Oh God what have I done

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Oh God what have I done
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fi

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I don't know where to begin.

I am angry at my partner and at the same time so ashamed and wanting these feelings to go away with all my heart because I love him so much. We have a baby girl and until yesterday were a happy family. He is 35, I'm 21.

What I am about to say may shock some people, I want to say despite what anyone thinks I am not coming here for anyone to agree with what I've done. I have come here to rectify these feelings that are destroying us.

My partner told me 2 days ago he was sexually abused. He has mentioned it before and had not wanted to go anywhere further discussing it with me. It has plaugued me for ages thinking what he had gone through. He told me he had counselling five years ago and it was all better.

Then we had a fight. In a fit of rage (I am so ashamed of this) I demanded he tell me what went on.

He told me the following.
When he was 15 turning 16 he was abused by a much older man. He used to go to this mans house over a period of 3-4 months and he didn't describe what went on but mentioned the words "sex". He said the man was a friend of a friend and gave him alcohol and pot in return for favours.

This is where it gets even worse. I hit the roof. I called him a faggot and a prostitute, I said how could he not be gay or bisexual if he had repeatedly gone to this mans house for months every day, sober knowing what was going to happen there. How could have be repeatedly sexually aroused and engaged in sexual activity with him if this wasn't the case? I hear of fear reactions but this was recurring daily. I see he was manipulated, he was young, but I don't see how he was young enough to be completely forced into it. He wasn't he actively went from choice, not under hypnosis or physical force but the pursuit of pleasure.

It is disgusting how I feel devestated not for him but for me. I fear because of the incident it somehow says he has an interest in men, even though it was so long ago and even though he calls it abuse. I want to see it as abuse but I cant.

he left me with the baby. The next day I was even more angry, I swear it feels like he betrayed me, and I know how utterly wrong and selfish and repugnant that is. My head knows he is a victim, my heart wont accept it even though I love him more than anything. I questioned him again this time he said it was masterbation and pornos and no sexual contact with the man. He would not tell me anymore than that. He changed the story the next day, so he was 14 instead of 16 and changed it to masterbation. he has now fully left me and I cannot contact him. Understandably he is deeply hurt and upset by my lack of compassion and my refusal to believe him.

I have a baby, I am not coping, I need help. I am so sorry if this post has offended anyone or is written with bad spelling and confusion. I have not eaten or slept in days and even after seeing a psych, the anger at him is still growing. It feels like the world has caved in and my husband has rejected me. I know this is so far from the truth, but why cant I believe it? I want him back and love him but am so angry.
Does anyone understand why I am feeling this way? Has anyone ever reacted like this? Is it normal?

WHAT HAVE I DONE.
 
Find someone to help you take care of your baby.

Go to a friend or relative. Tell them that you fought with your husband and are stressed out, and that you want to make sure your child is in good hands while you get yourself together. If this is not an option for you, try your pediatrician's office for resources, or call a crisis line.

If you are still seeing that psych, ask about postpartum depression.
 
Fi,

First of all, I don't blame you at all for how you reacted. It was unfortunate, okay; but you lashed out emotionally because you were so unprepared for what you were hearing. But bear in mind that survivors often have that happen. Yes, it is devastating, but the bottom line is that society STILL does not prepare us for the terrible news that a boy can be sexually molested.

I am drawn to your post because what happened to your partner also happened to me. I was groomed and cajoled as a boy into the abuser's trap, and I was quickly overwhelmed and utterly confused by his lies and tricks.

Ultimately I too just went with him and did what he wanted. Not one time, but many. But not because I liked it or was attracted by rewards; quite the contrary - he was a sadist and rejoiced in any opportunity to hurt, shame and humiliate me.

The reason was that by then all of my sense of worth and value as a boy had been destroyed. I genuinely thought that I wasn't good for anything other than to be raped by him or to perform with another boy for his amusement. When a kid has descended into this dark place, my friend, there is NOTHING he won't do for the slightest sign of approval or attention. That is just one of the very sad aspects of what sexual abuse of children is all about, and it explains why your partner could return to the abuser time after time and still feel terrified and ashamed about what was happening. This isn't about a rational adult; we are talking about a devastated child for whom all the world seems hostile and unsafe.

