Obsessive compulsive behaviours due to abuse?

Obsessive compulsive behaviours due to abuse?
E

EGL

Registrant
I'm curious as to whether others here can identify with obsessive compulsive behaviours and whether you see a link between that and the abuse. I have several "quirky" things I do which I feel pretty sure are a result of the abusive (physical, emotional, sexual) childhood.

Examples:

1. During times of anxiety or stress, I do math. A prime example is being in a doctor's exam room, waiting for the doctor to come in. I will count the floor tiles (which I estimate to be 12" square) across the length and breadth of the room, and arrive at the square footage. Then I estimate the height of the room and arrive at the volume of cubic feet in the room. Then I take that a step further to inches to arrive at the cubic inches the room can hold. Then I estimate the counter size, arrive at it volume and subtract that. On and on. I do it all the time. I count highway markings on the roadways. I count packages of meat in the grocery store.

2. I listen to music to death. I will play the same song over and over and over and over. A hundred times. Then I'll play a few others, and come back to the same one I played a hundred times.

3. Sometimes I get on a security paranioa. I'll be in bed and wondering if I set the alarm system on. I'll get up and see that I did. A few minutes later I'll get up and double check to make sure I really, really did.

4. When grocery shopping, I place items neatly and square in my shopping cart, almost like fitting together a jigsaw puzzle. I don't like disorder in my shopping cart.

There are other examples, but this gives you an idea. Does any of these kind of things ring true for others?
 
Eddie, you aren't the only one.

I recognise those things in your list, and had a bad time coping with it in my twenties but I do it much less now.

I would count and calculate in a repetative environment, I got to hating tiled walls etc because it was so nice to count I couldn't resist.
With the music I did what you said, listening to one tune over and over.

I certainly recognise the shopping trolley neatness obsession. I hated going shopping with someone else, because they would not appreciate that I was packing the trolley to suit internal urges, and casually just drop a pizza on top of the milk or whatever. I couldn't think of what I wanted to buy, if the trolley was a mess.

I'd make up rules about where I could walk, like never on the cracks in the pavement. The bears get you if you step on the cracks! Plus other things like never stepping on the raised wooden threshold at the doorways inside my appartment. I was Ritualistic about they way some things should be done and Repetative to a silly (ie not crazy) degree.

I do think these activities had some link with the way my abused childhood had left me. I think they are symptoms. I'm happy to say I'm not so much bothered about these things since I found a voice and could speak about my unspeakable family and how I really felt.

I think the rituals/repetitions gave me loads of space to live a LIE. It kept my mind overloaded. I could follow the urges and the concentration on the irrelevant outside stuff would block me from my scary important Inner stuff so i wouldn't need to acknowledge it existed. That worked - but only for a couple of decades!
Counting in a waiting room sent me to sleep quite often. Especially dentists!
 
Floor or ceiling tiles. Sometimes I drive myself crazy trying to make complete geometric shapes using the squares available. I see patterns in everything.

Walking on a sidewalk drives me nuts because of the ants. I can't step on an ant. And in my head and having these ridiculous conversations about, What size of an insect is it OK to step on, because no doubt there are insects smaller than I can easily see while walking down the street, and how do I KNOW that I'm not squashing one? Same with germs, imagining what's on my hand until I just can't stand it anymore and I have to go wash.

I agree with Delta. I think we just had so little control over things when we were kids that we developed these internal ways to feel some sort of control over our surroundings. They're distractions from the really important things. the stronger the feelings we're trying to suppress, the stronger and more consuming the distractions have to be. So I try to tell myself it's OK to feel what I feel. Let the floodgates of emotions out so the distractions become less important, maybe.
 
I just have to say that I find so all the obessive things we do to zone out so hillarious.
I was just trying to think of an example of cumpulsive things i do, oh and it just came because I was just doing it! I get lost in a song, humming, singing, tapping out a drum beat all the time, which would drive the other cumpulsive people nuts, especially out in a car group.

He who learns to laugh at himself, will never cease to be in a state of constant amuzement!--Anonymous
 
I have some, but think more they are from the physical abuse then the sexual abuse.

