nothing is the same

[markw]

I got my appt set. It is in two weeks. Still unsure if I will really go. Very scared. I hate that feeling. My wife is urging me to go. When I told her, in a letter, I could not do it face to face, and it was the first time I have ever written it down, she said a lot things make sense to her now. I wish they made sense to me. The week after that I go back to the Doctor. Going to the Dr ruins my whole day, I hate it. I hate the exams. I hate the fact that I have to go. Replacing testosterone is a real pain in the ass. You are never right, either to much or not enough. Now that all my surgerise are done, and I got off the pain drugs, I hate that pervert more than ever. This whole thing has really messed my life up. Everything has been affected or changed because of it. It just not all the surgeries, it is all the crap the led to them. Surgery was always the last resort. To bad they could not surgically remove memories. I miss the drugs, I did not have to think about any of it or deal with it. I hate that this has happened. The weird thing is I cannot remember what he looked liked, just his smell and his black shoes. If I could find him, I would cut his balls off. I have all this anger and it is just seathing, and there is nothing I can do with it. I wished that I would have told my mom that day, instead of hiding. The what if game can make you nuts. I have only been back to the office for a month now, and it will be year this feb 10th since my last surgery. They had to put me on methadone to get me off the duragesic patch. I was on methadone for a year, and just detoxed from that 82 days ago. It was pure hell, but not as hard as dealing with this and these feelings and the nightmares everynight. All because of what he did. Nothing has been the same since.

Mark

 

[RICK57]

Mark - if you are worried about putting everything into words when you go for your appointment, why not tackle it the same way that you did with your wife. Write it down first - if that's the best way you can put it across, then it would help you to kick start the therapy process.

It's not really that long since I told anyone, but I did find that therapy helped - I had a good T that let me decide where each session was going, but she helped me to cover a lot of ground.

I wish you the strength to do this & hope that you get the same value from the process that I did. It's not easy & I was nervous every step of the way - it's around 10 months now since I last had therapy & I'm a hell of a lot stronger now.

Best wishes...RIk

 

[Rustam]

Mark,

You are dealing with so much, well done on making the appointment as Rik said you could write down whatever you felt comfortable with and give it to the therapist a brief outline of what brings you to therapy would be enough. The first appointment is also for you to find out if you would feel that you could work with the t. You dont have to talk about anything until you are ready.

No wonder you are angry with what you have been through and are going through. Being off all the drugs is sure to have you reeling. Methadone is a hard drug to come off, I am pretty sure that it can take up to a year until the feel good endorphins get back to normal levels, so that may well be a(temporary) factor in how you are feeling.

Good luck with the appointment and the doctors,

Rustam.