Much love,
Larry
 
Fi
most days between the age of 11 and 16 I had sex with one or more older boys and a teacher, I was at a boarding school. In the school holidays I had no sex, and eventually I began to look forward to returning to school for the sex.

And to this day I have had sex with more males than females, but I'm not gay. I'm 52 years old and been married for nearly 32 of those years, and my wife knows all about my past, and the more recent past when I cruised for casual sex with strange men.

Being abused doesn't mean that a man goes on to be gay, or abuse children either.
It's far more complex than that, my view is that being gay or straight is something determined by other other influences and quite possibly genetics. The sexual experiences we had as kids are a PART of those influences, but not the overwhelming one.

The reason we kept going back to our abusers has a lot to do with what they offer us, which can be anything from drink and drugs to the emotional needs a kid needs and might not be getting from the 'right' places.
At my boarding school there was no room for affection, we were apart from our families, and in my case they were not a family that showed love and afection, so someone taking an interest in us, providing a need, will always seem attractive.

Perp's know this, and they can sense a vulnerable kid a mile off and then adjust the way they groom kids to suit their needs, that's the perp's needs not the kids. It's a cynical and manipulative method that employs lies and tricks to make the kid grateful for what the perp offers, the kid 'agrees' to sex in return. It's a crap deal.

Your anger and reactions are I think due to misunderstanding the enormity of the possible effects abuse can have on someone, even as an adult.
And I don't say that to belittle you, far from it, I admire the fact that you've posted here and asked some very pertinent questions, and stated some strong views. There's nothing wrong with that at all, in fact it shows that you want to understand a bit more about what he's feeling and been through.
Abuse of children is something that the majority of people rightly despise, but barely understand. They have no need to until they are faced with it, like you are now.

Some people can't deal with it at all, but most people - after the initial shock - seek information, they begin to learn and discover that what happened to that person as a child wasn't because the child actually wanted it to happen. Kid's don't volunteer to be abused, it's why civilised countries have laws against it.

I hope you stick around and continue to learn about how adults react, behave and most importantly, RECOVER from their abuse.
We do recover, and recovery with love and support from our partners is just wonderful.

Take care
Dave
 
I remember telling my wife that I was being with someone else. A male. I wanted to start over and be clean, no lies. She freaked, and rightly so. It was called adultery by any name. It was wrong to engage in. I was looking for my own identity in someone else, because I had a lousy sense of self. Of maleness, if that makes sense. Ok, that was as an adult, although a young one. I have often struggled with the idea that I should have resisted harder and more when I was molested as a boy. I believed that I made an adult descision at the age of 11-12, to continue the relationship. I have been kicking my own butt hard for a long time. Your partner has an open wound, and you have the option to help him heal. Easy ? No. Essential? Yes. You say you "love" him. "Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects,always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails." I Corinthians 13:4,8. I'm sure you feel duped and lied to.Your dream was shattered. He was quiet for this very reason. In my opinion, you owe him a sincere heartfelt apology.It's the only way he'll open up to you. He's a wounded guy but I'm sure you have your baggage too. You two get to deal with this crap now, but it'll be worth it. Much love D.
 
I echo everything that's been said thus far. But I'm curious if you had explored with your psych your emotions to his past disclosure. It sounds like your feelings have been building up and got the best of you in the heat of the moment.

Courage-Wisdom-Spirituality
 
What a wonderful forum. I thankyou all for your replies. I have read all and written parts down.

I must say that these thoughts are not just related to the abuse. They have been simmering for a while, but when he mentioned the abuse that was the icing on the cake. To me it was like an active consensual relationship and that makes me want to vomit since I felt that if it was then his urges wouldn't go away.
I have apologised to him, but had to say I'm working out my feelings so I can be more supportive. It would be a lie otherwise. I was hysterical when I wrote that original post, I have since called my parents and thankfully they are helping today with our daughter.