I am obsessive cleaner, my house, my car. But my father forced that into me from childhood, so I think it is more from him then anything else. Also it is for me a sense of order and 'proper' where sometime there are none. It is like control thing.

I used to be much more obsessed of my weight, of eating, I would write down every bite of food, I would get on the scale seven, eight times a day. I had a time when I felt I was fat, and maybe was a little, like puppy fat, and lost a lot of weight in just a few months. I started realizing how crazy I was being to myself and got away from that a bit. Now I have less concern of it, and know that if I am feeling good, then I am obviously ok.

Leosha
 
I think it has to be from our sense of no control during the times we were being abused.

My compulsions?

I. Everything has to be done in the same seqence each morning. Shower, put in my contacts, gargle w/Listerine, shave, put on deodorant, brush my teeth, then fold the towel 'properly', wipe down the shower with a cloth, then dress.

II. My family makes fun of me, because I am a clean freak! IT is not rare for me to be vacuuming the house at 11-12:00 at night. My lawn must also be impeccable.

III. I absolutley cannot leave a bed without making it up before I leave in the morning. This included hotel beds, too, until I had to travel on the job and share a room at times.

IV. I laughed at the grocery cart rituals. Mine has to be placed notr so much neatly, but in catagories: Frozen foods, produce, meat, dairy, etc.

V. I must always sleep on the left side of the bed (looking at it.) This comes about because when I was kid, the left side of my bed was against the wall. I had to sleep with my back against the wall so I could see anyone that may be coming.

VI. I cannot leave my office without the desk being cleaned off.

VII. No one is allowed to leave paper, wrappers, or cans in my car! Ever.

VIII. All list MUST be numbered, using Roman numerals. This includes lists to the various stores.

Control, guys. It's all about control, and me having the control over my life and environment. I'm also dyslexic, so I have to have organization or I get lost!

I think we are all creatures of habit, though. My habits just happen to be the right habits!
 
Eddie,

number two on your list is one of mine. I find a song with a good musical hook for me and I play it to death, forgetting all other music I have. Then I look for a new song to plow into the mud when that one is worn out.

Here is a strange one I can't figure out: I find the center point in the design of a business car, or CD case, cardboard ad, a bottle, a pen, whatever and I oscillate it back and forth on the center axis of that design.

My house can have clutter, the bathroom may need cleaning, but my washcloth and towel HAVE TO BE centered up after use. Same with dishtowels, regardless of there being a pile of dishes to do. Any hanging towel or cloth has to be even on both sides and centered.

All I can say is :confused:

FT
 
Originally posted by delta.tetra:

I think the rituals/repetitions gave me loads of space to live a LIE. It kept my mind overloaded. I could follow the urges and the concentration on the irrelevant outside stuff would block me from my scary important Inner stuff so i wouldn't need to acknowledge it existed. That worked - but only for a couple of decades!
Click to expand...
Interesting theory. I see alot of truth in that statement!
 
Originally posted by TheHermit:
Originally posted by EGL:
I'm curious as to whether others here can identify with obsessive compulsive behaviours and whether you see a link between that and the abuse. I have several "quirky" things I do which I feel pretty sure are a result of the abusive (physical, emotional, sexual) childhood.

Examples:

1. During times of anxiety or stress, I do math. A prime example is being in a doctor's exam room, waiting for the doctor to come in. I will count the floor tiles (which I estimate to be 12" square) across the length and breadth of the room, and arrive at the square footage. Then I estimate the height of the room and arrive at the volume of cubic feet in the room. Then I take that a step further to inches to arrive at the cubic inches the room can hold. Then I estimate the counter size, arrive at it volume and subtract that. On and on. I do it all the time. I count highway markings on the roadways. I count packages of meat in the grocery store.

Click to expand...
Wow you're creepy. lol, only kidding. :) No, I guess i've recognized OCD in myself (and, as mentioned, probably moreso in my past)

You count tiles...., i've always had a problem with reading things obssesively (signs, posters, etc...) sometimes over and over and over again. I'm even thinking of removing the books here at my computer desk, cause I find myself reading the titles of them to myself over and over again. Must have read the titles thousands of times by now. Man am I tired of doing that.

I used to be guilty of playing the same song over and over again, but not so much anymore.

