Numbing out

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Numbing out

I don't understand (again) what is happening. I numb out a lot when I face what happened to me as a kid.

This one though, I don't understand.

I have friends on this site that know what is going on with me right now. And all I get is unconditional support and love.

Why do I feel numb about that? I need this and I feel like I am shutting down when I get what I need. Why can't I feel anything about thier caring? Why can I read the words they say and feel for a moment and then just shut down?

Anybody else know about this?
 
Marc, I can definately empathize with that.. Seems to be my defense against any emotional response.. Good or bad.. if it is intense, or for some reason my self worth won't let me believe I deserve it.. I shut down, go numb.. Only reason I can see why is I shut down in defense against getting hurt, letting someone in can open you up to being hurt, even if that is what you truly want. And when you get that love and support that you need, at least from my experience, it leaves you open and vunerable.. So I shut down.. Does this make sense to you? Just sharing my perspective on this one.. Seems I shut down every day for a least a little while, sometimes for days.. When my wife tries to draw me out, I shut down.. When I go to the Marriage counsler with her and try to talk about good or bad I eventually shut down, like a fuse box.. hit a certain point and it switches off, so even if I want to feel it, something inside me seems to think I shouldn't and turns it all off until it is more moderate and easier to handle.. Hope this gives you a little insight or an idea.. And I will give you the same encouragement I have seen you give and have recieved from everyone on here.. You are among brothers and we are all here for you. PM me if you want to talk or anything. Because I can relate to what you are talking about, and maybe we can sort it out together.
 
Hi marc

you get unconditional support because we know what you've been thru, the kid goes thru a lot at a time in his life that should be full of love, discovery, a life that should have been magic and adventure, but for you and many of us it wasn't to be.

A lot of shit happened all them years ago, and your inner child was hurt so much, I can't even know how you survived, but you did.

Your inner child was hurt, but all you want is to tell him that you will protect him, let him know how much you love him, he is not lost, the numbness is what we all feel at some time, we read other peoples' problems and think, wow, I had it so good.

You may read my posts and think, hey other people can get over it so much more than I can, believe me Marc CSA is CSA, no kid should ever have to endure the pain, Iv'e been there and suffered so much shit, it's not just the ab*se it's all the other shit left in the wake of it.

Hey you survived!
Isn't that why we like you!

We've been down that road of total darkness, the fears, the dread, the nightmares, nobody there to explain the fears, nobody there you can call a friend, I can never go thru what you went thru, but I can but try.

Numbness is a very negative thought, but true, it surfaces so many times, listen to what your "brothers" have to say, because we are all with you every step of the way, trust us, as we are all here for you and for every broken kid, just as our childhoods were broken

The Boy in "you" loves you, and you love the "boy, tell him you love him and will always protect him, tell him you are there for him, always

Don't forget you survived

Try and heal the wounds by telling him, you will protect him thru anything, he will never be hurt again

Don't know whether that made any sense

You're always in my thoughts

ste
 
Marc - I numbed out for 34 years. In that time I had additional experiences that made me distrust people because they were the opposite sex, the same sex, in positions of power, people with no power, people with lots of money, people who were practically destitute.

When I finally stopped & thought about it, I also knew people that fitted into all of these categories, but there was no reason to distrust them at all!

In my mind I had never seen the people that I could trust; simply as that! Why - my experiences gave me a distorted view of so many things.

It takes a lot for me to trust anyone - the friends that I first disclosed to, I met in May 1991, I told them in Late Autumn of 2001 (my first step). Dec 18th 2003 was my biggest step ever - when Christopher Reeve walks again, I believe he will experience a similar feeling!

Marc - initially when I did start dealing with this, the most frightening thing was discovering that I had emotions again. I remember years ago when I was in my early teens (post abuse) and feeling pretty lousy - I turned to my Mother and said 'nobody loves me - everybody hates me'. She was horrified (I don't even know what set me off at the time - I have a better understanding now). I know that everyone around me really cared at that time - I was just in another place & needed some magic lenses to see it.

Shutting down - it's self protection - if you don't allow yourself to feel, you can't hurt (that's the theory, but we still do, don't we).

I allowed myself to feel again Marc & it bloody hurt and still does sometimes. When we have dealt with this stuff for so long & closed ourselves off, it's very difficult to let it go; it's frightening to let ourselves feel good, because sometimes we are just waiting for the next kick in the bollocks. People here understand & that was a wake up call to me when I found this place - I never thought anyone would. I've since been proved wrong in the terrestial world - I've now got excellent support there....only because I sought it & then accepted it. I may be very lucky, I just don't know on that score!!!??

Dec 18th 2003 I sought professional help - Dec 31st (I think) I found this site. I had zero feelings. Please accept what you find here Marc - it will help you to loose the fear
 
Sometimes the load gets to be too much (or it seems).

If it isn't enough that you have had a big enough load already, more gets dumped on us at times. It's just too much to carry by ourselves on some days. We don't have to.

The load can be spread around. There are a lot of people to help carry what needs to be carried. We have our support structure to help us. The guys here at MaleSurvivor, our family and friends, our therapists, our doctors, our psychiatrists, our pets, and whatever else is part of our support structure.

Take care,
Bill
 
Numbing out is just your brain trying to protect you when things get too heavy to handle. You are going through some things, and maybe your brain has just gone into overload and is overwhelmed, so now it is trying to protect you from the fear and pain that is involved with your healing.

Not too long ago I was totally numbed out too, I still do numb out at times, and sadly I haven't really found anything to help get through it, just the time for it to pass.

Knowing that people care and support us not only feels good, but it also leaves us open and vulnrable (spell check). And maybe that is why you are numbing out the feelings associated with that, maybe your brain is just protecting you from the fear of rejection, maybe sheltering you in case a storm were to blow its way in.

I'm sorry if I didn't make much sense here, my mind jis just kinda jumbled. But I hope that you can feel better about it and that soon you can feel the good feelings associated with being cared about. Keep going, you are strong enough to make it. Good luck, and may you be at peace with it.

scott
 
Marc,

I think often time it is harder for us to accept the good words then the bad. It is harder to believe them, so I think we rather filter them out, like 'oh sure, ok, yes, that's nice', and not let them 'sink in'. Maybe that is why you feel numb to them.

Something you may wish to consider. Nice words someone shares with you via PM or email, maybe you can keep them in a folder or something. Reread them when you are needing more support of yourself. Maybe it will help you to feel better of yourself, and the more you hear them, the more you will believe them true.

leosha
 
Marc,

I know what goes on with me in this regard:

The little kid knows that any feeling is dangerous. Professions of love and support were so often empty and contradicted that it is nearly impossible to trust them now. Better to be numb than hurt again.

B.
 
Sometimes I just don't give a shit. Sometimes that lasts for months. Empty, uncaring, used up.

If I could have back all of the good things from life that I have lost just because I lost interest, maybe I wouldn't be depressed anymore.

Aden
 
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