I have behaved like an animal, I know I do love him, but my anger is my real barrier. You'd think I was the victim the way I'm behaving. It has made me realise I am not as mature as once thought and actually have no idea about sexual abuse or even sexuality. Its not even homosexuality find abhorrent, I have gay friends, its the fact someone else was fufilling a need in the man I love in a way I never could. Warped I know.

SAR- Thankyou for your advice, I have been suffering in silence for ages with not so much PND but repressed anger. I am studying as well and am feeling guilty about other things like the fact we aren't married plus a million other issues. I need to find someone to talk to.

Larry- Your advice helped a lot. I am so sorry that ordeal happened to you, I can see you are very strong person despite what that man did. I know my partner was preyed on in the same way as you were, but he was looking for a father figure as well. If my partner explained in a little more detail how he was feeling at the time and what his motivations were instead of silence and leaving me, I could have been more compassionate. That is not to say it was his fault, I already had assumptions in my head and his lack of ifo about the assault simply prooved what I was fearing.

Lloydy: From your post it has become apparent that man can in some ways use sex for something other than an expression of romantic and eternal love between people. Homosexuality is something not simply based on male on male sexual experience. Its clearly something deeper, I'm trying to get my head around that so I can stop this anger, and be there for him.

Dewy: I reacted like your wife it sounds, but the fact is, his relationship was not current and was when he was a child. I was viewing the situation as if I actually had been cheated on. I have been praying about it and I feel that I am being given some peace for a minute or two when I do this. It is like I am being told that my love is a lot stronger than this and if I take on my attitude the way I am, I am the same as the man who abused him. I feel like his evil presence is lurking all around me at the moment. He is dead. I don't mean that literally but I hope you get my drift.

Born to resist: Thanks for your words -It definetly was heat of the moment, but why am I still fighting these feelings??
 
Fi
I'm so glad you came back, I thought you would.

Love means different things to different people, but you can't get away from the 'thing' that made you fall in love in the first place.
Whatever it was, it's still there somewhere, just waiting to be found again.

Dave
 
Hey everyone, I thought I would just update you on what has happened. I was able to find that love Dave spoke about under this anger, and it is much stronger and more powerful feeling than my misguided fury.

He has come back we have talked, I have asked for his forgiveness, admitted I was totally wrong and have tried to explain I reacted that way because I had a false idea of what actually happened and its implications on our relationship. We were able to talk properly without our daughter here which helped a lot. I hope those feeligns don't return, but if they do I will write them down or tell them to an anonymous phone counsellor rather than to him. I will not probe him about it any further.

the hardest thing is the look in his eye. i have hurt him beyond belief. He is the kindest most gentle loving man, he really has this spirit that is so pure. I can see why he was preyed upon. He has forgiven me yet the look of pain is still in his eyes. He says he has started having nightmares about it.

While the situation is far from perfect we at least know that our love and family is stronger than this evil. The hurt is still there, I have undone wounds and don't know how to regain trust but I can make my attitude towards him better in the future. As I said before other issues were involved and these are being discussed and worked through. He is not gay or bisexual and I can now believe him, though it is sad it has come to this for me to be able to do so.

I only found this forum yesterday and it has played a big part in saving our relationship. I have looked at heaps of threads and now have more idea on what he went through.

Thankyou all, I will be back soon
Peace
Fi
 
Fi,

Your last post is beautiful and full of hope and love. I happy for you.

Don't beat yourself up too much over the feelings of anger and mistrust you have. They are a normal reaction to an abnormal situation. While the two of you need to work on your marriage and your lives together you also need to work on yourselves individually for the pains you suffer. That is totally normal.

I still fight with myself over trust issues with my b/f, but it's getting better. I'm more vigilant for sure; I hate that, but it's necessary for me and for us. The fact that my b/f doesn't talk to me alot about what he's feeling is difficult, but I have to respect his boundaries and realize that I'm not his therapist, I'm his girlfriend. I don't have to "make" him talk, I just have to be there if he wants to.

Keep learning. The more your learn, the more you'll be able to deal with whatever comes.