And I was once made fun of by an ex-girlfriend, because I would clean up the table at a restaurant after eating, saying that's what waitresses are for.

Another ex pointed out how I had to have my socks level and even (would put my legs together to see that they were at the same height lol)

I smoke cigarettes (marlboro lights) and used to find myself always laying the lighter on top of the box right between the Ma, and ro. So only Ma...ro shows. lol

Once I was riding in a car and had a stack of music CDs laying next to me by the console. My girlfriend had pointed out that I kept picking them up, making sure that they were all even and perfectly flush, only to set them back down and have them slide apart, and pick them back up to do the same thing again.

I also used to put things (anything that is square or rectangular, like cigarette packs boxes of anything, CD cases etc.) on a table all nice and neat and flush together (as you said, like a puzzle).

So yes definitely some OC going on, not sure if it's a result of CSA, genetics, or what. I do remember the reading signs obssession before my CSA though, when I was very young. I'd read all the signs of stores (of say... KFC, McDonalds etc..) while riding in a car.

And I always remember my aunt, having alot of jewelry (like 2 or 3 rings for each finger, 3 watches, 8 bracelets, 10 necklaces, she was a walking jewelry store. :) ) would take them off at night then would count them all like 10 or 20 times, before bed. I've often wondered if she had OCD.
Click to expand...
Enough with my quirks! :)
 
This is an interesting post because before I started to come to terms with my csa...I thought all my "quirks" were just that...silly quirks to be laughed at. Now, I realize there is a reason for them and they're not as funny any more.

Here are a couple for me:

1. I am an ALL or nothing kind of guy. I want things compulsively organized...towels, medicine cabinets, drawers, closets. BUT, if it can't be maintained PERFECTLY...then, I'd rather it be chaos until I can't take it any more and spend countless hours making perfect again. Best example is folding laundry...it would drive me CRAZY because my wife just folded things hurly-burly...t-shirts were different widths, towels didn't were folded in equal proportions! SO, I told her to just not TOUCH the laundry I'd do it. So, for weeks it would pile up on our bed until I had the hours to sit and fold things neatly and proportionally.

2. I have to be the first person to sit in a restaurant. I must be able to select my seat and my back must be to a wall so and I must be able to see the ENTIRE restaurant. I've had to leave in the middle of meals with acquaintances who don't know my obsession...and have forced me to sit with my back to the aisle and facing a wall. I am too embarrassed to tell them that I need to sit first.

3. Gifts must be wrapped perfectly! No tape can show. Edges must not be visible. Corners and edges must be crisply creased. Only real ribbon can be used for bows...none of those stick on kinds. At Christmas, every gift must be wrapped in the same paper...although in recent years, I've relaxed enough to allow it be with coordinating paper.

4. I also have the music compulsion. I have thousands of CDs where I've only listened to one song! I buy the CD because I've heard the song on the radio...and ONLY listen to that one...again and again and again. It drives my kids NUTS! So, I've worked really hard to overcome that one.

5. Tents. I can't be inside a tent. I am always asked to go camping with friends and I used to use the excuse that, "Millions of years of evolution...I'm not ruining by spending the night on the ground inside a covering of fabric. God created hotels and beds...that's where I'll sleep." But, honestly, it's because I have a fear of tents. When I was younger and would go camping with family...I would have panic attacks every single night. I'd then spend the next day, sleeping in my parents car. I understand the basis of this fear/compulsion...one of my abusers did it to me in a tent on a back-yard campout.

Okay...I'll stop now. But, it's nice to "air" some of these things...it helps take the sting out of them.

TX
 
I've just been jumping around the messages and happened on this one. I am a list maker/alphabetizer/counter. When I used to wait for the bus, I would count cars going by backwards from 20, over and over. I am also fanatical about alphabetizing possessions and also putting things in chronological order.
This really made sense:
I think the rituals/repetitions gave me loads of space to live a LIE. It kept my mind overloaded. I could follow the urges and the concentration on the irrelevant outside stuff would block me from my scary important Inner stuff so i wouldn't need to acknowledge it existed. That worked - but only for a couple of decades! (Thanks Delta. Tetra)
 
As long as these things don't take away from the importent things in life, they are actually pretty funny...sort of. I just told my wife about this thread, she nodded in recogniti0n of all the things I share in common with you guys, but rolled her eyes at the same time, saying she wished she could talk with your partners about how annoying I can be.

