Offenses from females harder to overlook. And not so easily moved by tears.


About three weeks ago, I was trying to cross at an intersection. I wanted to cross quickly because the walk sign signals at the same time the left hand turn light allows cars to turn into people in the crosswalk. (Believe it.) And I might add, that I live in New England where cars have the right of way. At the same time I was trying to cross, a young lady driver was trying to make an illegal right on red. I stepped into the street forcing her to yield. She rolled down her window and out of her mouth, a barrage of road rage. Her passenger also let loose his frustration.

She is not the women of the child porn ring. She did not sexually assault me, drip candle wax down my eyes or squat over my head in some filthy wiccan occult rebirthing ceremony. Nonetheless, my anger was very difficult to check. In my minds eye - violence. I made acts of forgiveness for her and her passenger, but man was it a massive workout. Every once in a while when I am in that intersection, I still have to make that act of forgiveness for her.

30 years ago, when I was dating, my girlfriend drove up to my place and sat in her car crying. I was unmoved by her tears. I had no idea what she was crying about. I'll be honest with you, I wanted to laugh. When females cry this anger emerges from my heart and says, "Now it's your turn to cry."

I am 60 years old now. I am at the top of the slide of being old! I hope I do not die with this conflict still in my heart. I would like to make peace with the feminine.
I understand @Piepel. It's so easy to hold hate for people who are similar to the ones who abused us. And in the absence of anything else, gender will do. But it sounds like you're doing everything you can right now. Go easy on yourself.
Sorry you experienced such trauma. That you long carried the residue of that experience is hardly surprising, nor is the fact your anger could be triggered. It is a mark of the healing work you've done that you understand indulging the rage doesn't serve you... in fact it perpetuates the trauma. Some people on MS refer to it as keeping the abuser in charge, which is surely the last thing any of us wants to do. And so you're working to find peace, to release the past... claim this moment for yourself. Respect for what you're doing. This really is what healing looks like. Thank you for sharing this.