ROCK ON...........Trish
 
Fi,

I'm glad you're back to the site, calmer, and starting to see a bigger picture with lots more details. I heartily endorse all of the foregoing posts, but want to make one brief, blunt point:
I called him a faggot
Click to expand...
You NEVER have a right, even in anger, to use such hateful words. I know you've said you're remorseful and have apologized, and I believe you. But please think of this: If you have ever cringed when you heard a man call a woman, perhaps even yourself, a "bitch," a "'ho," or most horribly, by a vulgar euphemism for the vagina, you might have some sense of what any man, gay or straight and however well adjusted, feels when that word is hurled at him as a put-down. You attacked his very maleness, and called him unworthy simply for having engaged in acts that did not, nor ever could, make him any less male, manly, or masculine. Yes, I was very shocked by what you wrote. I thank you for your honesty in expressing how angry you were. By having spoken as you did, however, you demeaned yourself more than you meant to demean your partner. In addition to all of the above wisdom, I'd suggest that you spend some time reviewing your own notions about maleness and masculinity. You have made a good step in the right direction; keep working on it.

John
 
fi :) I am glad your parents are there for you and that you and your partner were able to talk without the baby for a while.

I am not much older than you, my partner and I are also unmarried with kids. I know what it is like to be busy, angry, overwhelmed and to have to deal with some pretty shocking disclosures from a partner in the middle of everything.

You say:
its the fact someone else was fufilling a need in the man I love in a way I never could
Click to expand...
This is a LIE. Abuse is NEVER about the needs of the victim. Abusers "groom" their victims by learning, or sensing, just enough of what the child needs so that they can turn around and tell the child-- "I know about you; this thing that I am giving you IS the thing you need--" and the child wants his needs filled so badly that he accepts that lie. The child's needs are never met-- the burden of the abuser's need, the guilt, shame, secrecy are piled on top of them until he's so confused that he can't separate the lies about himself from the truth.

You mention "other issues"-- adult survivors can bring a lot of troubling, destructive behaviors to a relationship. When my partner disclosed his sexual abuse to me, I had one foot out the door already-- and to be honest, I didn't choose to stay with him because of his abuse history. I stayed with him because once he began recognizing the impact of the abuse on his life, and getting help, his behavior and our whole relationship changed for the better. Two and a half years after his disclosure we are stronger than we've ever been.

Whatever has happened between the two of you-- not what's in his past but in your shared past-- will need to be addressed at some point, and if his actions have damaged the relationship he needs to be responsible for that and make changes-- but give it some time-- and give him some time to rebuild trust in himself, and in you. Keep coming here and talking it out when you feel impatient or upset.

SAR
 
would it be any eaiser to take if he had been 5 years old ? if he had been beaten ,threatened ,or forced to do things ?i don't think your reaction was in any way wrong ,but i can tell you that he has the exact same questions about it that you do .he feels the same disgust and revulsion that you feel ,he hates what happened to him even more than you do , he hates himself and has ever since it happened please understand i'm not trying to say you did anything wrong there is no wrong or right here but when we experience negetive reactions to our abuse it just proves that we are right about ourselves ,we are disgusting we are somehow soiled or dirty ,we don't deserve to be happy we don't deserve anything ,this is how he must be feeling now ,he is not angry with you he is angry with himself because he thinks the abuse was his fault ,he couldn't be more wrong ,in my case i fought and fought untill he offered me something i needed so bad ,safety ,i realized if i did what he said ,i didn't get beaten uncouncious ,or locked in the closet ,i got food and a chance to heal from the last beating ,i also discovered that if i was very good at what he wanted it would be over much quicker ,so i became very good at whatever he wanted .while my case is different ,i was held captive i had no chioce to go back or not the effects are the same we sold our souls for whatever we needed to survive ,in my case it was safety in your husbands case it may have just been for the attention from an older man ,maybe he didn';t get it from his dad ,to him it was just as important as surviving and staying alive was to me .i hope this might help you see what he is feeling a little better ,and please believe i'm not saying you did anything wrong ok?
you would be amazed what a young boy will do to be loved and made to feel special if he is not getting these things from a parent ,it's not the sex that made him feel good it is the feeling of mattering ,of being something to somebody ,the sex is just the currency of crazy people. maybe you should show him this site the people here can help both of you .i truly belive that sex had nothing to do with what he was getting form the abuse .it was what the abuser wanted but not that boy .also if every boy who gets abused becomes gay then there should be millions more gay guys out there,it's like saying every boy who gets abused becomes an abuser ,it just don't work that way . adam
 
