*Triggers Possible* Numb

[raffa_will_fight]

Nothing else. I slept 10 hours this week. I get the mental state. Sensible moment of the year for my family.

I got what I wanted. To remember. To understand what made me different. Confirm what I always believed: something made him the way he is.
Caring. Feeling for others. Do everything to bring back a smile. For others.

With dedication to help that little boy I stranded here. So many steps I was trying to take for years. Since that first glitch turned off Mr. brain for a view seconds.
Something happened.

What is it? A month and a half? I am finally sad for what I start to remember. Being sad, feeling that emotion, that is big for me. Before it was an image. Great to analyse without getting into the circle of a WHAT IFs.

I’m sad. I see that little boy’s face while his body screams at him.
This realisation is making me ill. The thought of trying “NO” or “STOP” did not ever cross my mind. One didn’t need to speak and I got instinctively what his hand wanted. What position they expected me to keep, no matter how much the sensation makes my body want to run.
I could understand crying, screaming. Fighting back.
I understand that boy. All these “suspects” mixed with clear memories… something before the first abuse formed a theory. A kid that already had some unknown knowledge when it comes to sex stuff is easy target. Not for the predators. For myself.

I have been pulled since always towards unclear and risky situations. I can’t explain it. It got better with aging. But it’s like my whole body would choose the dark alley a thousand times over the beautiful peaceful path surrounded by wonderful trees and singing birds and bla bla. Maybe this singularity of the moment a victim and prep meet and everything around is just unfair causality. They knew how to use my “I’m wrong” doubt.
They needed an outlet for their repressed sexuality, and the other two wanted to be as gross as possible to tear down a human mind. Experiment and test what, besides physical pain, could give multiple traumas in one setting?

For 35 year therapists had a hard time to get me to many emotions. I would never undermine or doubt their knowledge.
But without having permission from my brain, they can only do so much. And when my brain started to try and see how much I can handle, I got him to shut up.

I am grateful to be here. These one and a half months (?) had me make so many steps in at least one direction. And give some of the answers was looking for.
Didn’t expect this though.
I can handle images. Head/Movies. But these f-ing emotions were not something I was preparing to experience.
The one emotion that broke my heart for myself is accepting. There are two precise moments (I now have an emotional memory to put with) I realised and felt.
During the first abuse it’s this sense of giving up I just remembered. My eyes tear up, automatically. Accepting what is happening. I see that dead face, absence of any kind of micro expression. While my body was definitely screaming to me.
And that sense of humiliation I felt the moment when I realized my hand was wet after the orgasm and he witnessed it, and used my first ejaculation to play is milking game.

I have this absurd theory that both were aware of what they did and what that caused. Physically. Also because they were adult males, having perfect knowledge about the delicate parts of the body. Every male knows what happens if you squeeze your nuts. And a fingernail of the glans a urethra is obviously painful.
“Then let’s to that”
And I think the same goes for their hygiene. It was too much of a “thing” in their abuse for them not to have prepared for this. I can’t get that feeling to leave. The possibility my head starting to gaslight me and change the narrative is making me feel as if I just overthink. It in my guts.

I am overwhelmed.
I promised my self, my family and a friend I made here, to immediately contact my T when thoughts are starting to get too dark and risky. We talked for an an hour and a half. This at least is a mood I feel coming up.
I didn’t say. But I have some clear signs what it is about, and telling him about MS as well.
I want to do this on my own this time. With the support I choose. And without changing too much who I am.

Details and flash are challenging. At least some explanations will make up for this energy consuming journey.

Medication was prescribed again.

 

[GaD3!]

It is common for one to dissociate when they were enduring the abuse. Your body is there and mentally you go somewhere else, it is a survival mechanism, that the brain does to protect us. You could not fight back or stop what was happening. You were a young boy against grown men, you did not stand a chance. (It was the same for me).

. One didn’t need to speak and I got instinctively what his hand wanted. What position they expected me to keep, no matter how much the sensation makes my body want to run.

I suspect that you previously been instructed on what to do etc. (just speculation on my part- in my case I was trained or taught on how and what to do)

Yes those who abused you knew exactly what they were doing.

I have been pulled since always towards unclear and risky situations.

Survivors at times act out in response to the earlier abuse.

Dealing with the abuse can feel overwhelming at times, but it is often part of the healing process and healing IS a process. The wounds are deep and severe and they have been festering for a long time. It is a similar situation to deep and severe physical wounds that are undergoing medical treatment, it is a process and it can be painful at times. There is hope in all of this, even though at times it may not seem that way. Cling to the hope! Take care.

 

[raffa_will_fight]

It say it’s even more than hope. I don’t even hope to have the present persons undergo radical changes. And I probably overthink that.

Some explanations of behaviours I considered not right for what I think is expected from me already appear as natural consequences of what my experience as a child was.
It seems every times like that little price for the very unpleasant combination of reactions and different kinds of memories that are creating havoc.
I guess it is reasonable to be hyped up for the decision to break the silence, overdo it, and now facing a part of healing that I avoided consciously.

I am strong. And this community gives me that additional strength of knowing and understanding the mess I am in right now.

I suspect that you previously been instructed on what to do etc. (just speculation on my part- in my case I was trained or taught on how and what to do)

I was deciding to address this or ignore it…
Being honest and vulnerable.
But what you wrote can be interpreted in different ways.
If I take out anything related to sexual behaviour, you answered my question.
Could be a generational thing how education looked like. Not that strict my parents lived through, not that anti authoritarian generations after me considered correct.
Yes. The respect of anyone older than me, not talk back, nor act out.
The sexual abuse was just going as he wanted to because of how I was educated. Plus being the unheard middle child. (How I perceived it at that age)

Thank you for your very appreciated input

 

[GaD3!]

It say it’s even more than hope. I don’t even hope to have the present persons undergo radical changes. And I probably overthink that.

I was talking about you having hope in your quest for healing, not those who abused you changing.

I suspect that you previously been instructed on what to do etc. (just speculation on my part- in my case I was trained or taught on how and what to do)

My thought when I stated this was in reference to your statement-

One didn’t need to speak and I got instinctively what his hand wanted. What position they expected me to keep, no matter how much the sensation makes my body want to run.

I assumed you had been previously instructed and do not have memories of that taking place.

 

[raffa_will_fight]

I assumed you had been previously instructed and do not have memories of that taking place.

Oh, sorry, my bad.
What makes my role in the first abuse so interesting and tricky for me. For now I don’t recall that kind of training. More an educational effects like “adults know it best.”
Plus I was shy. And I guess, through the eyes of a 6 year old, already scanning through any unfamiliar situation as a consequence of complex emotional instability in my house when I was a toddler.
Probably it was all that and the creepy behaviour of my uncle.
Mom just needed to look at at you. Words were not needed.
A stern look could haven been something I learned to obey too, and for him the result of his first stern look was more than he could hope for.

 

[GaD3!]

Oh, sorry, my bad.
What makes my role in the first abuse so interesting and tricky for me. For now I don’t recall that kind of training. More an educational effects like “adults know it best.”
Plus I was shy. And I guess, through the eyes of a 6 year old, already scanning through any unfamiliar situation as a consequence of complex emotional instability in my house when I was a toddler.
Probably it was all that and the creepy behaviour of my uncle.
Mom just needed to look at at you. Words were not needed.
A stern look could haven been something I learned to obey too, and for him the result of his first stern look was more than he could hope for.

I understand, thank you for your further clarification.