oh god someone please help me

oh god someone please help me
L

lipsticklullabies

Registrant
it so amazing how sudden it can start.
i had an okay day, i mean i just got a new car day before yesterday so,
ive been in a good mood.
i just read a couple posts on here and just all this stuff just hurts me so bad to read, like i hurt for you guys and i hurt for me..
but i just read a specifc post on here, im not gonna say which one cause it doesn't matter and i dont want him to think he caused any part of this lovely metal breakdown im currently having.
but in my head i just started yelling no please stop please stop no no no please stop
and i just couldn't stop saying it over and over again in my head.
and it sstill going
i just wanna scream it outloud, i feel like maybe if i scream it loud enough my past will hear it and none of this would have happened.

do you think if i knew who it was id hurt as bad?
do you think id be worse off
do you think id be hurting just as bad but on a different level

i WANT to know who it was.
im so frustrated not knowing who to blame or who to be afraid of
what if it was my dad.
what if it was my uncle.
what if it was a teacher at school.
what if it was my brother.
what if it was my mom.
i dont fucking know.
what scares me about my moms denial is that when we came home from the dcotor that one day she kept saying that dr joni was gonna call CPS and she (mymom) was going to loose her teaching license.
why would she say that?
and i know not all dreams mean what they are, i had a dream about my mom hurting me. but i also had a dream about my dad hurting me along time ago,when i was like 12 or 13.
that was such a bad day, i woke up feeling like shit like, just ashamed and embarassed about thinkin about my dad like that and then i saw him downstairs and i was bitter to him, i was mad at him and i didnt want him to be around me.
does that mean anything?
i dont have a counlser to help me figure any of this stuff out.
i dont have the resorces to get a counsler.
i dont have enough courage to find the resorces to get a counsler.


does anyone know what i can do to try and figure out who did this to me?
//josh
 
Josh,

I'm very sorry to see you in so much pain. I will try to comment on your post here, as well as you PM to me on similar issues.

It's impossible to say if things would be better or worse if the information you had was different. That situation doesn't exist, and there are many possibilities of, say, alternative information. In a way it's similar to asking, "Would I be happier if I lived in another state?" Who knows? I think it's important to stay focused on the here and now - what you do know and feel and what you can realistically do on the basis of that.

One thing you need is local supportv- someone you can talk to about how you feel and what's going on. I suggested your mother but you make it clear that she doesn't support you and in fact doesn't believe you. I'm very sorry this has happened; you certainly deserve a lot better.

But there are other possibilities. Do you have a counselor at school? Perhaps this person could help. If you talk to your family doctor that would be another possibility. Or a spiritual advisor: a pastor or priest or rabbi. Is there a teacher or sports coach you especially trust? In Washington you could also contact your teen crisis helpline and ask them for ideas.

This will all be VERY frightening and it will take some courage Josh, no doubt about it. But you DO have this courage. We often underestimate the resources we have within us. When you first came here, for example, did you think you would have the courage to say the things you have posted here?

A few points to remember: You are 17, so in almost all states that means that someone like a doctor or school official has to respect your confidence and cannot tell anyone without your permission. Also, because you are not yet an adult there may well be arrangements that can be made to help you get a counselor at public expense.

If you can get a counselor, please don't be afraid to take that opportunity. We all feel afraid and embarrassed the first time we talk to a T, but remember that the T will know how you feel. He or she will spend a lot of time just talking to you in general and gaining your trust first. You won't go in and suddenly get asked a lot of terrible questions.

In the meantime, Josh, do keep posting here. You are a welcome and important part of our community and the guys here participate not only to find answers themselves, but also to help others.

Try to talk about things as much as you can. Talking about it is a way of rejecting blame and refusing to stay shut up any more. It helps us to understand how we feel, and it also makes us see that we aren't alone.

I think this last point may be especially important to you. In your situation you don't yet know who hurt you; the memories have not come back yet. That must make you feel very isolated. But you aren't alone, Josh. A lot of the guys here have similar problems and will be happy to help you face this one, as well as other things you may want to talk about.

Much love,
Larry
 
Josh
that's a lot of pain, possibly as much as you'll ever experience.

But you did the right thing, you came here and expressed that pain rather than bottle it up inside you.

That's why MS works, we share pain - or rather we RELEASE the causes of our pain.
Just like the guy who's post you read that upset you, he released something that was eating him up.
Of course it was never his intention to upset anyone, but that's a risk we take when we come here and read.

That risk is made worthwhile though because as we read we learn.
We learn that we are not alone, other people feel pain and hurt as well. It doesn't make it right, but it does share the load.

We also learn about the way other people get through their pain, and we can try the same methods.

Survivng our abuse is all about learning, and if you can't get therapy right now then MS is the next best thing. There's guys here who know all about the pain WE feel as survivors, and they're always sharing their knowledge.

Dave
 
Wow, josh, I know what you're saying. I remember when all this hit me several years ago, I sat with my wife saying over and over, "Nothing happened to me, nothing happened to me". Just sitting there on the couch crying, rocking back and forth. And it was like for just an instant I saw myself from outside--I saw what I was saying and what I was doing, and I thought, Anybody that upset over nothing happening must have had something happen. If abuse happens when we're really young, there isn't a Polaroid in our heads that snaps a picture of the event. All we get are emotions, destroyed trust, gut reactions, and maybe not much else. I do know some of what happened in my life. But occasionally, I think how could I be this messed up unless it happened more or worse or often--I don't know. And I probably will never know.

What I will say is that knowing who did it, even confronting the perp, does not change the feelings inside. As I've explored my life and gotten to see my family for who they really are, I've come to realize that the whole life I lived was messed up. There wasn't anything normal about it. So maybe it wasn't an event that got me here. Maybe it was an entire setup--a whole way of living as freaks--that got me here.

Hang in there, OK? The emotions are so hard. Not knowing is so hard. I still reach into my mind sometimes and try to grasp anything that might explain more. The mind is a protective place. When you're in a safe place in life and well protected, your mind will give you more information. If we're not safe enough to handle it, the mind keeps it locked up tight. Our brains are smarter than we are, if that makes any sense.

Take care.
 
Josh it is good that you are dealing with all this shit now. I took 40 years to start my healing. This is not a fun time put it is so important to deal with it as soon as possible.

Have you looked into getting help. I think that finding a T is the most important thing you can do. You should be able to get some free help and your parents don't need to be involved. Check with the county where you live.
Tom
 
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