Fi,

Firstly welcome to all of us here at this site. Im also a survivor of male childhood sexual abuse. Mine was in the family environment and therefore referred to as incest. That brings its own unique (but probably not worse) effects than anybody else. Ive only come face to face with my abuse and my very much needed recovery these last 6 months. It was been a very emotional and turbulent time for me.

Fi, Id also like to tell you that I normally dont read many posts in this Family & Friends section. Ive got so many issues myself to work through that I often dont feel I have anything more to give to the other people in the lives of abuse victims, however something drew me to your post.

I want you to know that I dont judge nor condemn you in your initial response and actions to your husband when he gave you more detailed information about his abuse. Everybody will respond in a different way and there is no text book style of perfect responses. As Larry (Roadrunner) said our society doesnt prepare us for how to deal with these revelations. Heck, it mostly tries to pretend this type of thing doesnt even exist, or if it does then surely all victims must have asked for it anyway. Wrong. Please, dont crush yourself over your initial response. As Ive read your replies, already youve seen your husbands return so all is not lost.

Im 38 and my wife knows about my abuse but of course doesnt really understand fully what goes on inside my head. For that fact, I dont think I do half of the time either. I have started seeing a Therapist (never thought I would) and that has been SO very helpful to me and therefore my relationship with my wife.

I think I recall somewhere in your posts Fi that you also felt abused. Certainly this does affect you as it affects him, but in different ways. Just this week my therapist pointed out that as one person in a relationship enters therapy, the other partner does too, even if they never attend. Thats because they are a part of the abused victims life and their recovery. You are both on this journey together and there will be pain as you already know. There will also be joy as you see your hubby getting better and your marriage will also get better and more fulfilling.

Fi, like anybody I guess who has not been abused themselves, its so hard to understand whats going on now, how it has affected the victim and even how it can happen in the first place. There are no doubt many questions you have. Some your husband may not be able to tell you, maybe not yet, maybe never, or maybe never in a way that you can fully understand. This is all good though amazingly. You have the ability and resources to help get answers to many of those questions without having to get those from your husband.

There are many excellent books recommended in this site. Ive bought 4 already and they have helped me incredibly and I know (when my wife reads them) they will help her understand me also. These will be great for you to read if you can. You will gain a very good understanding about childhood abuse. It can only help. The site has menu links at the top of each page. Click on Bookstore and youll find them there.

Many partners of survivors also see a therapist themselves. That sounds like good stuff to do but I would say make sure that its someone who specialises in male child sexual abuse (and yes he was still a child at 16).

Fi, keep posting, reading, sharing and being a part of this community. I wish you both an awesome recovery journey.
 
Hey Fi,

You've hit on something with the honesty of your posts. I'm glad you've found this resource and hope you use it. I am a survivor, and I sought advice here before disclosing. Friends here can be a great sounding board when your trying to sort out thoughts about painful and complex issues.

In one post you seem to berate yourself for acting like you were a victim. Don't beat yourself up for those feelings. I think it is fair for you to feel victimized.

I understand that issues intertwine, and arguments can be intense, but I'd like to put in a plea for caution.

Yes, survivors bring a lot of issues into a relationship. But so do people with no history of abuse. Survivor issues have to be explored, but they might not necessarily be behind all difficulties.

As to your word choice. For me to read your intitial post about calling your husband "faggot" was very scary to me and hurt deeply.


As I read that first post, I found myself really thinking you need therapy together. I don't blame you for your feelings, but unless you can express them more constructively, you will both experience unnesecary pain. Healing can be painful enough, let's not hurt more than we need to.

