessings-
herowannabe
 
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