Odd abuse-related dream

[melliferal]

Because my abuse was not violent in nature, I do not suffer from the horrible dreams I understand some of you have. Nevertheless, I have dreams about the abuse on occasion, and they aren't good dreams. Usually it's something like a flashback, or like watching a movie. I used to wake up from these dreams feeling furiously angry; now they just make me ill. I once heard someone talking about something called "lucid dreaming", a technique by which you can realize the fact that you are dreaming, and proceed to take control of the course of the dream. I'd like to be able to do that during one of these dreams - take control so I can stop what I'm doing, stop and grab my clothes and just run. Run out of that goddamned house and scream, and wake the whole effing world up to what's happening inside it. It wouldn't change history; it would still be a dream, but it would be a better dream.

Last night, I had a different sort of abuse-related dream; I was standing outside that house in the middle of the night, holding some kind of metal stick - I don't know, a golf club or something. A walked in the front door, but instead of being in the house, I was inside some kind of long room, full of rows and rows of shelves holding video cameras. Dozens of them, hundreds. I took my metal stick and just went to town, smashing them. I didn't get to smash them all before the dream ended, but I woke up feeling very content.

In real life, I'm not very violent or colorfully expressive. I don't do the explosive rant thing; I bottle stuff up. Have all my life. I think that dream was my mind taking the opportunity to vent safely. I'll tell you one thing - if that's how it vents, it is perfectly welcome to vent again anytime it wants.

 

[roadrunner]

Melliferal,

I'm glad your abuse wasn't violent, but of course a boy can still react with anger and shame at what is happening to him. It's still someone else using his body as their plaything.

I heard about that "lucid dreaming" idea as well, perhaps off the same thread. The idea is that the dream stops before it reaches any decisive conclusion, and the dreamer can supply a conclusion that helps him. This serves to rob the dream of its power to harm, and eventually it won't return.

I can't imagine what the dream of all the cameras would mean, except perhaps that you felt like anyone who cared to look at you could tell what was happening. I know I felt so obvious, especially in the changing rooms in gym class or at a pool or beach.

Yes, you're right, come to think of it. I have never seen you blow up here! Well, if you need to, go for it bro. Otherwise it's cool to see that dreaming serves you as a way to vent.

Much love,
Larry

 

[melliferal]

Well, I'm sure things in dreams have meaning. Not in the "seeing a girl in a red dress means you're going to win the lottery soon" kind of way; but there are definitely abstract references in dreams to things your brain tends to think about. Like looking through a window - when it's light outside, all you see is what's outside, but when it gets dark, instead of seeing outside you begin to see reflections of what's inside.

Cameras were definitely a major element in my abuse. However, the more I think about it, it occurs to me that the dream may not be about abuse at all. I think it could be that the house could rather simply represent my perception of my past. Whenever I think about the past of my life, the abuse is certainly one of the things that shows up most prominently. My walking "into" that house in my dream only to find myself not inside it is perhaps my mind's way of explaining that it believes I should define my past by more than simply the abuse. The smashing of all the video cameras perhaps could mean that this redefinition should be something I do for my own benefit, rather than for the benefit of people who may be watching and expecting something of me.

Of course, there's got to be thirty ways to interpret the dream; that's just one of them. As the days go on I remember less and less of it, which is the way with the dreams of course.