I do the laundry thing, re-folding what she's done already (she's pretty sloppy about it), the towels in the bathroom need to be properly folded and hung so that the front and back are at an even level. I tend not to count things, but to take multiple numbers and/or large numbers and add them together until they come down to a single digit. For instance, my house number 1226...1+2=3+2=5+6=11, then 1+1=2. I do it with phone numbers, license plates, marked prices on store items, you name it. I also like, but not need, to sit facing the rest of the people and the doorways in restaraunts, can't sleep in tents (I too had abuse take place in a tent). It's funny, I like to think of myself as a laid-back, relaxed kind of guy, but I am nowhere near my impression of myself.

Thanks for the chuckle, hopefully at no one else's expense. I hope you all have a good day and that tomorrow is better than today. Peace - John
 
I was laughing yesterday about this too. I can't ever change jobs. The men's bathroom here is a perfect 11 x 11 tile grid which makes for an endless number of possible intersecting diamonds and other geometric shapes. Where else could I find such ideal working conditions? :D
Code:
*   *   *   *   *   *
  *   *   *   *   *
*   *   *   *   *   *
  *   *   *   *   *
*   *   *   *   *   *
  *   *   *   *   *
*   *   *   *   *   *
  *   *   *   *   *
*   *   *   *   *   *
  *   *   *   *   *
*   *   *   *   *   *
Have a great day, guys. There are loads of groceries to be organized and ceiling tiles that haven't yet been counted. I'll be there in a minute. I have to go wash my bathroom sink.
 
Hmmm... anyone ever develope an issue with foods? IE, what you will and won't eat? I'm still having issues with that one... My current menu is pretty much limited to pop-tarts, pizza(preferably papa-johns, LOL), sushi, most other breakfast foods, fastfood in general(no chicken, I can't stand it), and well, yeah, that's about it. Though, I'm not sure how much of that is due to my experience as a child, or if it's due to me also being someone with asperger's syndrome. *shrugs*
 
I can certainly state that I have developed the compulsion of counting all things around me in the room, and even the pictures and graphic objects on the walls since I had began to spent a lot of time alone in my childhood. It was after the abuse, and I unconsciously started to get my mind busy.

Also I count the people in the swimming pool, and I like to stare at trees, especially when they are trembling in the wind.
 
Nobody shared my passion about the trees! I can dream away while watching they are trembling. Sometimes I cry after having had a good look at them.
 
Can OCB also include laziness? I'm unbelieveably lazy at home (never at work or I'd get fired). I always put off something until tomorrow, and when tomorrow comes, I put it off till tomorrow, and when that tomorrow comes, ...well you get the idea. (Hmmm maybe THAT is the OCB... interesting!) I've had dishes and laundry metaphorically beg me to get done, but I put it off for tomorrow. (If they did it literally, THEN I'd claim I'm crazy lol.) My Playstation2 always gets the attention, and my computer games are always second in line if I got bored with my PS2 games. Watching TV is a very close third. Anything to occupy my mind so I don't have to think. But then comes time for bed eventually and my brain incessantly repeats parts of a song over and over and over and over and simply drives me so insane that my brain collapses and I fall asleep, ...well sometimes. Other times I stay up all night. But with the vast repertoire of awesome tunes out there, my brain has a sick and twisted way of incessantly repeating LAME songs. The worse song was some french (France) song about birds and rainbows that must have been composed on some seriously wicked high. It took me 2 months to get rid of it.

My 2 dollars worth (inflation). :)
MR
 
Thought of a few more OCBs...

I cough constantly. Don't have a cold or allergies, just a dry cough meant to clear my lungs or something, I dunno... I just cough all the time. Always wondered if it might be psychological...

My sinuses are the same... always run 365 days a year. Very brutal during pollen and hayfever season.

Always take a shower the exact same way, same routine, everything. Even hum the same song every time... weird now that I think about it.

Man this post sure makes one think of the things one does without realizing it...

MR
 
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