I'm glad you've had a chance to apologize in person. It sounds like things are heading on teh right track.

I had a good therapist with whom I could talk about a lot of things and who was supportive. Even so, I had a hard time making eye contact with her. I realized I was ashamed of what she knew about me.

Shame might influence how your partner communicates with you now. That came to my mind when you talked about a look in his eye.

If he said "sex" in one disclosure and talked about masturbation in another, he did not necessarily change his story. As for changing the age, that can be confusing,too, but what does that matter. Do you feel like his story is less credible now, that he's hiding something? Do you really want to know everything? Think about it.

I'm rambling. Fi, I really think you're to be commended. We'll all make mistakes in relationships and on journeys to healing. Let's try to stick up for ourselves and each other at the same time.

Peace, L2R
 
Fi,
One thing that I didn't read in the discussion was that of male nurturing. I myself was a victim of sexual abuse at a very early age and one of the things that happens to survivors is they can become cut off from anykind of nurturing or ability to be vulnerable. I would think it hard enough in this aspect for any man living in this day and age let alone one who is sexually abused. I think in that moment your husband really needed you to love him and understand him. He opened to you his most vulnerable self and you rejected him. Please don't think I'm lashing out at you, I just think that it may help you to be aware of this possibility. It is incredibly hard in this day and age for a man to be that open and society in general frowns upon men showing anykind of weakness or vulnerability. I wonder if your anger around him was your thinking that he wasn't living up to your expectation of what a man SHOULD be? Maybe you could think about what your ideas are around men, and what role you think they fulfill in your life. Is it possible that he is not the knight in shining armour you thought he was? No man is but beleive me a man who can be vulnerable is really a stronger man.
Please don't get me wrong because I genuinely feel that you are trying your utmost to remedy this situation and I truly commend you on your effort. This is what people need to do in these situations. It is also okay that you have these feelings they should be aknowledged.
I hope my words have helped you in some way.
AplF
 
Fi

6-7 Months ago I was pretty much where you are. It does get better. The very fact that you looked for and found this site says a lot about your committment to understanding and loving this man.

From experience its quite a journey you guys are on. Good luck,learn all you can and get support for you.

Love
Tracy
 
Hi Fi,

You have definitely had some strong feelings about recent occurrences. It is good that you have found this board to help you. The guys here are very supportive and understanding. It sounds like you are progressing nicely.

When I hear of or see someone react with such strong emotions, I usually think to myself what is that really about? Usually in my experience with myself and other people I find that there is something beneath those strong feelings that is really the true issue. You hit on this briefly in one of your posts, when you said

" its the fact someone else was fufilling a need in the man I love in a way I never could. Warped I know."

You need some healing as wells as your partner. If you want to continue with processing your feelings this is one area that may help for you to review. The idea being what were you really feeling beneath all of that.

If I was in your situation, I would ask myself the following questions:

How would I feel if it was a woman instead of a man?
Do I have the same feelings regarding any of his other past sexual relations? If so, what does that mean?
What am I really feeling insecure about that provoked such a reaction?

My guess is that you were scared, did not know what this all meant about you, him etc, and confused. All normal feelings to have.

It sounds to me like you did the best you could in the moment and now you are doing it differently and things are working out better. As long as you continue to remain open and willing to be supportive things will be fine and you both will continue to grow, build a beautiful life together and heal together.

Take care of you, your baby and your partner.

Love and Light
 
hey. i was abused from 14-17 and i always struggle with "its not abuse." "i was old enough to know and make choices" which i think thats what you think as well. he was old enough to know what he was doing. and yeah he did. and i did. but as wrong as it seems, i wanted it. this man showed me affection and attention that i wanted and made me feel special. it wasnt just about "sex." it was about all the other stuff that came with going to this man. but on the subject of sex. even if you aren't gay, you will respond to stimulation and will probably enjoy it because thats how our bodies are wired. our bodies dont know if we are being touched by a male or female. so i would cut him some slack on that part. you can't help being turned on by it.
 
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